Alone
by CodyRhodesFan
Summary: After Ted's developed anorexia, his world falls apart. He's become so weak he can't play in the ring, his wife leaves him—Ted runs to a psychologist. Ted plays part in a deadly experiment, thinking it'll treat him. Can Randy save him? Randiasi, COMPLETE!
1. BOOK ONE: Preface: Lost

**That DiBiase/Orton that was bugging me for what seems like ever so yeah, it's slowly being completed by these hands—slow hands—and I'm excited. This may be the first DiBiase/Orton story I've seen in this fandom…why? What's wrong with DiBiase/Orton? I think it's hot.**

**Oh, first time I write a scene. So don't blame me if you don't think it's good. I'm trying.**

Alone

Rated: +18 – themes; language; characters with crushed hope

Summary: After Ted DiBiase's developed anorexia nervosa, his whole world falls apart. He's become so weak he can't play in the ring anymore, his wife leaves him—Ted runs to a psychologist who says that he can treat him. But he puts Ted's life in danger with abnormal treatments…can Randy put all the pieces of the puzzle long enough? SLASH Randy/Ted!

Genre: Tragedy/General

* * *

_I don't know where I am anymore._

December, 24, 2009

This place's so black.

I'm lost, eternally lost, in this forever blackness that I've fallen into. My thoughts are made up of two things, of Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes, my best friends, what are thinking now?

They probably think I'm dead.

Why'd I let this happen to me?

Why'd he let this happen to me?

I stand up, my eyes feel like they're going to roll back in their heads and I can't do anything about it. _"Ted, this guy can kill you."_ Randy's voice's been cut off, blurred, disconnected and I've lost connection with reality, still trying to remember his vague, blurry, unclear voice but it's so far away.

He's so far away from me.

I've got nothing but this pencil and notebook in my hands and with every word I write, my heart cuts open and bleeds even more. I'm lost in myself. I don't know how to get out of here.

I keep holding onto the last images that my brain has—_Randy as he holds onto my hands and looks at me, with concerned blue eyes and a slightly parted mouth and Cody's behind me, holding onto me so I won't slip away…I'm so very sorry, Randy…I've slipped into this blackness at the core of my brain._

I don't know where I am.

I think I'm in my mind. There's nothing here but stretched blackness and it's all I engulf in.

Why am I here?

Do I deserve this?

Please, Randy, Cody, please, get me out of here. I'm scared. I haven't been this scared before. It's all I can see. The blackness. All I feel is guilt stabbing in my shallow heart. All I hear is Randy's final words as I slipped into unconsciousness. _"Teddy…Teddy…hold on, Ted…"_ I can't hold on.

I'm so hollow inside that I can't hold on.

I'm Ted DiBiase Jr. And this is my story.

_I'm lost._

* * *

**I suck at introductions.**

**I'm going to explain this all as I explain Teddy's story. My Ted's muse has been bothering me like hell…I had a few ideas up my sleeve—I'll post another one later on.**

**;) Sam**


	2. Color Class

**An update! :)**

**Chapter 1**

**Color Class**

_They never told me that when you read a letter…_

October, 23, 2009

I'm really messed up right now.

A week ago, I had visited my sweet lovely little Kristen my perfect little wife only to be met up with a messy tornado of hurt and lies and pain and persistence and now, I'm standing here and nothing's on my mind and there's only this crumpled piece of imperfection in my hands that make me feel all so shattered and so broken and so unfixed that I think I feel the pain condensing in my eyes as I read those words, over and over, over and over.

Each one can't be processed into my brain.

Each one hurts me on the inside.

Each one is forever marked and imprinted and striking and so very stamped into my brain forever, in gruesome blood and horror and agony and confusion runs through my blood and veins and through the core of my head and I find myself, wanting to rip it to pieces, wanting to rip my heart into pieces to stop the throbbing that's always been within.

_Ted…_

_I hate you._

The thoughts are bubbling through my head again as I slouch down and throw the letter down the table and I try not to remember anything but everything surges through me—_the last time I've seen her, it was today, and she had her brown hair wrapped in a messy bun and her eyes didn't show any hate or any love or anything at all and she had the same lipstick she had on the day that I married her_—and now, she's leaving me.

_You always spend so much time in that wrestling business. Aren't I important, Ted?_

It's all my fault. Teddy makes a big mistake. Go ahead, laugh. I'm sitting here, pain in shoulder, thinking and thinking, with thoughts of only why she'd do this to me, instead of why she wouldn't and I think that the color pink's haunting and it drains me out of my mind because it's her pink lipstick and she used to be my pink little rose with such tranquility and softness and such care…

_I'm leaving you._

_I think that's the best decision I've made in my life. Ted, look at you, you barely eat. You look like Hell and this past week was a disaster. And you have the nerve to tell me that you're staying for two weeks only?! What about our marriage? I barely see you!—why should I stay when you're like this?_

I can't take it. I rip the paper to shreds and I know that those memories are still in my head and I just want to go to sleep without those thoughts burning through my head.

She's right.

I never pay enough attention to her. I shouldn't be able to love because I mess up at it and I can't keep a promise if my life depends on it and—who'd love me?

She's right.

I barely eat and I do look like Hell. Fat, blue eyed teddy bear that's stuffed and stuffed and stuffed…I can't even lose weight right.

I'm so messed up.

I don't know if anyone can fix me.

…_your entire world may change in an instant._

__

_They never told me that maybe one day you'll look into the mirror…_

October, 24, 2009

I'm going back home.

To Randy and Cody. _To Legacy_.

And I've spent the entire day, walking around the house, so helplessly and so hopelessly and so aimlessly, trying to treasure every part of it and trying not to cry and trying to not look into the mirror because now, that book into the mirror doesn't look anything like Ted DiBiase.

I'm cold.

I think my blood count dropped. _Anemia_.

I think my heart rate's slower. _Bradycardia_.

I feel weak.

In the mirror, there are chapped lips and dry skin. Brittle brown hair and breakable fingernails. Bruises on the left side of my head because I 'accidentally' hit my head across the cabinet because of the vanity and hate inside of me and when I look in the mirror, the rest of the world's all dull gray and it's ready to eat me into bits and pieces and I don't think there's anything left in me to give at all.

…I'm so cold…

That night, I'm tugging at my blue trolley and I'm wearing a blue jean jacket and I'm sure that I'm not calm because the stress and nervousness and loss of hope is bubbling right through me and as I walk through the airport, trying to look for Cody and Randy, I suddenly stop.

What will they think of me?

I think my eyes are dizzily rocking back and forth and I'm finding this condensing pain burn into my stomach and throat and I don't think I can breathe as my eyes look at the bodies of Randy and Cody, my eyes light up because they're my happy memories, all blue memories, calm ones that make my brain at ease as I walk towards them.

Cody looks at me and gives me a confused look, "I'm sorry. Do I know you?"

My heart might've stopped beating as my head tries to process the words. Cody doesn't know that I'm his old friend? He can't recognize me. I feel acid and bile rise up in my throat as Randy tries to look closely at me. "I think I know him." Randy's eyes have this type of disgust that makes nausea roll through my stomach.

I don't think I can take it anymore as I hear my trolley's wheels screech and I'm ready to run but then, the words slip out of my mouth, my thoughts, with all the pain that a person can harbor in his words, "you guys! It's me! It's Ted!" and I don't look at their expressions as I try to run off and I can hear their footsteps close by but I don't think I'll stop as I fall down onto the floor.

Pain pushes through my chest to my throat and I reach for my trolley again, pulling myself up, and having Randy and Cody help me as well slowly calms me down on the inside as I look at them, their eyes and their faces are still shocked as I shiver with the coldness that enters my body.

"…Ted?" Randy finally speaks up, holding my wrist so I don't try to run away again but I won't and his eyes are looking at my face, silently judging, silently speaking his words to me, 'Ted, you're… you look like…a skeleton."

Cody nods his head, touching my shoulder a little too tightly, and Cody notices and loosens his grip. "What happened to you, man?" Cody asks, his eyes are trailing down to my body and humiliation seeps through me violently as I look down.

"I don't know," I finally let out, my voice's weak and I think my eyes are going to fill with tears but they don't and my face's hot but the rest of my body's freezing cold as Randy puts his warm hand on my shoulder. "Kristen left me, guys."

Their eyes fill up with shock and both say the same question at once "why?" and I want to tell them everything, the words that she'd written, everything but a part of me sees how they are now and I don't want to hurt them anymore so I say a quick "I don't know" before Randy put his hand towards my head.

"He doesn't have a fever," he announces to Cody and Cody nods his head as if it's the question that's been spiraling through his hand and Cody takes my trolley as I continue my constant shivering and I don't notice it. Randy throws his huge jacket over my body, and puts one arm around my shoulder, squeezing me towards him and I don't say about how tight it is because I realize that this isn't supposed to be tight to a normal person.

I'm not normal.

…_and not know whose the person looking back._

__

_They never told me that everything's turning so colorless…_

October, 25, 2009

It's around three in the morning.

Cody and Randy are asleep, tired and exhausted and even I am, I've been in a flight that seems like it's really forever ago, and now, I have thoughts and thoughts of colors running through my head and eyes.

Randy's always been lavender purple because when he's happy, anyone's world can light up but he's rarely happy but when he is happy, then nothing in the world seems to matter and he's always had this feline elegance in his eyes and I know that I can look forever in his eyes. He's a violet. A precious sweet violet flower.

Cody's always been a mixture of blue and green, like his eyes are, and he's a pretty little flower that turns green and blue at the same time, and he's blue because he's calm little Cody that doesn't want to get angry at anyone and he's green because he's so made out of the Earth, he cares about every bit of the Earth and he'd do anything to help the people he likes.

And me…colorless…trying to find a color for himself.

So very colorless.

…_and you can't do anything to save yourself from drowning into the nothingness that inside of you so badly._

**Great. Now even I hope it gets better. Nah, just worse.**

**:P Sam**


	3. Soul Seeker

**I'll update tomorrow so don't worry. **

Chapter 2

Soul Seeker

_They never told you that when you stare at your skin_

_**That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.**_

October, 26, 2009

When Cody and Randy wake up that morning, they suggest that we go out to the park to train for the upcoming match and I know that they're only trying to lighten the mood as I slip out of my sweater, Cody stares in disbelief and his pupils dilate and my heart feels like stopping but it doesn't and I don't know why.

I look down at my skin and I realize that everyone can see my spine and that my skin's so pale and papery that I realize how could they not stare? I look so very dead and I know that I should be put into a casket and I want to be in a casket, having them stare at my body, as I walk towards the bathroom and lock the door and I find myself looking at the mirror and the person in the mirror—he's just a stranger and I don't know him.

"Ted! I'm sorry!" It's Cody's voice and I know why. It's all because I'm so very frail and weak and delicate that anyone can rip me into pieces just by the second and as I wear my ring attire, I realize how fat I am and my lip's quivering and I grab onto a black t-shirt from my bag and wear it, only to look at the mirror and I don't know why I'm so obsessed with my weight but I am.

I try not to stare but I just keep on staring.

I take Cody's boots and wear them and I look at the mirror and honestly, all I want to do is roll into bed and cry because I'm just so hideous and as I walk out of the room, Cody tries to comment about me wearing his boots, like he always does but he doesn't and he looks at Randy.

I'm so cold.

I'm just shivering and the coldness doesn't seem to get out of my body and I feel Randy's hand on my shoulder as Cody takes out a jacket and puts it on my body, wrapping me into a huge jacket as Randy gives me a hug to warm up my body, I grip onto him as if he's my savior and he steps back, as I continue to shiver with coldness.

"We'll stay," Randy decides but I shake my head.

"Ted, you're so thin. You can barely walk," Cody adds on and his voice's filled with sorrow for saying it and it's making me feel like I'm all wrong and destroyed and damaged—I don't want anything to be wrong with me. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," but it just boils anger in me but I don't feel like I have enough energy to start a fight and as Randy puts me down onto the floor, touching my forehead and looks at Cody. "Food. Get him something to eat."

I want to protest but I'm melting into Randy's arms and I'm just so tired as I look up at Randy's eyes and he's my violet and I feel so calm around him and as Cody comes back with a tray of bagels and pancakes, he settles them down and the voice in my head is screaming _No! No!_

The voice's so loud and I can't shut it up and I'm suddenly alert and awake and my eyes are wide and I know that my heart's ready to burst out of my chest._ Don't you dare do it! This is why she's leaving you. You barely eat but you're still fat. You eat and you'll get even worse. No one will love you that way. _The voices are so loud in my head and I can't breathe.

I take a deep breath and Randy takes a piece of the pancake and rolls it and takes it close to my mouth but I shake my head. "Ted, you have to eat."

I shake my head again and put my head on the pillow. "Come on, for Legacy," but the voices are screaming in my head _No! No! Don't do it you, bitch!_ And I shake my head again violently.

"I'm sorry." Randy says and he says something in Cody's ear who equally apologizes in a soft "sorry" as he holds onto my shoulders and Randy shoves the piece in my throat and I can't concentrate on anything as I shout and Cody tightens his already tight grip and I let out a scream.

"We're sorry!"

And he forces the food down my throat, over and over, over and over, and the voice's so loud that I can't control what I feel and I start hitting but I know that my punches are weak and frail and delicate that Randy really doesn't feel anything and I lay on my bed, feeling as if it's acid in my throat.

Randy leans down to me and his voice's soft now, "please, don't hold it against me. I just don't want to see you like this."

"Get out of my face."

He doesn't understand how loud the voices are, he doesn't understand how much pain I've been through when he'd stuffed the food down my throat and he doesn't understand how it ripped through my heart and he doesn't understand how scarred I am thinking that there's something wrong with me and Randy and Cody—of all people—made me feel betrayed and scarred and hurt.

I think that my soul's on the other side of the mirror and I don't know if I have my life here at all. I think that my life is there—on the other side of the mirror and I don't know if anything's worth this death I've suffered in this world. I want to go to the other side, meet Bloody Mary, and be alive…

Be alive.

I want to be alive.

Can I seek my soul on the other side? Or is it too late? I lay in bed, feeling Randy and Cody's guilt but at the same time, I don't want to talk to them ever again and at the same time, I just want to cry in languish and hurt and agony to them but I just lay there, drained out of energy, thinking my soul's on the other side of the mirror…wanting my soul back…

Because they make me feel like a corpse.

…_you may think it's a cover of lies hiding the truth underneath_

**Ted angst.**

**That makes my day.**

**;) Sam**


	4. Piercing Pieces

**Okay, short chapter but it's still an update! :D**

Chapter 3  
Piercing Pieces

_They never told you that when you break into pieces…_

_**All the little pieces falling, shatter**_**  
**October, 27, 2009

I'm now only pieces of nothingness on the floor of Cody and Randy's life and I know that they think I'm pathetic.

They talk to so many wrestlers, telling them that they can't come in because they have to take care of me, telling them that I'm now an anorexic but I'm not and I know that and as I lie down, feeling betrayed, I don't dare tell them that I feel queasy and nauseous because they'll come racing to me.

I don't want to feel so ugly anymore.

I don't want to feel like I'm so out of control anymore.

I want control. I need control.

But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone anymore because it's hard and I know that Randy's trying to give me closure but I don't think that anyone's like me, suffocating in my own blood, choking in my breath—

Randy tells me that he'll be my therapist and help me because he knows me better than anyone and I nod my head, trying to let the words slip out of my tongue "please, no" but he doesn't want to listen to me saying no.

And as he rubs my back, he says that he'll get a book about therapy to help me get through this and as it becomes dinner time, I'm still so very protestant about it and I don't dare say a word because I'm tired and he holds me down and I take it with the voices screaming in my head and I drown in those voices.

The pieces of my life are on the floor.

I don't want Randy to step on them.

I don't want Cody to step on them.

I don't want them to be hurt because of me. I don't want them to be scarred because of me.

I don't want anyone feeling this way. Ever again. Please, I don't want them to feel this way at all.

And at night, now, I have a dream that freaks me out. I'm stuck, in this black condensing darkness, and I'm so pale into that darkness and there's no light and all and there I am, out of control, spiraling and spinning and running to find a place in this darkness.

I can't.

I wake up screaming.

Randy's arms wrap around me and he holds me as my body shakes and shivers with the coldness at the thoughts of the darkness and Cody, now, sleeping beside me, at my sudden shaking, hold me and they're both clasping onto me, trying to keep me warm.

Nothing makes me happy anymore.

Nothing makes me warm anymore.

I want to breathe.

I can't.

I just can't.

…_you may not be able to get glued back._

**Ted torture is so fun.**

**;) Sam**


	5. Ruined Remains

**Okay, updating. :)**

Chapter 4

Ruined Remains

_They never told me that when you dream_

_**Shards of me, **__**  
**_October, 28, 2009

Randy wake up at six o'clock and tells me that he wants me to start therapy with him and it's making me queasy, having him be my therapist. But he's convinced that he wants to help me be better and he's convinced that it'll go smoother if he knows my progress and what I'm thinking.

"What did you think of when I called in for help?"

"Betrayed. I was betrayed."

"Oh, Teddy… I'm not betraying you. I just want you to get better. Look at you—"I cut him off because I think I know the words and I think that's all I can hear and I think that I want to die if I hear them again.

"I get it! I'm ugly! I'm betrayed! Just say the words straight up, Randy," my heart's pounding in my chest and I'm so very cold and I just want to freaking die but no one will let me and no one understands me. I'm just so very alone and Randy can't see that. Randy doesn't know the pain I feel inside and he doesn't know about the agony that twists and turns into my heart, sloshing acid and he doesn't know how painful it all is.

"You're not ugly." Randy snaps, touching my face but feeling his hot fingers across my cold flesh just makes me feel of how abnormal I am, of how different I am from everyone else and how it might always be that way and I just close my eyes and I feel like I'm falling into my own black hole.

"Then I'm beautiful?" I ask and I know that he'll lie and say "yes" but Randy says the truth he knows instead and shakes his head. "I told you! Stop feeding me lies. I know what I am. I know who I am…just leave me alone."

"Oh, Teddy, what happened to you?" Randy asks, rubbing his fingers against my skin and I wonder how I've changed and I feel so broken inside knowing that I changed and I just want to be normal but nothing will ever be normal again in my book and—and—

I want to scream.

I'll all pieces on the floor.

I'm all messed up.

No one's going to clean up this mess that'll forever be shards and pieces and broken little particles of Ted DiBiase Jr. on the floor. No one really likes me anyways. No one ever notices me. On the sidelines. Forever torn.

Forever gone.

I'm nothing now. Why does he try to fill me when he knows that nothing can fill me up? I don't know but I'm tearing up inside and I don't know how to stop myself and I try to breathe but really—when did I ever breathe?

"Why did you develop anorexia of everything, Ted?" Randy asks, sitting down beside me, holding onto my shoulder, making me feel his warm, envy it, want it and I look up at him, shaking and thinking and wanting but never really having.

"Because-because I'm fat," I respond and shake and shiver with the coldness that keeps getting into me, dragging inside of me, burning up in me. "I'm a fat dope, Randy."

"Oh no," he brings me closer, holding me, rubbing his fingers in my hair in comfort but he doesn't know that nothing will ever comfort me and I know that the truth hurts but lies hurt even more and now, I want to lie to myself and tell myself that everything will be fine and that I'm pretty and Randy's really trying to help me but lies will only break me even more and I just want to be glued back together in this world.

I don't have any glue.

"Kristen's a fool. Don't think about her."

"She left me because I barely eat," I finally say it and Randy's eyes widen as he brings me closer, hugging me to his chest. "She left me because I barely eat and I'm still a fat slob that doesn't know how to commit."

"You can commit, Ted. Don't listen to her." Randy tries to encourage me but he doesn't understand that nothing will ever encourage me ever again. "She doesn't know what she's lost."

"Randy," I barely say his name, burying myself into his chest, feeling him grip a little too tightly but I don't want to tell him that he's too strong for my little body because I don't want to sound little and fragile and frail and I see my life breaking up inside of me, my wrestling life, my love life, my life, all wrapped and broken and I'm too dead to pick up the pieces.

"So you didn't stop eating just because of her? Why?" Randy's voice's soft and I look down at his floor and my head's spinning as I reel back the memories of torment and torture and pain through my head and I just want to hit my head and see my heart bleed and I just want to freaking die remembering it all and _please, just leave me alone_…

"Randy," I finally begin, and my voice's so soft I don't think he can hear. "My father died of a cardiac arrest."

"Oh," he says and he takes me in as I grip onto him and scream and whisper and remember the over washing memories of his funeral and-and—I say the words that are swirling through my head and Randy takes them all in and he doesn't say a word as I scream.

"It's all my fault! All my fault!"

It just hurts.

All of this.

It hurts.

…_I can face back the past that I'm trying to leave behind…  
they can make me weak to the world_

_They can leave scars…_

_Just leave me alone…_

**There you go. Therapy… or at least how I think it works.**

**;) Sam**


	6. Sharp Spear

**An update. Twice in a row. Maybe even tomorrow I'll update! :)**

Chapter 5

Sharp Spear

_You look down at the floor and you know…_

**Too sharp to put back together**

October, 29, 2009

I don't know if I'm really myself when I look at the mirror.

Cody and Randy have a match and I tag along because I don't think that I'm that useless and I don't want to think that I can't help my two best friends and as I sit down, drinking water from a water bottle, sitting next to a cooler Randy and Cody had stashed a few ice cream cups for me and they used to be my favorites too but now, I just can't like them.

I hear John Cena and the Miz fighting as they make my way and sit down, all squabbling and biting each other's throats and when they look at me, "you lost or something?" Mike asks, walking towards me and sitting down, holding onto my shoulder and squeezing it tightly.

I stare at them in confusion as I realize that I look so different than I did before that even the people I've lived with days and days don't recognize how I look like so I sigh and twirl my halfway empty water bottle. "Not lost."

But I really am lost. Inside.

"Really? A new wrestler?" Mike inquires and he puts his hand out so that we can greet and I feel like running away again but I don't and I shake my head. "What? You Cena-shy or something?"

I look at John who's staring at me. "You do look extremely familiar."

"Oh, I know," Mike agrees, staring at my face instead of my chubby, ugly body. "The eyes remind me of someone—anyways, how'd a boy like you become a wrestler since you're really, _really_ lightweight?"

"Nice way to greet people, Miz," John responds, rolling his eyes. "You probably know who I am. John Cena. And this is the guy I hate the most right now. The Miz."

"I know who you are," my voice's raspy and hoarse. "Guys, it's Ted DiBiase from RAW?"

Their eyes widen and their face turns pale and I wonder if I look that bad but I know the answer and it's yes and I look down at my feet as I bend them towards the bench's other empty end, and I bury my head in it.

"You got…really…"

"Thin," Mike chimes in, touching my shoulder. "Something happen that you want to talk to us about?"

"No," I snap, feeling so worthless because my voice, instead of being strong, is tiny and weak.

Randy and Cody walk in after the show and see that I'm curling into a ball and my head's on my knees and Randy's face turns angry, spilling rage, as he turns to look at Mike and John. "You do anything to him?" Randy spills out in rage and they shake their heads, trying to explain the situation.

I stand up and look at Randy, with pain burning through me and filling me and stabbing me and I think I feel tears gather at the corner of my eyes as I speak with a weak voice because I can't make it stronger without feeling a strain of agony tearing up in my throat. "I can't believe it, Randy."

Randy's eyes soften as he tries to touch my face but I step back because I already know that I'm so very abnormal without having his hot fingers touch my cold face and I don't deserve his touch.

Cody walks towards me but I step back even more until I'm pressed to the wall and this alerts John and Mike who stand up and stare at this new beast that's condensing in me and I know it.

"I can't believe it," I say in a loud voice, feeling the agony tearing up in my throat, torture reeling through my vocal cords and it's really know I feel, pained, hurt, tortured, distorted into another time and another space and I deserve every bit of this torture. "I can take care of myself, Randy. I don't need you feeling sorry for me."

The look in his eyes is a sharp spear to my side and I don't know how to feel happiness anymore and it's beyond my reach and I just want to die. I look at myself and I find nothing but a stranger that's barreling through life like it's all a dream and dreams are my only escape from this dark reality that haunts me.

"Ted, I—"Randy starts but I turn around and I run. I run hearing him scream, over and over, "Teddy! TED!"

And as I run, around what seems like two hours but are really just nothing more than ten minutes and as I reach the parking lot, I bend down and throw up, pain and acid in my throat and I fall down onto the floor, feeling so very fragile and broken up and I look up at the sky and I try to breathe but I don't think I can.

Then I hear footsteps. "Can I help you?"

When I look up at his name tag and it says DR. RICHARDS.

"Y-yeah," I respond as I bite my lower lip, feeling it want to tear up and I think I can taste my blood and I'm so very dizzy. "I-I'm an anorexic and I need help." I say and as he reaches out his hand, I take it, feeling so very dizzy as he helps me up and tells me that he'll take care of me.

I look back once more.

"I-I'm sorry, Randy." I say to the thick air that's surrounding me and I look back down at the sidewalk and I find nothing and I see nothing but faded memories and stabbing horror at thinking of death and blood as he takes me inside of his car and I look out.

My stomach wrenches with uneasiness and nausea and in the middle of the drive, he looks at me, inspects me as I look down at a photograph of Legacy, missing them, wanting to turn back.

I've been in his car for around five hours and we're still not there yet.

I look down at Randy's picture, feeling my tears well up but they don't fall at all, numb little tears at my eyes. Richards kneels close to my lap and looks at what I'm looking at and he lets his finger point at Randy. "You love him."

"I…I…" my throat dries as I look down at him and shake from the coldness that's overtaking my body and I let the words flow out of my mouth. "I can't love anyone anymore."

**My Teddy muse is still following around like Hell...I need a new muse.**

**Ted: What? I'm good!**

**;) Sam**


	7. Small Squeaky Steps

**Okay, finally...real angst and torture. **

Chapter 6

Small Squeaky Steps

_They never told you that horror can come in all ways…_

**Too small**

October, 30, 2009

It's around six o'clock at night when I arrive at Richards' house and as he tells me to sit down, I look around and realize how black and damp and dark this place is and I'm tempted to run away because my stomach's twisting and my head's spinning and I just want it all to stop and I just to freaking breathe but I don't get any of that as he ruffles his fingers through my hair.

I look at him and I realize how cunning and mischievous and clever those eyes are, all twisted into his eyes, a thousand emotions—hate, because everyone hates me, lust, for me—and before I can finish my thoughts, he presses me to the couch and looks at me.

"Ready for your treatment?" he asks, and takes my hand, looking at it, looking at my veins and my arteries all in one go, all clumped up in the surface of my ugly tattered skin. He throws me a white bottle and I don't need to look at it to realize that it's steroids and my heart hammers in my chest and I start to sweat and my head's spinning and pounding and I clutch onto my shirt to feel the heat there.

"Steroids?" I almost whisper and before I could say anything, he rips the bottle out of my hands and opens the lid off, Richards' hand pushes me to the couch and his eyes are staring at me, hard eyes, and fear burns right through me and all I want to do is cry and all I can do is die inside and he shakes more than ten pills at once and he forces it down my throat, fast and hard, acid burns in my throat and as I try to look up at him, I dizzily fall down onto the couch and the room's spinning and the world's all wrong and all I could do is try to speak but I can't speak at all.

He throws my Legacy picture and me and demands me to, "Look at it."

I grab onto the picture and it's all fuzzy and unclear and hazy and I can't make out me from Randy from Cody and it's all blurry lines and I don't know what the hell is going on and that's all the time he needs to grab onto my shoulder and throw me towards the table, his hand rubbing against the flesh of my sweaty face and everything's just so dizzy and unclear and surreal and I don't know if I'm in reality or if I'm burning in another realm. "Stay in one place, Teddy bear."

My head spins and spins and spiraling around the fluorescent flaming light in front of me and I feel as if fire's burning in my sockets as I close my eyes and I feel him strapping me down and my head spins and spins as I open my eyes again and see his hands snaking up my belt, unbuckling it and taking it off. "Relax, Ted. You want to be fixed, don't you?"

I nod my head once, feeling sweat trap against my skin. "You want him to like you, don't you?" I know that he's talking about Randy. I never really loved Randy but now that he's mentioning it, I'm starting to—slowly think—that he's some sort of angel there for me.

He's not here now.

It's like betrayal in my head but I can't think too clearly anymore as I feel his hands travel up my legs and a shiver goes up my spine as I look at what I can see. I still have my underwear on but my jeans and belt are no the ground and I see as his fingers slip towards a scalpel and he looks at me once. "Tell me, little one. Why are you an anorexic?"

"My father died. My wife left me." I replay that in my head. My father just drops down, the Million Dollar man just goes down, and my wife, wearing the same shade of pink she wore on our wedding, the same smile painted on her lips when she last left the room, and then reading the letter and having her not come back until I was gone, choking on her dead sparkles and strangling under my unsaid words of sorrow—I just don't know what to do anymore. "I…I think I can't love anymore…I just know it."

"But you love him," he snaps at me. "And you shouldn't."

I nod my head. "I shouldn't," I repeat and feel as Richards' scalpel digs into my flesh and I want to scream in pain. He didn't numb me and he knows it as well as I do but I bite at my lower lip because I know that I deserve this. I deserve this. I tell myself as I take a swig of breath and feel another sharp encounter with the scalpel digging inside of my body, making me want to scream, making me want to cry and all I could say is "Randy".

Randy.

What would he do right now?

I'm his biggest fighter. I can't cry and break right now. I'm part of his Legacy. I shouldn't break. Those last few days with them, they're just pathetic and I don't want to be pathetic anymore. I want to be strong for him. I need to be strong for him. And as he digs the scalpel dip into my arteries, I could see so much blood…it's like a horror movie and I could see the purple and red and blue of my body, pulsing pain, ripping horror, and I don't think I can take the scent that's flowing to my nose so harshly and so very horridly.

I try to rip my hands out and rip my legs out but I can't. I'm just completely stuck and the more I try to break free, the more the cuffs dig into my body, blood pouring so rigidly, flesh peeling, and I think I'm in this horrible horror movie and I can't get out at all.

I look around and find myself trapped with the darkness ready to pound inside of me. I don't think I can take it anymore but I do. I close my eyes and let the despondency and agony and distress linger inside of me, clawing me into its black hole, deep inside of Hell, burning fire…

I don't know how many hours I spend with him touching my insides, paining me, making me want to kill myself, making me want to be suicidal, but it seems like an eternity in Hell and when I finally open my eyes, I find those numbed tears lashing away down my face and instead of feeling cold, I'm still burning and as I look down at my feet, I think I'm seeing nothing but blood and flesh.

It's all tattered and battered.

And looking around, there's just so much blood…and it smells so revolting and repulsive and I think it's poison to my head as I try to breathe but I know I freaking can't breathe and I feel as if something's clogging my throat and I can't get it out and I'm tempted to rip my throat out but I can't and my hands are so very tired as he lets me go and my hands and feet just hurt more now that the blood freely runs from them and as I look back down to my feet, I still only see a horror movie and sitting up, I realize that I have no energy and I feel so drained out of my brain and I feel him as he holds my shoulders, gripping them tightly and the pain just multiplies by twenty and I moan from the agony that's filling me whole.

He throws me back towards his near couch and I feel little particles eating away at my back as he walks towards me, holding my chin and lifting it up so that my eyes faced his and he tells me to wait while he brings me a tray of food, a bright red tray of sandwiches and I honestly want to fight it and I honestly try to but I have no more energy. I'm just so drained I can't even afford emotions.

_Too weak to fight, Teddy?_

And as he shoves them down to my throat, I feel as if it's tasteless and everything tastes so very bitter and repulsive that I don't want to eat it anymore but he shoves it down my throat anyways.

_No wonder Randy doesn't even notice you exist._

"He does," I mumble with a full mouth to the voices and Richards smacks the back of my head so that I'd gulp the tasteless food down and then he'd laugh at me, seeing the dizziness and the blackness that's clogging my eyes and he loves it so very much as he squeezes my shoulders.

_Why isn't he here then?_

"He doesn't know where I am," I whisper, so tired and so sleepy and I try to stand up but I fall back down on the floor when I feel pain shoot up from my feet to my head and Richards throws me back up the couch, groans coming out from my mouth as the throbbing tones down but it's not enough for me to fall asleep. The pain's just too overwhelming and I can't walk anymore.

…_and you're in a horror movie right now._

_They never told you that the next time you breathe…_

**To matter**

October, 31, 2009

It's Halloween.

The day where everyone dresses up and Jeff Hardy's favorite holiday and I'm sitting down, remembering little pieces of my cluttered memory as he tells me that I need to keep my energy up for tomorrow and he's threatening to strap me down to the couch if I try to walk.

After ten minutes of walking me trying to move, he straps me down, harsh and hard so that I can stay in one place and as I stare at him, biting the flesh of my lower lip and his fingers trace around my feet and Richards' looking at me as if I'm his victim and my heart thuds so loudly in my ear that I feel as if it'll stop any moment and I'll die.

I'm dressed up without even trying to me.

A horror movie.

My legs and feet have bruises on them from my attempts to try and walk and my flesh has drained blood covering it whole and every time I try to clean it up, pain just shoots up my toe to my head, it just hurts so much to touch me there and I'm too weak to get out of the couch and I don't know how many pieces are on the floor of the house but he keeps pressing me to them, so that blood will clog my memory and I'll be so dizzy that I wouldn't notice it if he shoves food down my throat.

The only reason I'm still alive is because he's not done with me yet and I wish he'd be done with me so that he can rip my heart out of my chest because I don't want it beating in my ears anymore. It just hurts so very much. Every time I look in the mirror, I still feel like my soul's there and it's missing its body and every time I look down at the floor, to the pieces, I know that's my forever broken heart that's inking and bleeding ink to write on my paper, hot red blood.

It just hurts.

The worst part is the voices. The voices convince me to do things I don't want to do. The voices convince me that Randy can never love a pathetic idiot like me and I find myself wondering and hoping that Randy doesn't care if I'm dead or alive because I don't want him to get hurt over me.

I don't want him to get hurt over nothing.

A horror movie.

All in my head.

I can't escape.

…_you'll wish it's your last breath._

**now, that's real pain.**

**Ted: *eyes widened* can you torture me even more?**

**I can try...**

**;) Sam**


	8. Ted's Terror Train

**okay...yeah, i'm torturing him too much but i love torturing Ted.**

**Ted: only because I'm your new muse?**

**maybe...  
**

Chapter 7

Ted's Terror Train

_I'm so far away…_

**But big enough to cut me **

November, 1, 2009

Today, in the morning, I feel him shake me awake as my droopy sleepy eyes slowly open up and I feel as if my lids are heavy and I just want to go back to sleep because my reality's now such a nightmare that won't end and as Richards slaps me into the face harshly to wake me up, my eyes are halfway open and I look down at the glass to piece together my bloodshot eyes.

"I…I…" I try to form a sentence but it doesn't work. I'm just so tired and so very worn out and so exhausted that I don't think I'm really alive and just a zombie, and as his fingers trace around my rough, dried mouth, he looks down at my stomach and smirks.

"At least you're human again," and as my eyes catch my now fully bloated swollen body, I feel as if no one can really love me, as the tears threaten to fall down my face and the voice inside of my head is shouting and screaming and tearing my brain into pieces as he tells me that it's time for another round and I don't know what else he can do to my tattered, torn legs. Flesh still stuck with dried blood and red rashes are clinging onto the surface of my skin, a scar settles on my ankle because it's the first one, and bits of my epidermis is still sticking out and it hurts and my dermis is so very red and painful to touch.

I don't look human.

I look like a monster.

I feel like one, too. For leaving Cody and Randy all alone. They must've been scared for me. I don't want them to fear where their little friend is because I'm just not worth it. I'm never worth anything anymore. I see as Richards takes the still bloodied scalpel and as Richards tells me to look around, I do look around and I'm just so very distracted looking at the bloodied walls. "W-what's all this?" I say, now completely focused on the bloodied red walls. They were white when I had come here and now, they're covered with dry blood.

"That's you when you move here and there," Richards snaps. "Just stay in one place or you're going to drown us with your blood. Understand?"

I'm just too stunned, looking at the walls, all covered with trails of blood and I wonder is that all I've lost? I feel like if he cuts through me, I might die because of blood loss and as he looks at me, shoving food down my throat again and this tastes so strong and bitter and so very sugary that I'm going to puke from sugar overload as he looks back down at my body, to experiment and watch around and I honestly don't feel like it's my body anymore.

I feel as if it's everyone else's body but not really mine since he's busy tattering and destroying and battering me into a ragged doll that everyone will throw away in the dumpster in the end of things.

Randy's become a dream now.

I don't think he's real.

And I honestly don't think he misses me enough to look for me and that's the only thing that keeps me happy now, knowing that Randy doesn't care makes me happy because I'm not hurting him on the inside and I don't care if I'm so hopeless and helpless because I'm just destined to die.

I'm destined to be terrified to death.

He drives his scalpel inside of my stomach, slices it open and I stare, biting my lip, staring at the throbbing pain as I see all my internal organs, all ready for him to slice up into pieces and I don't think I can take it anymore and I'm right. I faint. I faint into the blackness at the back of my head as his uncaring eyes gaze upon on my body.

I still feel the pain.

Driving the scalpel into me.

Shooting pain in my stomach, and making the rest of my body numb and brittle and fragile.

When I wake up, I wake up to dried clumped blood and tattered flesh and my shirt is on the floor and I can't really speak because I'm just too stunned at the vision in front of me. He's trying to break all of me and I don't think I care anymore as he unbuckles my pants again and before I comprehend what he's doing to me—he shoves himself inside of me.

It's like pain all over again.

This time it's just shooting all over my body and my fingernails dig into my own flesh and I feel like tearing my hair out but I'm still convinced I deserve to suffer as he pushed in and out of me, and I throb with displeasure and horror and terror and I just want to run off and get a train out of here but this train doesn't seem like it's going to stop any minute.

I feel like I've been raped.

I don't know if it's really pain because I'm the one who wanted treatment. Is this treatment for my mind? I bite my lower lip and try to stand up and now that I think I can, I hold onto the bed and stand up and I don't know. It feels like a miracle but I fall back down onto the floor and I look down between my legs to find blood and fluid and I look up at him. "C-can I shower?" I stutter.

He simply nods his head as I find myself having to crawl there because I can't stand and as I walk inside of his bathroom, locking the door, I strip myself out of my clothes, barely able to and I sit onto the floor and let the water run. I curl into a ball because my head's begging to rest and as I put my head on my knees, feeling the freezing cold water over wash my head and body. The sweat finally runs down and every time I blink, I believe that I'll be here forever.

He opens the door and I close my eyes, even though he's seen every part of me, he throws clothing over the drenched floor and when I'm done, I crawl towards the soaked clothing and see the thick cotton black material and as I try to wear it, feeling as if wearing my clothes is an everyday chore because of the pain, I crawl out of the door, finding it hard to open the door and seeing him laugh at me, I look down. Walking is a miracle to me. Surviving seems like a bigger one.

"Why black?" I ask and my voice's weak and my throat's so dry from lack of dehydration.

"That why you won't faint if you see blood." I feel my cheeks burn hot red and as I creep towards the couch and lay outstretched on it, feeling my body ache all over, I look up at the ceiling. Drops of water fall down onto my face, absorbed by the black material and I lay my still tired face onto the pillow, looking around the house and feeling as if I'm trapped in here forever.

…_that I don't think you're alive anymore._

_I've been living here for so long…_

**Into so many little pieces.**

November, 2, 2009

It's around three in the morning.

I'm awake.

Staring at the floor.

Bloodshot.

Pieces of glass.

Reflect me.

_I'm scared._

I'm awake.

_I'm pathetic._

Staring at the floor.

_I'm hopeless._

Bloodshot.

_I'm helpless._

Pieces of glass.

_I'm broken up._

Reflect me.

_Into so many little pieces._

…_that I think my soul's died here._

**aw...teddy...**

**;) Sam**


	9. Terrible Touch

**Randy and Cody are going to be here…_soon_. :P For now, Teddy's free.  
**

Chapter 8  
Terrible Touch

_You're leaving a trail of blood _

**If I try**

November, 3, 2009

That night is the breaking point.

I just can't take it. I honestly don't care if he had raped me again but it's the horror as he sticks a needle in my brain that shocks me and he's operated on my brain and slowly, the thoughts of Randy Orton are fading away from me…

Randy…

Cody…

After the needle sticking horror of pricking a white pointy stick in my exploding brains, and I fall back in the black and I seriously think I'm dead. I think I'm completely and utterly dead.

When I wake up, the only thoughts that are stirring in my head are two names, two perfect names—

Randy…

Cody…

They seem like friends I've lost a long time ago but I try to remember how they look like and I don't succeed at all as I get used to this blurry life. Having him now let me wear white clothes, telling me that I'm good now and that I'm human now.

My stomach's bloated but there's a horrid bruise on the left side of my face that pulses pain when I look at it, and there's a deep scar at the back of my neck, where he had cut through and my lips are swollen with redness and my body's rigid with the still coldness that didn't get away from me, and my eyes are burning up the color red, bloodshot and bits and pieces of my flesh still reside into my body, making me look pink and red but not normal.

I don't recognize myself anymore.

I feel ugly and distorted and unclear in this world.

All I know is that my name's Ted.

I don't even remember my last name anymore. DiBiase. I think that's my last name but I'm halfway not sure and I don't care if I get it wrong or right because I'm a horrible, horrible person.

I should be damned to Hell if I think I deserve this.

_And no one's following it from disgust_

_You can't really breathe_

**To touch her**

November, 4, 2009

I have memories of Kristen being close, how I loved her, and then she just basically ripped my heart out of my chest with one letter and I remembered almost everything but Randy and Cody. I don't even know their last names. It's like they're just a vague and distant memory at the back of my head but whenever I say Randy's name, my heart beats ten times faster and I feel ten times more worthless and even if I don't remember him, I know that he's better than me.

I can walk now.

For about thirty minutes then I fall back down again.

It's enough for me.

To run away.

I want to run away.

I need to run away.

I want to go away, far away so that I can find myself, I want to know who I am and what's my purpose in life again because I've lost everything now that I'm so ugly that I can't really wrestle anymore and it's all my fault.

I want to go home.

But there is no home for me. There's no one that'll take someone as hideous as me in and I run off, into the night, and when I stop running away, I realize that I can't run and that I fall down onto the street floor and fall asleep.

It's so cold here.

But I'm finally away from him.

I want Cody. I want Randy. Even if I don't know exactly who they are, I still have a need for them and I still want them, so very much, to be around me. I still feel like they're the only one that complete me.

But for now, I'm on the road, with my back pressing against the pavement, my eyes on the black sultry curtain of the sky and I want to touch the stars and burn into one because I don't think I belong here.

_And you can't really remember who you are._

**Well, it's cute.**

**;) Sam  
**


	10. Black Blood

**Um...yeah, LC reminded me. Thank you, Bianca! :) That your name, right? I'll update on Crazy Train tomorrow! If not, then _definitely_ after tomorrow!**

Chapter 9  
Black Blood

_Where am I?  
_November, 5, 2009  
**And**

I'm still living on the street.

Still scared.

Still all alone.

People stare at me. They're scared to touch me. They're scared to look at me. When children look at me, their eyes light up with fear. I can't believe what I've become. I just want to fix myself but I don't know how to. I don't think anyone can. I'm just too hideous to be fixed.

But the image still burns in my brain...

All that blood...

It just hurts remembering it all.

I walk around, with nothing in my name, even the clothes I wear around mine and even the face I wear isn't mine, and the only thing that belongs to be is the invisible black blood that strides along the street when I cross it.

It's the only thing I truly own.

Horror.

It's all so much horror in my brain.

I don't know if I can take it anymore.

I'm starving.

I don't need to eat though.

I'm sick.

Inside and I'm sure I've caught a cold. Or rabies. I wish it's rabies. Let me just die out here.

I'm dead inside.

Always been.

I don't think I can hold on much longer but I do and nothing's there at the back of my head, but pieces and blurred images of love and horror and death all meshed together and they're so blurry that I can't make out the pictures that are in my head and as I lay down somewhere at night when the weather is sweet and the world around me is beautiful and I'm just a piece of a puzzle that tries to fit in but I don't. I can't.

I stand out. Too badly. Too bright.

I pace around the sidewalk once more before I sit down onto the pavement and hope someone looks at me even once. I've taken a few pictures with the money I have left in my pocket, completely forgetting my wallet at the hotel, all I have is a $50 to live with and looking back at the vivid, clear image of me, I know that no one can love that person; I'm not sure if it's even a person. It doesn't look like me at all.

Somewhere around midnight, as I stare at a lake, I notice that my red skin's paling and I'm being mended back.

I look better for the first time in what seems and feels like forever.

But I can't help but feel like something's taken from me. Badly.

Horridly.

I can't trust anyone anymore.

I can't trust myself anymore.

_I'm lost._

_Dead...so very dead...  
_November, 6, 2009  
**I**

I hate this. I hate all of this.

I want to run away.

I need to run away from this world.

I hate this. I hate all of this.

I need to run away.

I want to run away from this world.

It's just the only thing running from my mind. It's hurting me. My head's exploding. My heart's bleeding. My lungs are squeezed into nothing and I'm left here on the sidewalk, laying so dead on the pavement, I've had people walk over me, hear me grunt, and I've had people just stare at me, trying to lend a helping hand but none of them stay long enough and all I'm left with is blood, trying not to choke on myself, trying not to choke on my past.

I hear the sound of a voice asking for a cigarette.

Randy stops and stares at me, his eyes squinting at me, and as he leans down to me, and his eyes are slowly widening as he considers the posibility..."T-T-Teddy?" he whispers so very lightly.

"Oh, Randy," I try to sit down and when I do, I grab onto him, holding onto him, squeezing him, and I feel myself burn on the inside, feel sweet on the inside, pooling love from my head to my toes as he runs his fingers through my hear, feeling him shake from under me. "Life's been like Hell."

"Ted..." he whispers under his breath, holding the back of my head, pressing me close.

I don't know how long I've gone without sleep.

But at that moment, I finally fall asleep.

Because I finally feel like everything's going to be safe again.

_Inside of me. All burning up._

_I can't believe this_  
November, 7, 2009  
**Bleed**

I'm in a hotel room.

I'm curled up in sheets, Cody and Randy right next to me, watching me as I wake up, and Cody leans down to me, smiling at me. "Oh, Tedd, are you okay? What happened? You look..." my eyes go to the mirror to see that the redness is all gone, just a pale body, and the scabs are still scraped, covered bruises, I look normal now that the red is gone and all that's left of me is relief.

I never want them to see me like that.

See me all hurt and destroyed.

See me all scared.

All terrified and horrified.

All scarred.

Randy sits down beside me, running his fingers from my throat to my chest, and he bites his lip. "I'm sorry I could've find you earlier, Ted. It's glad to have you back, man...you seemed to gain a little weight. You look better now." He says, rubbing the back of my neck.

"I...I..."

"Shh," Randy whispers.

"I...Randy, it's--I feel like I'm going to...black out..."

"What?"

I faint before I can even take another breath.

When I wake up, I'm all alone, with no one around me, seeing Randy and Cody's tape on the wall and without moving, I know that they're out for a match. I simply stare at the wall, and try to shuffle the pain. I don't want to tell them about the horror I've experienced in that horrifying tale of pain that I've seen and felt and heard. I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I don't need anyone feeling sorry for little Ted.

How many times have I regretted this mistake?

**There you go!**

**;) Sam**


	11. Horrid Heartbreaker

**Hmm…updating! :D That's new of me…but I should anyways. And notice the twists.**

**Chapter 10  
Horrid Heartbreaker **

_I just can't believe what's in front of me…_  
November, 8, 2009  
**I**

I keep fainting and coming back into reality.

I'm just so tired.

That I can't tell reality from my dreams and my unconscious anymore. It's like they're both two things that are mashed and collided together and I need to be fixed but no one cares that I'm broken.

I'm too broken.

And no one can fix me.

I don't think I can fix myself.

Can anyone fix me when I doubt myself so much? How'd this happen to me? Why'd this have to happen to me? I don't want to tell Randy. I don't want to tell Cody. I don't want to tell anyone about the nightmares that are pouncing in my sleep. They're too horrifying. They're too crawling under my skin.

I need to breathe.

I don't think I can.

All I taste is bitterness and Randy's afraid of me lapsing back into my used to be state, he's afraid that I'll lose too much weight all over again and I'm started to feel too cold to move and when I wake up, I find a rose in front of me, holding on its stem, I stare and look at the note.

_Ted, I hope you feel better. I'm taking you to a doctor when I come back…Cody made me pick out the flower. Don't mind him. He just liked the color. —Randy_

When he does come back, he tells me to dress up and when I'm finished, he holds me by my hand and takes me outside, and the coldness outside is too overwhelming and walking three steps is too hard for me now and in the middle of it, I fall down onto the floor. "Ted!" Randy exclaims, leaning down towards me, to stare into my eyes, and all I can see in his is pain.

Sorrow.

I don't need him to feel sorry for me. I can feel sorry for myself and I can't even do that myself.

"Randy?" I ask him.

He lifts my head so that we're eye to eye, "yes?"

"I have that black out feeling again…" it's dizziness. Too much dizziness and I fall down into his arms, feeling the blackness rush to my head, a needle through me, quick and painful, a surge of pain.

I don't wake up.

Not for a while.

I've been too scared for far too long.

I need to be strong…but I forgot how to be. How pathetic.

I end up in this place—I haven't had real dreams in a while. It has too many doors. Multicolor doors in a black background.

I wake to one of them.

It's blue.

I walk through the door and there's a lot of blue doors around, namely, all different shades, from a warm blue, to a dark blue, I go to the coolest, calmest blue door and walk through it, staring at the scene right in front of me—it's one of my memories—I'm not in a dream. I'm in my head.

As I realize this, I'm shocked on the inside, electrified, horrified, scared. How do I end up here? Why? I knew it was because of Richards screwing with my brain. I knew it was because of that. But why would he? Was I really just a scientific experiment in his opinion? Did I really have no feelings and no heart in his opinion? He's just not worth the tears and I know it but—I can't help but feel torn inside, being played like that, right in front of my eyes, but I wanted to be treated. And he treated me. He did, didn't he?

I had been so tired.

I'm still so very tired.

I'm suddenly fixed on the scene in front of me. My birth. Why blue? Why is it filed in the color blue in my mind? I stare as my mother holds me, and my father leans down—but I'm too silent for a child. I feel the doctor's hands sneak up from behind me, and look at me, "you with them, boy?"

I can't believe it.

I'm now becoming a part of my brain? My memories? I don't want to ruin myself further. But I don't know how I'm mixed into this mess. I'm there and I'm here and I fainted, too. Did he break me into pieces? The pieces that I've already known I was? I stare as my mother runs his fingers through my hair. "Theodore," she announces. "Theodore DiBiase Junior."

"Hey there, Ted," my father says, rubbing his rather large finger to my cheek.

I look back at the doctor and shake my head, "I don't think so."

"You lost?"

I nod my head because I'm lost. I've always been too lost in myself. "Are you okay, kid? You look sick?"

"I am sick." I say.

"What's your name?"

"Ted." I snap. "Just leave me alone."

I look around here, for a way out, I don't want him to question me and I'm tired of answering questions. I just want to go home. Where's home? Why am I too lost? Where the hell is a way out?

I walk out of the hospital doors, to see a bunch of people lined up, and I walk away. Blue…this is blue because it's calming. My birth. I guess I'm just painted blue. Painted with going to be depression.

I'm in another part of my memory.

Stuck in my memories.

And it's fearful.

Seeing this place.

People I don't think I've seen before. People I don't remember seeing before in my life and then at the park, there's Bob Orton and there's two year old Randy Orton in his lap, I look at him, even so tiny, he's a heartbreaker.

I sit down by the Orton Legend and stare at his son, "you watch wrestling I take, huh, kid?"

"Yeah," in a way, I do. I do watch the replays of the match, Randy used to make us do it so that we can learn from our mistakes and try not to do them again and staring at Randy, all cuddled up in Daddy's arms, 'he's going to be a great wrestler."

"You think so, kid?"

"I know so."

I stand up, staring at Randy one more time before I look away and start to walk away even though I don't know where to go and I don't want to leave Randy, even as a baby, and I stop when I realize that I've been walking to what feels like an hour and then, there's a faint voice at the back of my head.

_"He's in a coma."_

Coma?

Is this what coma people see?

Memories?

Or is it just me? I know it's got to be just me. I can hear Cody's shrieks and Randy's voice is too blurry and I need to go into a place where I'm alone, so I can hear it, and as I run to the nearest hotel, check myself in, and run inside of the room, falling down on my bed, it's all silence.

The sound of silence is deafening.

I'm all alone right now.

I wait to hear his voice again.

_"Is Ted going to be fine?"_

_"We don't know, Mr. Orton."_

_"Is he going to be fine?!"_

_"Probably not."_

_"Why is he in a coma state?"_

_"We're checking on that."_

_"Please find out why. I swear I'll never forgive myself if I let him get hurt this way."_

_"We'll try our best."_

I hear the sound of footsteps shuffling and I close my eyes, sitting on the bed, stretching and I don't know what the hell this doctor did to my brain but I think that's it, he's made me able to enter my memories, my dreams, feel them, as if they're real—they are real in some freakishly hard to explain way.

_"Cody, we can't lose him again."_

_"I know."_

_"What do you think we should do?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"What do you mean you don't know?!"_

That makes me jump. I think it made Cody jump too.

_"Sorry, Cody, it's just that…"_

_"I know how you feel, Randy. He's my best friend, too…do you think that he can hear us right now?"_

_"I don't think so…"_

By that time, I think I've fallen asleep because my eyes are shut and I'm still laying down onto the room, still so very scared, still wondering if I'm going to live or if I'm going to die in my own mind.

I don't know what's going on with me anymore.

_…it's all pain._

_Can I get out?_  
November, 9, 2009

I wake up.

And I'm in a different place completely.

It's more recognizable now.

I look down in my body and looked at how the flesh is different and how I look different and I realize that this time, I'm really in my memories, old enough to understand how the world looks, I think I've stitched my part. What's going on? What happened when I was born that was so heartbreaking enough to tear me out?

I think I understand.

When I'm too depressed, I break into pieces.

Like I felt when he did that operation on me.

When I break into pieces in my head, I break into people instead. If I'm too depressed, I'm here and I'm there…when I'm happy, I find myself in my old body. That's all I could understand. It's how he tricked my body and mind to work.

I feel even more shattered now.

I stand up and walk towards the mirror and stare at my image. This is a memory when I'm sixteen. I know that body. I know those eyes looking back at me. But being in my sixteen year old body just makes me feel confused.

So very confused.

Is this what happens when you mess around with past and present and memories and dreams? I'm so losing my own mind. I don't know what's going on with me enough to get myself out of this mess.

I put my hands in my pocket and feel as if something's bulging in my pants and I stare down to look at a sapphire ring. I don't understand. I've never seen this before. I stare at it, soft blue that's deepening. Is this my way to the doors? I put it around my finger and I see how it turns to a softer blue.

Depression.

As if what I'm reflecting.

This is my doorway.

I know it.

I just do.

I look around, and find myself looking as my father walks inside of my door and hugs me tightly, "missed me?"

"Y-yeah," I stutter.

"You look different today. What's up with the rock?" he can see that? I shake my head and look back down at my ring. "You're becoming like your old man already, huh? The bling?"

"Yeah," I reply. "I guess so."

"Something wrong, Teddy?"

There is something wrong. Looking at him right now, but remembering in another world, he's dead. It just affects me. Traps me inside. Hurts me. Shocks me. I just stare at him and shake my head.

"Don't lie to me, Ted."

I stare at him. "I-I'm not lying. I'm fine." Fine right now but only because I'm far away from his corpse.

"Theodore…"

I remember what happens in sixteen and I don't want to tell him that. Not tonight. I don't want to tell him that I'm gay. It's just too painful. I tell him that I'm gay and before I graduate, he persuades me to marry Kristen to make him happy and I don't want to remember that anymore because she's the one who broke me, even if I didn't even like her. I don't need to see her anymore.

"I'll tell you later on." I feel my stomach flip as I put my hands in my pockets and look back at the mirror, dressed up in a suit for tonight's dinner with the Orton's, I walk downstairs, and find Randy sitting there, crossing his legs and staring at me. How much I want to kiss him. I can't believe it's taken me five years to realize how much I've loved Randy Orton. His eyes, his smirk, his hair, his skin…perfection glistens whenever I stare at his body and face and all I want to do is hold onto him and make out and make him take all the pain away from my body.

But I know I'm going to mess with my mind.

If I mess with my memories, it doesn't change with the past. It just screws with my brain even more. That's what he wanted to do I guess. Make me all confused. Make me too vulnerable. I already am too vulnerable. Why would he do it? I don't know. I'm just his little test and he wonders if he could.

It just hurts knowing I've been used too many times.

It's hard staring at him, knowing that I can't have any bit of him, knowing that I'd have to sit through dinner and go through that horrible pain of telling my parents that I'm gay. It's just that night. And I just wish that I've been more shattered before—but all I remember from my last memories of this night, I started out excited. But now, I'm just too broken knowing the outcome.

I sit down onto the chair and stare at them, wiping the sweat off my forehead. "Ted? Are you okay?" My mother asks me, kissing my forehead.

I nod my head. "Yeah, just fine."

"Boy won't tell me what's wrong with him," my father says before my mother could ask and she nods her head and sits down. They've always hated how stubborn I am. I know that as I look down at my food but I shake my head and tell them that I'm not hungry even if truth, I am.

I hear a vague voice.

I know that Randy and Cody are visiting so I excuse myself from the table and walk over to the bathroom and shut the door to hear them, pressing myself against the wall so I could the words correctly.

_"So what's up, doc? You found out what's wrong?"_

_"Unfortunately…"_

_"It's bad news?"_

_"Very."_

_"Cody, go get something for us to eat. I'll get more information."_

_"Okay, Randy."_

_"How bad?"_

_"Too bad."_

_"Tell me."_

_"I don't know how he's injured his brain. But he has. In ways I cannot imagine. In some way, half of his brain isn't working so the other half works harder to complete most of his actions and that tires out Ted's body out enough for him to fall asleep at random periods of the day. And then there are problems with his memory. He can't seem to have the same memories. They're changing every split second."_

_"What?"_

_"His memories are becoming his nightmares. In that case, he can be in them, mess with them, because his memories are slowly fading from his brain."_

_"How can we fix this?"_

_"Find out what he did and if it's surgery, we need those tools…"_

_"I—thank you for your time."_

Randy's voice is so broken off at the end that I let the tears fall off my eyes and I don't care who walks in and who calls me a baby. This hurts.

Too much.

Because it hurts Randy.

I hear the door click open and there's Randy Orton, standing there with a confused expression as he leans down towards me, rubbing away my tears and I bite my lower lips. I don't want to lose my memories. I don't want to change my memories. I want to be normal again.

Figures I'm the only one in the universe who's banned form even having memories. I should just be banned from living.

Randy leans down towards me, touching my cheek and looking at me. "Ted, what the hell is wrong with you?"

"It's…I'm—gay." I have to find an excuse and I need to say these words tonight. I said them at the exact time I was supposed to in my real memory, but to the wrong person because then, Randy's mouth attacks mine with a kiss, passionately beautiful, and I have to push off.

"Randy, I'm sorry," I whisper. "It's—just complicated."

"I'm not good enough for you?" Randy asks, arching his eyebrow. "Not good enough, huh, Ted?"

"No, it's just that—"

And he punches me hard, and it's the most real, most inerasable thing in my head and I stare at him, confused as he grabs onto my wrist and pushes me towards him and kisses me, hard, harsh, and I suddenly feel too scared to speak as he pushes me towards the bath tub, kissing me again, harder, harsher and I could feel him biting at my lips and fear overtakes me.

After two minutes, he's fallen to the floor and with me on top of me, kissing me, refusing to let me breathe and I feel so breathless as oxygen becomes my only want and need as he strips me and soon, we're both just skin on skin, clothes on the floor and I feel like I'm being raped.

I want Randy.

Just not this one.

I'm becoming scared of Randy.

And I don't want to be.

I stare as he moves up and looks at me, "pretty little Teddybear, I'm sorry." Sorry? After he's finished? I stare at him, he's so perfect and I know it but he's hurt me…now, I'm scared of being with Randy.

Is he going to be like this?

I'm just so very scared.

And as I walk back towards the table, dressed up so messily, while Randy's too neat and seemingly too innocent, I flop down onto the chair and look at my father who's just staring at me. "Anything you need to tell us about?"

"No," I simply say and look down at the door.

I don't want to get yelled at. I don't want to be hurt. I don't—I just don't—I want to just run to my room and stay there forever and I don't want to look at Randy again. I don't think I can never look at Randy again.

When did I turn so fragile?

After dinner, I lock the door and finally let the tears fall, rapidly, no one there to wipe them and pretend like they're nothing…I have my clothes soaking them up, my emotions, as I fall down onto the floor, pressing myself to the wall and my voice's shaky and my body's shivering and I'm so cold…

_"Hey, Ted. I know you're in a coma. But I'm telling you that I won't let anyone hurt you, how do you feel, Ted? I know I'm going mental. Talking to a coma patient but I have a feeling that you can hear me…if you can hear me, Ted, I'm not going to let anyone do anything to you…"_

I look down at my feet and shake my head. So many things have happened. I don't want him to know about it. I don't want him to know that I suddenly know how eighteen year old Randy Orton looks like without his clothes on. It's confusing me…but it feels so real. It's like a drug addict that's trying to retain his drug addiction…this is as real as that. But I know it's not. I—I'm just so—confused. So scared. So sleepy—so terrified—so—

I fall asleep before I can even finish my thought.

_I'm just so trapped._

_Do I deserve this?_  
November, 10, 2009  
**Bleed**

I wake up.

And fall asleep.

And wake up.

And fall asleep.

In and out of consciousness. In and out of unconsciousness. It's like a repeated pattern. My father walks into the room, I'm still sixteen and I'm still wondering what happened when I was a child that was enough to break me…when I was born…? I look down at the ring, it's still a soft blue color, and then it deepens blue.

I guess I need it to be a truly soft blue so I can go back there.

I stand up and look around and have my mother walk towards me all of a sudden, touching my shoulders and I flinch, staring at her. I don't trust anyone anymore. Randy…the person that I've lived with, the person I've practically trusted all my life, had just raped me last night. I don't think I can trust anyone after this.

Even if it's not real.

It just feels too real. I can't push it away. Last night hurt me more than Richards can ever could, having him do that to me, having him take my confidence away and having him do that to me—it just plain hurts.

"Theodore?" she asks, suddenly aware of my cautiousness.

"Y-y-yeah?" I stutter.

"Ted, what's going on?" she asks me, coming towards me and scooping me to her arms, but I shake at the sudden touch. I don't want anyone touching me. I'm just too terrified. I'm just too horrified.

"It's nothing!" I explain. "Nothing at all…"

"I'm worried about you," she says. "You haven't been like this in a while."

I nod my head. "I just want to be alone."

She stares at me, "are you—?"

"Just leave me alone!" I exclaim and she steps back, jumping in alert as she steps away and nods her head, tears brimming in her face… my mother's always been too sensitive and I guess I made her feel worthless so it hurts me seeing her this way, the woman who's gave me life… "I'm sorry."

She walks away without me saying another word.

I shut the door and hit my head to the wall, once, twice, three times and then smelling the blood running down the back of my head, so very rapidly and it hurts so very much and I feel myself drift off…too much pain…

_They make me feel like I do…_

_Why do I deserve this?_  
November, 11, 2009

When I wake up, I'm back at the hospital, the scene where I left off—I'm standing here, in my sixteen year old body and I'm staring at my birth and then, there I am, too silent… the doctor stares at me, the little baby tucked inside of my mother's arms, wondering if there's anything wrong with me and then there are silent tears running down my face, staring at them, no word from my mouth at all, no scream, no nothing…

"Can I see this child? He's obviously not well."

They scoop me up and hold their hand to my head, "he's burning up very quickly. He has a fever and being just born and unexposed to anything, I'll see through this problem."

I follow them, confused and I see as they take me in their hands, me too silent, so very silent, and the silence, it's too deafening and I feel like I can't talk at all and I feel like I'm not meant to say a word at all.

I walk away to the room where my father and mother are, holding onto each other, looking so scared for me, and I wonder what they're scared for? I'm a shameful little piece of nothing. They expected more from me. I know that they expected some sort of champion coming out, someone who was truly priceless, but I've been refusing to let myself know that. That I'm just a cheap piece of pretty meat that everyone wants to touch and sleep with. To them, I'm not supposed to have a mouth that can talk, just a mouth that could suck.

I'm not supposed to talk. I'm not supposed to cry. I'm just supposed to do one thing in my life; just be what I'm supposed to be. A pretty little piece of meat. From Richards, to Randy, to—who knows? I know that these two people who I've trusted so well just see me as that and now, I only feel as that.

I hear the doctors as they walk inside of the room, with me in their arms, "we need to give Theodore a blood transfusion."

My mother gasps and my father stares so blankly, so emotionlessly. "Apparently, his blood level's too low because as I've told you, you haven't been eating enough during your pregnancy. Theodore's body doesn't have enough dosage of blood because you didn't at that once point. We need to give him a transfusion. We're keeping him in the ICU."

Intensive care unit? I stare at this. I've never seen this before. My head spins. My head burns. I feel like I'm dying. There was something wrong from me from the start. I should've just given up life then.

"ICU? He's so young." My mother interjects.

"We know, but we can't risk it. He's very sick to have his blood level so down at this age. But we have no other choice. We can find a blood donor easily."

My mother buries her head into my father's chest, sobbing, and I can only stare. My mother's so very hurt. I know I'll live but it still hurts to see her this way. I don't want to stay here anymore. I don't want to watch her suffer. But when I look back at my father, still so very blank and emotionless, like he doesn't care if I live or die.

"Can you at least pretend to be sad?" I ask him and he looks up at me with a shocked expression even though I forgot that he could listen.

"No, I can't. What's your problem? Why the hell are you here?" he snaps at me. "He's my child. I don't need to be sad for him. I need to be strong for him."

"Like you care if he lives or dies," I suddenly let my thoughts roll off my tongue and I don't want to start a fight. "You hit him because he's gay! You pushed him around senselessly for years and all for what? Because he's gay?"

"Who the hell are you?" he snaps at me.

"I'm your son," I step towards him. "In an impossible to explain way, I'm Theodore Marvin DiBiase Jr."

"You're joking, right?" he asks me.

"No," I snap at him.

"Ted—"my mother starts, trying to calm him down but he stares at her in a 'just let me handle it' look and she shuts up right away and he stares back at me, holding me by my wrist and staring at me, eye to eye.

"You are not my son," he stares at me.

I lift my shirt so that he can see that red birthmark that had been there since birth and as Ted inspects it, "Ted?" he asks me. "Good, so we'll know he'll be alive."

"You're a jerk." I suddenly say and I realize that I've said it to my father and I feel like a jerk right now but the words still slip off my tongue, so very horridly, 'you're a jerk for not taking care of me right. You're a jerk for not accepting me because I'm gay. You're just a jerk."

"You're gay?!" he snaps at me. "My son is not gay!"

"I am…" I whisper, feeling slightly scared and this is the very thing I tried to avoid that night, and I look down, with tears leaking out of my eyes.

"And he's not weak either!" he shoves me towards the wall. "I don't want you around anymore."

My mother suddenly realizes the seriousness in his eyes and tries to jump but the pain of childbirth had kept her suddenly wobbly and unable to walk and as my father runs out to the ICU, I stare with confusion as she walks towards me and hugs me, running her fingers through my hair. "Oh, Teddy, I'm just glad you're going to be alive—is this a sign from God that you're going to be fine? So that we won't worry or do anything drastic?"

"Yeah," I lie and I hate lying to her. She's the only one that's been good to me while I grew up and I kicked her out of my room yesterday. Why am I losing everyone I ever cared about? Why am I still there when I don't deserve to be?

Then we suddenly realize that dad can be anywhere and we're scared of the safety of—me? I'm just scared for the safety of my mother's health and we run towards the ICU, seeing my father there, holding a scalpel in his hand, looking at me and then even though I know it wasn't true, just a nightmare, he doses the scalpel deep inside of my chest, making me bleed, and there I am, eyes shut tight…

"Ted! Ted! No! Please…" she runs towards my body and stares at it, holding me close to her eyes, crying heavily. "My Teddybear's dead…"

I step back, seeing the animalistic passion in my father's eyes and staring at my corpse, little, too little, but I guess I deserve it. I said I didn't want to be alive. But I'm still here, still watching and with eyes that bleed pain, I look at my corpse again, just staring, just too scared, just too convincing, knowing that my father would've killed me that night if the Orton's weren't there.

I bit my lower lip, feeling more broken than ever, more suicidal than ever and I look down at my ring, as it flashes black.

_There's no one in the world that can make me feel whole again._

_Was I ever whole?_  
November, 12, 2009

I finally wake up from this coma, and I'm all alone.

The doctors all look at me, sad for me.

"Should I ring your friends?" a nurse asks me and all I can do is shake my head and all I want to do is cry and tell them how much I miss them. I want both of them, right here. My Cody. My Randy. But part of me just doesn't want to see Randy of all people, just too scared.

I try telling myself: those nightmares are not true.

But I feel like they are.

I sit down and they're afraid I might go back into a coma. Part of me knows that I'll go back into the coma. I look down and find that the ring is stuck on my finger, deeply, jet black, and I know what that means. My thoughts of suicide. My thoughts of complete and utter suicide. They're of this time of my life. This time of disaster.

If I feel a little bit more hopeful, I know I'll go back to my coma. I want to be treated. I want to be human enough to live my own life without worrying about my emotions. I miss them. I really miss them.

I look at my doctor, they're just so very sad that this happens to someone like me. I know one of them; one of them is there when I was born. "Was I really born all wrong? With a need for a blood transfusion?"

The doctor slowly nods his head. "Yes, Theodore," he says. "Your mother was awfully sad. I don't like your father though."

"My dad's dead," I finally say even though all I can remember is that horrid scene, my dad, a swift killer, plunging the knife deep into my stomach—and all I want to do is cry all over again. But I don't.

He looks sorrowful for me. "Your anorexia is just a symptom."

"Symptom?" all that torture, all that restraining myself not to eat—it's just a symptom? Suddenly, my stomach flips and my head pounds and I feel too sick to be alive. "Symptom of what?"

"You have chronic hepatitis C. From the blood transfusions you'd been taking for the course of six years. This shows up after 10 to 20 years…" there's just something so very wrong with me. I nod my head. "We need to fix your brain."

"I know," I whisper, so very lightly.

And I watch him walk away.

I don't fall asleep that night.

I'm afraid I'll wake up back into my shattered, horrifying memories.

_No, just too many pieces._

_I need to break free._  
November, 13, 2009

Randy and Cody finally visit me.

I'm scared to death around them. It's like they're not even my friends anymore. It's like I've seen Cody for the first time. And Randy—all I remember is the rape, all I remember is his hands on me, all I remember is his tongue exploring me and not caring if he hurts me or not, it just hurts.

"Ted? Are you okay?"

I shake even though I don't want to and I feel Randy lean down towards me, holding my shoulder, but all I can feel is fear rising up through me. "Don't touch me!" I exclaim, having tears spring through my eyes.

"Ted?" Randy asks again, softly, touching my face and the tears are burning to my face, hurting me, pain burning and exploding. "Teddybear?"

I can't look at his eyes. I just can't. I close my eyes. It's just so vivid and clear and I feel him holding onto me, "oh, Ted, are you okay?"

"I want to die!" I exclaim, feeling my thoughts roll off my tongue.

"Is this because of your father?" he asks me, holding onto me, trying to calm me down and all I want to die, so very horribly, remembering the flashes—my father, the scalpel, the blood, it just hurts—and Randy's arms around me, squeezing the life out of me, and Cody's right in front of me, so very scared, holding onto my face.

"Let him die! I don't care!"

So much pain…and my eyes are too bloodshot—and I scream like Hell, scream so very loudly. "Get off me, Randy!"

I look down at my lap, feeling him get off and Cody's hand grip onto his shoulder and I feel the tears running down my cheeks again. Burning me. Exploding me. "I'm sorry, Randy…I'm sorry, Cody…it's just that I'm so confused…I'm so very confused."

"What happened, Ted? When you were gone?" Randy asks.

"Nothing…just being tortured, just being raped…"

"WHAT?!"

_From myself._

**This is not one chapter. This is a million chapters all sewed together or something.**

**;) Sam**


	12. Feeling Fright

**This is not one chapter. I swear.**

**When did Alone get big chappies?**

Chapter 11  
Feeling Fright

_So beautiful…so dead…_  
November, 13, 2009  
**And**

I'm so dead inside.

I can't breathe. I want to breathe. I can't look at myself anymore. I can't believe what I've told them—that I've been tortured, that I've been raped, and the smoothness of my words, sleek and flat and soft and silky—it's like it's nothing and it's like I can't breathe and it's like I can't see and I feel so very hurt and I'm burning so badly on the inside and my body's all burning fire exploding through my body, igniting, horribly igniting—and—oh—I want—I'm just too hurt—and I'm just too confused and too blazing into pain. I want to be numb. I want to be completely and utterly numb.

"Say that again, Ted," Randy's threatening me to.

I look back at him, with tears threatening to fall from my eyes and all I can do is shake my head.

"Did it really happen?" he asks, and Cody's standing there, so very shocked, with eyes so wide, and a pale face and he looks so dead and I wonder why he's not in a casket and my head—it's so very confused hurt exploding with confusion—and I don't know what to do I don't think I can do anything… "Did it really happen, Ted?" his voice's slightly loud with laced anger, pulsing horrid hot anger swirling at the tip of his tongue, so elastically and so naturally.

"No," I whisper. "No, it didn't." Tears are brimming in my eyes and all I can do is try to think of an excuse, and I feel like I'm choking suffocating completely on the inside because I can't even be honest with him and I'm still so very scared of him.

"Ted, why'd you say something like that?" Randy's voice's laced now with concern, faded anger, and he leans down, grabbing onto my chin and making me look at him—_how he pushed inside of me, those eyes so greedily staring at me, that mouth exploring all of me, those teeth biting my neck, his head brushing against my chest, his hot body pressing against my cold one_—and I feel myself start to lose oxygen from my lungs, completely lose oxygen, and I don't think I can breathe anymore as Randy's hands grab onto my arms, holding onto me.

"It's—you don't care about me," the words are slipping out and I don't know if I mean them or if I don't. "All you care about is yourself, Randy." It's the vivid images that are springing to life in my head. It's the vivid images that are banging in and out of my head, making me feel so vulnerable, so scared of him, so aware of every touch, every breath, he takes and it's all filled with pain.

I don't think I can take it anymore.

The doctor walks inside and all I can feel is Randy looking down at me, his mouth just inches away from my ear—_his mouth pressing against my ear, biting that sensitive spot on my earlobe_—I'm just so sorry. I want to hold onto him. I want to cry. I want to die. I want to fray away into nothing and nothing at all.

The doctor throws the clipboard down and Randy kisses my forehead so I jump up, falling down onto the floor, having Randy lean down towards me, oxygen battling to get into my lungs as Randy's hand wraps around my waist, and he pulls me to him, all I can do is stare at him, closing my eyes, shut tight.

"Please, don't hurt me," I whisper to Randy.

Randy's hand squeezes to me harder and the doctor takes the clipboard from the bed, making Randy look at it, "his blood charts. I need another transfusion to give him." Transfusions? I shudder, remembering the death scene, remembering my father jamming the knife inside of my body—flapping the knife deep inside of my body, flesh deep with blood, thick and sticky—

"I can't read it." I whisper against Randy's ear.

"What do you mean, Teddy?" his voice's sweet, so very sweet.

"I can't freaking read it! I can't read!" my eyes blur with tears because I'm so disabled. "It's like my mind can't process the words. When I try to read them, I can't! I can't, Randy! I'm so… so damn disabled…"

"Don't think that—"Randy starts but I cut him off.

"Randy! Look at me!" I look down at feel the tears run down my cheeks, so rapidly, so painfully. "Look at me…"

"I'm looking."

"What do you see?"

"A beautiful boy."

I look back at him, to see the seriousness in his face and I jump slightly, seeing him but only feeling the pain of it all rush through me, hit me so hard that I fall down, I fall down and feel like there's something breaking inside of me, something breaking with a knife. "Where is he?" I ask him.

"Here," he says, looking deep into my eyes.

"Where?" I whisper.

His hand lifts my chin and kisses me, sweet and chaste and all I can do is let the tears fall down harder.

"Ted…? Teddy? I'm sorry for kissing you. I'm sorry."

"Stop touching me," I say, shaking my body, trembling, feeling pain inside of me, feeling pain ripping inside of me, feeling it slice through my heart, blood seeping through it. "Stop touching me, Randy! I'm serious."

"Are you that scared of me?" he asks, hurt.

I nod my head, letting the tears fall down as hard as they could and when I try to stop them, they just burn right through my skin, defusing inside of me.

"I'm sorry…"

"There has to be a problem. You were never scared of me before, Ted."

"I know," the tears are dry and my face feels sticky and all I can do is hope that Randy just doesn't think less of me at all. I stand up, walk towards my bed and sit back up, trying to register the thought—I can't read. I had been raped in real life and I had been raped in my head. By my best friend. I can't breathe. I can't think. I'm just not human—I don't feel like it.

I fall asleep, hearing Randy's breaths from where he sits down.

_It all hurts…_

_Too much pain…_  
November, 14, 2009

"_He can't be back in a coma!"_

"_Sadly, he is."_

I stare down at my ring.

It's now a beige color.

I stare at it. I've never had something so tiny and so very fragile control my mind. I try to slip it off my fingers and it easily comes off and I just hope that I don't lose it. If I do, I'll never be able to know if I'll go back to Randy or if I don't and if I break it—does that mean I break my memories, too?

"_Like we've told you, loss of blood, half of brain barely working, he slips in and out of consciousness."_

"_But-but that's not fair!"_

"_Life isn't fair, Mr. Orton."_

I walk around school and I find eyes staring at me, angry and hateful as I feel two hands go behind my back and press me against the body and my head spins and I'm just scared it's Randy and my question is answered as I feel two warm lips kiss my neck, and head towards my back.

"I…Randy…"

"Break it up!" he hears a few teachers say so Randy gives them a glare and takes me by my hand to push me inside of the closet, pushing me towards the wall and kissing me, pushing me as hard as he could.

"Randy, stop."

"I won't. I love you too much."

I can't believe it.

I won't believe it.

"I know you're losing everyone, Teddy. Do you want to lose me, too?" It's the way he knows how my brain works. It scares me half to death and as he kisses me, running his hand down my back.

"No," I manage to whimper out of my mouth.

"Good then…" he says, reaching for my pants but I kick him inside and he looks at me, almost murderously, and he throws me towards the floor, and between his kicks and his threats, I don't think I can hear anything and as I stare up at him, feeling like I'm going to cry, I bury my head into his shoulders.

I've never been so scared of him in my life.

It's like having your best friend betray you.

It's that way, isn't it?

Randy takes me into his arms, after demanding me to dress up and after he did, as if nothing's ever happened and helps me to my feet, grabbing onto my hand and dragging me outside, I stare out into the empty school—how long were we in the closet? My head spins quickly as he holds onto it, hard and harsh, forcing me to walk with him to his car and when we had, he'd thrown me to the seat and starts to drive off and I don't care where he's taking me.

But when I realize it's my house, my heart sinks into my chest.

Tears threaten to pool out of my eyes.

My body aches all over.

I can't breathe.

I can't see anything.

Everything's too gray.

Everything's too black.

I can't speak without thinking of the grayness and I can't breathe at all and even if I can breathe, I'm still dying on the inside.

I don't know how a corpse can live.

But I'm proof.

When I walk inside of my house, my mother acts concerned when she's really angry and I know it all too well and I just want to crawl under my bed and stay there forever and feel empty there forever.

"Theodore? Were in hell's name were you?"

I twist my head to look at her clearly. "Mother…go fuck yourself."

And that's all it takes for her to hit me, slap me so hard that I think that snot threatened to flow out of my nose and I stare at her as she shoots me an angry, annoyed look. "I'm sick of you, Theodore Marvin DiBiase!"

"You think I'm not?" I spit out angrily.

It's the scent that's flowing through my head.

The sting that stays on my face.

I can't believe that my mother's done this to me.

I can't believe that I said those words to her.

"Sick of what, Theodore!?"

"Sick of this," I say, motioning to myself. "I deserve to be dead, don't I?"

"Yes, you do!" she says and then as she realizes what she's said, her eyes soften but I know those words hurt me more than they could ever hurt her for saying them and I make a run to go upstairs but she grabs onto my wrist halfway up the stairs and I find myself falling onto the first step, blood running from the back of my head, horror reels in through my mother's eyes and all I can do is stare at her.

"Oh, Theodore…I'm sorry…"

She leans down towards me, holding my neck, and kissing my forehead, feeling the blood that's soaked her fingers, "do you need a doctor?"

"No. Let me bleed. You said I deserved to die."

Her eyes look hurt but I think I'm more hurt on the inside. Having my own mother agree to this—it's just too sickening.

I stand up before she can do anything else, letting the last trail of blood run to my t-shirt, sticking to it and I make an attempt to walk upstairs—mother doesn't stop me and as I shut the door, I slide down to my knees.

Feeling pain slosh through my stomach.

It just hurts.

It just freaking hurts.

So much.

I can't breathe.

I can't take another breath.

Why is there so much pain in the world?

_Too much death._

_It pains me._  
November, 15, 2009

I feel insane.

I am insane.

I find myself, standing in the sink by the door, having no one being here and running my hand towards my pocket, grabbing onto the razor that's inside of it and look at it, eying the razor.

I let the razor slide towards my wrist.

Isn't anyone going to save me?

Like in all the cliché love stories and even in the horror movies?

Isn't anyone going to hold onto me?

Isn't anyone going to miss little ole' Teddy?

I let the razor slowly slide.

My veins throb in protest.

I hear the sound of the boy's bathroom door opening wide and Randy's dangerous eyes staring at me, as he walks towards me, holding onto my hand, making me stop in place and having his breath on my neck.

"R-Randy?"

"You're crazy, aren't you, DiBiase?" he asks me, sickly sweet.

Nausea rolls through my stomach.

Badly.

I feel like I'm burning.

"Just a little bit…" I insist.

He takes the razor and slides it towards my wrist, harsh and hard, a painful jerk that makes me press towards his stomach. "You're beautiful when you're in pain." He tells me and my head spins as it wraps around those words.

He hates me.

I'm just his tool.

I'm just his toy.

How would I feel staring into the eyes of the real Randy now, knowing that all I can see is the demon of his past? I don't know. I can't tell. I'm suddenly too scared to know. Randy's hand runs towards my wrist, harsher, harder, a surge of pain shuffling through my body, I feel like I'm water and he's trying to hold onto something that's going to eventually slip away from his grasp.

His breath on my ear.

"You wanted this."

I realize that he's right but I never want it from him.

It just hurts.

I look into his eyes, 'aren't you the one who wanted to die, DiBiase?"

"I…" I look down to my feet and nod my head, slow and quick. "Yes, yes, I wanted it. I want it so much, Randy…"

He lets the razor slide towards my stomach and he drops it when he hears the sound of the bathroom door clicking open and I bend forward to grab onto my razor, seeing the horror in the teenager's eyes as Randy grips onto my hand and I grip onto the razor in my other hand.

Randy pulls me out and I stare.

I stare down.

My wrists are bleeding so badly.

It hurts so bad.

I want to die.

I really want to die.

I think about it all the time.

I think about dying every day.

But dying—isn't the same as being dead.

Because I'm dying.

And I'm waiting to be dead.

I stand by my house and I should walk inside, I tell myself but I don't and I walk towards the backyard and stay there, leaning towards the grass and resting my head on it, though I feel the little blades prick through my flesh and it's so cold outside and as night falls, I'm still trying to get to sleep but I can't.

"_You mean it?"_

"_Yes."_

Mean what? My head's pounding.

"_We do need to know Theodore's thoughts and his memories so we can help him through his treatment. This is just the device."_

"_You hear that, Ted?"_ his voice's close. He must be whispering it in my ear. _"I'm going to help you, little buddy."_

All I could think about is…how I can change this?

I don't want to be here.

I don't think I can last here.

Without having the Randy from this world mangle me.

Without having the Randy from that world feel too sorry for little ole' Teddy, who can't do anything to even change his thoughts.

I can't control anything anymore.

I'm so out of control.

I need control.

I need it so very much.

_To see them like this._

_It pains me._  
November, 16, 2009  
**I**

I stretch out and hold onto my neck.

I'm wondering if Randy's watching this. If even the damn doctor's watching this. I can't even keep my thoughts to myself. I look back down onto the ring in my finger, beige…beige is hazy.

Am I in an unclear world right now?

Because nothing seems to make sense anymore.

I stand up, feeling like I'm going to fall back down again, my eyes catch towards my mother's, "you slept outside?"

I can't deny it. I nod my head.

"Why?"

"I…I just did."

"School called." She says, with a dull tone in her voice. "Why would you cut yourself in the bathroom?" her eyes are on my scarred wrists.

My head pounds.

If they could hear that…

I look down at my wrists, purple being there instead of my normal skin and I take a deep breath.

"_Ted…?" _

It's Randy's voice that shocks me.

He's watching me?

I look away, trying to run off, scurry off towards school and looking back at my hurt mother's face, "bye, Theodore."

"Goodbye."

I know what's in her eyes.

She doesn't know if I'd just kill myself right now.

Before I can walk away, her hand goes to my wrist and she pulls me so that she's eye level with me, "because don't hurt yourself, Theodore."

"You said I deserved to die."

I can almost feel her heart jump.

Her eyes brim with tears. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't take it back," I respond, walking it away, pushing my hands into my pocket and looking down, hearing the sounds of a familiar car driving by makes my heart flip in my chest as I stare towards the owner of the car.

"Bad day, Teddy?" Randy asks me.

"Leave me alone, Randy."

"That anyone to talk to me?" he asks, his eyes turning dark and my heart feels like a knife's been thrown at it, blood all over, and I'm sure I look more fearful than ever. Can Randy see this? Did he take a break? I'm just scared that he's watching this. I don't want him to. I don't have any place to hide my thoughts away.

I can't let him see this.

See me like this.

Weak and fragile Teddy.

I'd rather die than have him see me like this, this weak, this fragile, this scared…I'd seriously rather die.

I watch as he steps out, his hand snakes to mine, letting me walk towards the other side of his car, and almost throwing me inside, he goes to the other side, running his hand through his brown hair, batting his eyelashes.

"Randy?"

"Oh, shut up."

I look back at the window. Almost expecting this of him.

"_Did I just say that…?"_

"_I think you just did."_

"Where are we going?"

"You let me drive and I'll tell you." His voice's softer now, making me feel secure inside knowing that at least he's not too devilish.

I just hope that he wouldn't try and rape me again.

I don't want them to see that.

I don't want them to have their eyes set onto me screaming, maybe I won't scream, maybe I'll like it…

As he stops by his house, my hearts stops to my chest.

I'm not ready to do this. I can't fake not feeling pain. I can't fake being emotionless. I can't fake liking this.

I follow Randy because I know if I didn't, he'd punch me or something and ask me why. I don't want Randy to know that I can hear him. His voice's the only piece of sanity left in me and his voice doesn't even belong to me.

I walk inside of his house, lying down and letting my head fall down to my shoulder, then seeing him walk inside with a smirk on his face and my heart sloshes with acid, burning, burning as if it's set on fire. "My parents aren't home." He says, shrugging his shoulder. His father—I know. With mine probably. His mother—out? And his siblings are out so this house is empty.

And I'm empty, too.

It doesn't take even a moment for Randy to attack me. Clothes on the floor in less than a second, blood pouring, tears falling, pain burning, my head feels like it's going to explode, my heart threatens to burst off my chest and I can't pretend to like it, it's too painful, it's too much…

I just face the facts.

Screaming.

Begging him to stop.

Those words just flow out of my mouth.

When he's done, he leaves me alone to collect myself. And I don't hear anything from Randy. I think he might've turned off the device or something.

"_Did…did I do that?!"_

"_In Ted's memory, yes."_

"_I can't—oh my—"_

"_Calm down, Mr. Orton."_

"_How can I calm down? Did you see what I just did?! I raped Teddy!"_

"_You didn't really do it."_

"_No wonder Ted can't look at me, I bring him too much pain."_

It's how his voice is—laced with shock, laced with horror, laced with so much paint that it hurts me, too.

I watch as Randy comes back and my heart flops in my chest as he grabs onto my hands, forcing me to stand up.

"Let's go out today."

"Parents gone for a while?"

"Yes."

"Your—?"

"I'm all free."

Part of me doesn't want to spend time with him but I nod my head slowly, from fear of what he'd do to me if we're not together and as he takes me outside, holding onto my arm, pressing me to him like we're all love and life but pretending is not a game I can play so easily.

Fog is in my eyes.

I'm so depressed.

I walk around and he stops by near an alley. I know that he can't be serious. I know that if he wanted to rape me, he wouldn't do it here in all of places. Relief floods through me when he lets go of my hand and comes near me, holding onto a piece of glass on the ground and when he looks up at me, there's a smirk on his face.

My heart thuds.

Hard.

So hard.

What's he doing?

When I turn around, there are a group of bulky men and my head's swirling with thoughts. "Get me out of here! Put me into some other memory…please?" I whimper, feeling my throat crack and my head pound. "I don't need this! I—"I feel Randy's hand cup towards my mouth.

"Oh, look at the pretty little thing."

That's all I am. A pretty little thing that everyone likes to play with.

Randy…?

I feel the piece of glass go to my throat, and they stare at him, smirking with him—he's with them?! He's really betrayed me. He's gone too far and all I can feel is his relaxed body against mine.

"Can't let you go to the police, Teddy."

Because of the rape? I won't! I won't…Randy…

The words are going to roll away from my mouth but they don't.

"I want you to die…" Randy whispers in my ear.

And the piece of glass presses to my throat.

Laughter.

All I hear and see is laughter.

Laughter.

Too much…

The piece of glass slits towards my throat, too much.

"You wanted to die, Ted."

I try to speak out but I find myself coughing and choking on my own blood. It's all black as I fall down.

"_TED!"_

"_Teddy!"_

Randy.

Cody.

It's so scary.

It's so vague.

They're so unreal.

It's all black.

I hear the sound of beeping.

Oh great, God.

Is my heart racing?

Am I—?

_To breathe like this._

_It pains me._  
November, 17, 2009

My eyes are fluttering open.

Too bright.

The white colors are too bright.

Randy's hands hold me before I can do anything and my eyes are threatening to pop out, having him so close.

"Oh, Ted…I had no idea…"

He's sobbing.

He's scared.

I'm scared too.

Why'd I do this to them?

Why's he so scared?

I can't understand.

I don't understand.

It's like my brain's frying.

I can't process the images around me.

"Theodore?" My doctor asks me. "Are you okay? You look…very confused."

"Why am I here?" I manage to choke out. "Randy killed me…"

I'm sure I'm dead.

Or am I?

Just confused.

Just so very confused.

I can't understand anything anymore.

"Ted…" It's Cody's voice that breaks my thoughts.

"I don't know how to think…"

Is it possible?

Is it impossible?

I don't think I can process my thoughts at all.

Randy steps back, trying to contain himself from sobbing and Cody, Cody's just silent, just speechless, with tears running down his face.

"Get him some food or something."

I haven't eaten in a while.

I don't want to.

But when the food really comes, my stomach sloshes and the voices in my head are screaming against it. "I don't need it. I have IV."

"Part of getting you into a normal life again," the doctor suggests.

"I don't have a normal life. I'm living in a hospital." I tell him, spitting my words out like acid.

"Do you want to stay in the hospital forever?"

"Might as well."

Since I'll always have something wrong with me.

Something inside that'll haunt me.

Tear me.

Into pieces.

_To break them._

_It hurts me._  
November, 18, 2009

I don't know.

I'm dead, right?

Randy killed me, right?

That seems to be the only thing I can remember. I hold onto Randy's shoulder, bringing him close to my body but all I can see is how his eyes want to tear up into pieces.

"Did you kill me?"

"It was a nightmare."

"Promise?"

Randy nods his head and he notices—and so do I—that I've lost my ability to trust and confide in people. What else did I lose? What else am I going to lose?

I feel Randy's lips press against my forehead.

"You're safe now."

The doctor breaks our reunited time, "I made sure Theodore's condition is stable for the next—few weeks."

Randy smiles as he hugs onto me.

He's just happy that I'm going to stay with him.

I don't know if it's the same for me.

I'm just so confused.

Bits and bits of nothing clustered in my head.

I don't feel like I have a past.

I don't feel like I need a past.

Do I?

I grab onto Randy's face, "make me have memories again."

And before I can say anything else, he presses his lips to mine and part of me knows that I would've kissed him back but it's the horror of those memories/nightmares that bring me back to reality—the touches, the shock, the-the death—

I spin out of control and push Randy away.

"No!"

Randy's eyes turn sympathetic when he realizes the pain that's in my eyes because I can feel it. I can feel the horror that's exploding in my head and body. I can feel it so very well. And it hurts too much.

So very much.

"I'm sorry, Randy."

"It's not your fault, Teddy."

I let the facts sink in.

It really is my fault.

But I don't say anything else.

_To see him die inside._

_I'm scared…_  
November, 19, 2009  
**Breathe**

Cody and I spend time together since we haven't in such a long, long time and he's my best friend, Randy decides, and leaves me alone with him.

Cody's silent.

I'm silent.

Our eyes speak more than words can.

"I'm sorry-"

"I'm sorry-"

The same thought breaks off at the same time.

"I'm scared of him. Terrified."

"Randy?"

"Yes. Shouldn't you be terrified, too?"

Cody bobs his head to the side. "Teddy, you're not thinking right."

"I don't think right ever!" I exclaim. "My head's all messed up. I'm all messed up. I might as well live forever like this…"

"No, Ted." Cody walks towards me, holding onto my shoulder. "You're not messed up. I like you in every way. Because you're Ted."

"And I like you," I decide. "Because you're Cody."

We share a hug and I see him, tears springing to his eyes, as he backs away and sit down onto the chair, holding onto my hand. "I'll pray for you."

I nod my head, wiping the tears off Cody's face.

"I can't handle seeing you this way, Teddy."

"I can't handle having you break."

Cody smiles, a cracked one, but he's still trying to lighten to mood around us as he brings my head to his head and he prays. His turquoise yes concentrated and his soft, inaudible words fill the air.

I don't listen.

I just stare at him.

It's like I'm dying.

Am I dying?

_I'm not breathing but I'm not dead._

_I'm not breathing at all…_  
November, 20, 2009

Color class. Take two.

Black.

Splatters across the world.

Red.

Burns in my brain.

Pink.

Lost color.

Blue.

Color of Randy's last shirt before the piece of glass cuts.

Green.

Dulled and broken. Never seen again.

Orange.

It's a vague memory.

Yellow.

I'm searching for sunshine.

Gold.

I'm not priceless anymore.

Gray.

The skies are gray.

White.

A flash of white.

As I snap back into reality. This is too familiar. Not falling asleep at night. I want my memories back.

_Can you kill me?_

**18 pages?**

**Whoa. 'Alone' really loves long chapters. :P Review for the immense chapter I made. Lol.**

**;) Sam**


	13. Fearful Fight

**I swore to my heart that I will not make Randy kiss Ted in this one but it got me this feeling and I just had to do it! I always follow that feeling for some reason. These chapters just get bigger and bigger or something?**

Chapter 12  
Fearful Fight

_Thoughts of past_  
November, 21, 2009  
**I**

"He needs to walk around. Needs to be to places he's been before. He needs to remember," the doctor orders of Randy who only nods his head and digests all this information as it flows to his brain, soft and sweetly, Cody's staring at me and tries to help me out of bed while I try to steady myself.

Randy takes my hand from there, holding me as he takes me to the bathroom. A blush creeps on my face. "Do I call Cody? Does it make you uncomfortable that I have to make sure you don't get hurt when you strip down?"

I shake my head. "It's okay."

He knows it as well as I do.

It's not okay.

It scares me to think of his body pressing mine.

He holds onto my waist as I try to slip out of my pants, and having him brush against me, my person wall sends a shiver down my spine as I let my pants fall to the ground and Randy massages my hip. "There, there, Teddy. I promise I won't do anything to you," he whispers into my ear.

I nod my head and slip off my underwear, feeling my cheeks go red hot when I do. I grab onto my underwear, which I left on the sink, and wear it silently, trying to forget that Randy Orton's eyes are watching me, possibly wanting me—or is it me liking it? Is it bad to like a rapist?

I think so.

But this Randy seems different.

He holds onto me as I wear my jeans, quick and his hands lift my shirt as I hold onto the sink, his hand goes to the t-shirt and helps me wear it but it smells—it smells like him. Does he carry extra clothes around everywhere? I wonder about these thoughts silently as I feel him press a kiss to my cheek. "You did it, Teddy."

He knows how hard it must be for me.

"Oh just one thing," he slides sunglasses to me. "Now, you're my Teddy."

His Teddy?

I feel him help me out of the bathroom, holding onto my hip as Cody grins and takes my other hand so that I can walk balanced. "Where do we usually head off?"

"It's Saturday," he says. "Usually, this is our relaxing day—so coffee shop, head to the park, then back to the hotel?"

I nod my head. That routine—it sounds familiar.

But at the same time, it doesn't.

As we make our way to the nearest coffee shop, they order and wait for me to order, I stare at Randy, but shake my head. "Not hungry."

"Teddy…please, for me?" Randy almost pouts.

"I'm not hungry, Randy." I whisper to him, almost crying on the inside. I don't want to eat. However this anorexia in me is, it's still there. I'm just plain tired. I sneeze.

"You sick, Ted?"

Cody looks over his phone, "says here that Hepatitis C has flu-like symptoms."

"I hate whatever this Hepatitis thing is," Randy says, lifting my chin. "Maybe we should just take Ted home?"

"No!" I exclaim. "I don't need to go home—I don't have any memories…"

Randy nods his head towards me, patting my shoulder, "we'll go to the park. But we're not staying there for long, understand? Just for a quick smoke for me and you two do what you always do. I don't know."

"Ted, did you get your medication from the doctor?" Cody asks.

I pull out a syringe from my pocket and stare at the liquid. "Yup." I say simply, before Randy takes it from my hand.

"I don't want you with needles. You know how we should never put you around needles. Ever." Randy says.

I shrug my shoulders. "Not even for a minute?" I ask.

"No."

I watch as he slips the needle inside of his bag and kisses my forehead. "Don't hurt yourself, Ted."

I nod my head and look at Cody, who simply gives me a quick smile. As I watch them eat, I can only remember one thing—obsessing. Obsessing over my face and my hair and my eyes and how I look and I remember thinking I'm just too hideous to be alive. I remember… I shake my head enough for Randy and Cody to notice.

"Are you okay, Ted?"

"Yeah," I say, holding onto the waistband of the jeans. "Just big."

"Those are Cody's," Randy suddenly says, stunned to the bone and the book in his eyes tell me everything—I'm not supposed to fit into Cody's jeans, much less feeling as if they're big on me. Randy lifts my chin so that I'm eye to eye to him, "oh, Ted, just one bite for me?"

"Don't you think I'm beautiful now?" I finally say, with tears threatening to burst from my eyes. Doesn't he? Do I really look hideous?

"No, Teddy, it's not that," he says, his eyes fill with emotions that I feel as if they're not supposed to be there, 'it's just that I don't want you to go back into a coma again. I want you to be okay."

"I don't know if I want to be okay, Ran," I say flatly and looks down at the table, placing my hands on top of the table and thinking, just hoping and thinking that I don't have to go back to that horror realm inside of my head, closing my eyes for only a short while. I don't need to go into that darkness at the back of my head.

He holds onto my shoulder, squeezing it.

"You don't think I'm beautiful, just admit it," I finally say, and I feel as if a hundred memories as pacing through my head at once and I find myself holding onto Randy's shoulders and shaking him, "admit it!"

He holds onto me and puts me in place, kissing my forehead once more and trying to calm the dizziness with a bit of coffee, "no. I think you're beautiful in anyway. You are my Teddy and I will take care of you."

Cody smiles at Randy and they both share a quiet moment of silence while Randy tells Cody to inject me with my medicine. Cody grabs onto my hand and leads me to the bathroom and a stall and it's so cramped that I watch as Cody takes off my pants and underwear, taking a deep breath as he pushes the needle to my behind. My stomach twists and my head feels like spinning as I hold onto the door handle because it's the nearest thing ever and for a moment, I feel it jerk off as I fall down towards to the floor with Cody on top of me.

Having this position makes my heart flutter and my brain explode.

Several of men stare at us as Cody stares in shock at them. And my head, it's all broken and shattered with thoughts of what they're thinking of us, of me, of just him, but nothing's out of their mouths as Cody helps me up and I dress myself with nausea rolling through me and my head exploding on the inside.

I feel so disabled.

Needing Cody to help me inject my medication.

I feel so humiliated.

Having those men outside know how I look like with my pants off. It's just embarrassing and as Cody leaves the room, giving me a quick kiss on my forehead, he walks off and asks me if I need help which I say a simple "no" to as I watch him walk off. He knows I need time to just piece together what had happened.

I feel the visions in front of me blur.

I can't believe it.

I take another breath, soft and quick, letting my hand run over my hair, but I feel as if I can't breathe. I don't know why… my heart thuds as I try to take breaths, having trouble, struggling to let oxygen take in my lungs, I finally walk out of the stall, having one of the men wrench me backwards and whispering something in my ear, "aren't you pretty?"

It's that feeling again.

Of being a prostitute.

I stare at him, and I try to move out but I'm too fatigue to notice that he's stronger and nothing I will do can get me out of this as he presses his lips to mine and I try to breathe. That's my only struggle now as he lets go of me. "Something's wrong with this bitch," and I know that already as I bolt out of the room, my body reddening as a standing Randy takes me by my hand and looks at me, "is there anything wrong, Teddy?"

"Me…I—"I swear I feel like I'm crying but I don't want to think that I'm weak.

I am weak.

I just don't want to face the fact.

I bury my head into Randy's chest, feeling his warm skin against mine, I don't know. He feels safe. I feel safe around him but part of me is telling me to just watch my back. After what Randy's done…

I'm just so confused.

What am I?

Who am I?

Will I change tomorrow?

Will these thoughts be the same today? It's just so confusing to me. I watch as Randy grabs my body and carries me. I feel so tiny and little compared to him now. I know that I didn't used to feel tiny. I used to feel strong. Now, I feel and I am weak. A weak little boy that anyone and everyone can play with.

He kisses my forehead, a quick and chaste kiss. "Let's take you to the park. Or do you want to go home?"

I don't want to ruin their afternoon just because I'm too weak.

I've already ruined too much of their lives.

I don't want it to be worse.

I hold onto Randy's t-shirt, clinging to him as he walks me to the park. That man. The way he called me a bitch. As if I belong to him. And the look in his eyes – the look of Richards before he raped me – my brain processes.

The only reason I've imagined Randy raping me is because I had Richards do it to me. That nightmare is in the form of one of my fears. I fear Randy doing the same to me. I'm afraid of Randy turning his back on me like Richards did. As I process this, my insides burn. I feel like a completely reckless person that can't even control my own thoughts and emotions. I want to be loyal.

I don't want to be afraid of Randy.

I don't want any of that.

I want to be in a reality.

Where everything's good.

And nothing's just wrong.

I want it to be that way.

One way or another.

I feel Randy sit on a bench as he strokes my hair. "Aren't you going to smoke?" I ask him and he shakes his head.

"Maybe I've got a new addiction," he says, running his hand through my hair and I know I shouldn't have been afraid but I am. I'm shaking and I'm clutching onto his t-shirt as if I'm begging for mercy.

Cody stares at us from a tree, smiling at me and Randy, but not saying a word as he plays around with a ball, Cody's just like that – playful, childish, even as an adult – and that's why I feel as if he's my little brother.

I don't want to lose him.

I don't want to lose Randy.

It's just so confusing. I'm afraid that I might slip into the blackness again and I might not remember anything. I know I will. I feel as if I will. I hold onto Randy's face, letting my fingers trace along his face and he leans down, too close and my eyes close as I shake even harder.

"Oh, Ted, don't be scared. Please." He begs.

I slowly open one eye before hesitating to open the other. "Ted, I would never hurt you," he promises me.

"I—I'm just scared, Randy. I can't control my fear." It's the truth and I let it slip out of the tip of my tongue. "I want you, but I can't have you. I hate you and I love you. It's just so confusing!"

"Maybe it doesn't have to be confusing," he says, lifting my chin so that we're eye to eye and he kisses me, a soft and chaste kiss, and I hold onto his neck, bringing him closer, looking into those eyes of his, feeling his breath on my face. It's just so confusing. I want him. I really do. But I'm scared. I'm scared more than I can ever imagine.

"Ted…"

He kisses my lips again, making me feel like a solid body only watching him and wanting him but not having him. I know this feeling. I run my hand through his face.

"I swear you're beautiful…"

"You don't have to lie," I say, barely letting my words flow out of my mouth as I press my lips against his again, quick. I don't want those passionate ones. They just remind me of those nightmares I want to get away from so hard.

"You're beautiful. I swear to God you are."

"Oh, Randy…" I say, holding onto his neck harder, pressing his body to mine and suddenly, I don't care where we are. I don't care about who can see us. I don't care about anything anymore.

For the first time in such a long time, everything feels _right_.

And as Randy and Cody take me back to the hotel afterwards, Randy lying me down to the bed, and making a move to walk away but I don't want him to go. I want him to stay with me. I want to hold him. I want him to hold me…

I tug at the dark green sleeve material of his shirt and he looks back at me, smiling a beautiful smile on his pink lips as he leans down towards me, I just love those pink pouty lips and as he starts to walk away, I stop him. "Randy…"

He twists his head. "Yeah?"

"Can you hold me?" I say, putting my hands outstretched for him to walk towards me and when he does, he holds onto my body, kissing my hair, and rubbing my back. Cody walks in to put my stuff and I tell him if he wants to sleep inside of this room too and he shakes his head, inclining before he takes his backpack and goes away. Cody's just too sweet sometimes for his own good.

I stay with Randy here, right beside me, his beautiful body's pressing against mine and even though I know I shouldn't be, I'm completely and utterly afraid that he'll hurt me…though the feel of his skin, pressing against mine, it's so addicting. He puts his mouth close to my ear, "about the park…I'm sorry I lost control like that. I know I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry."

"It-it's okay," I stutter.

"You don't have to pretend that it's okay, Teddy. I know it's not. I saw what I did to you in your nightmares, in your memories, and it just hurts me, Ted. I know you know that I'll never hurt you but—I don't want to bring back old scars. I'll stop until you'll okay." Is that all I can have? Only an hour of feeling that everything's right?

My heart shatters.

Harder.

"Please, no, Randy, I need you around," I whisper, but it comes out so scared that Randy knows what to do as he leaves me alone on my bed and I watch as he walks off, snapping the door shut behind him.

I need him back.

It's around ten o'clock when he left.

It's two o'clock in the morning now.

I'm trying not to fall asleep. I don't want to go back to those confusing dreams. I don't want to think that Randy can hurt me.

I let the razor rip through my wrist.

Blood seeps out.

"Randy…please, come."

No savior. No knight in shining armor. No Randy.

Just me.

"Please…"

The razor falls out of my hand when I feel a surge of pain overtake my wrists and I look back down.

I pretend like there's nothing wrong with my too imperfect body as I slip wristbands around my wrists and lay on the bed, struggling not to fall asleep.

It just hurts knowing that your dreams are always going to be nightmares.

It hurts to know that you can't control anything.

That's why I like to control why I eat.

Because it's the _only_ thing I can control.

_Haunts me._

_I want it back._  
November, 22, 2009  
**Breathe**

The sun sparks through the curtains.

They burn my eyes.

When you try to sleep with your eyes open, you remind yourself every minute that you can't fall asleep and this is what's happening to me right now. The sun's burning through the surfaces of my eyes, sinking to the core and I find myself harshly blinking and I don't even like blinking anymore.

I stand up, holding the table for balance as I look at myself in the mirror.

Red eyed instead of feeling wide awake.

Dull brown hair instead of livid sandy brown.

Grayish flesh instead of peach.

Heart's pouring blood from a cut that's too deep.

I can see this all and I hated what I've seen. I feel Cody's jeans slip off from my waist and I fish for a belt, but the belt doesn't even support the pants anymore as I hear Randy knock on the door. "Decent?"

Doesn't matter.

He knows what I look like naked, doesn't he?

He walks inside when he doesn't hear any response from me and he looks at me, wanting to kiss my forehead but deciding against it and I can see all of this in his eyes. "Ted, Cody and I are going off to the gym."

"I want to, too!" I exclaim, not wanting to feel weak.

Fragile.

Broken.

Frail.

He stares at me with horrified eyes and shakes his head, "you can't stand up straight, Ted." He reminds me.

"I know!" I exclaim, and feel the truth burn inside of me. It just hurts knowing that I can't stand up straight, much less walk and much less exercise. "Can-can I please just watch?"

He stares deep into my eyes before giving in and nodding his head.

"I haven't taken a shower in…" I realize this suddenly when I see the droplets of water running from Randy's hair.

"A shower? Okay, then, Ted," Randy takes my hands as he pushes me upwards. "Like I said. I promise I won't do anything to you. Just help you shower…"

I nod my head as he takes me towards the shower, holding onto my waist as I hold onto his shoulder. It's the scent of water that brings me to life. It reminds me of Richards – at Richards, I can crawl.

But I need to show Randy I'm not scared of him, even if I am truly intimidated. I still feel like I've hurt and broken him too hard.

I watch as Randy opens the shower as he helps me discard my clothes. And our bodies, pressing together as he helps me while I hold on, it's just scary and exciting both at once. It's like I love and hate him all at once. Two opposite things combining each other at once as Randy helps me slip in the shower, and he tries hard not to get drenched but he does anyways and he knows that water can dry off.

I hold onto his neck, having his body press against me as I let the water run down. He holds onto my waist while I hold his neck. I take the bottle of shampoo and conditioner when I need it and massage it to my scalp while Randy grips tight so I don't fall and as the water turns cold, I close the tap and stare at Randy's eyes.

He stares back at mine.

The way our bodies press…

He suddenly leans back and I fall down, hitting my head hard, causing Randy to gasp in terror. "I'm sorry, Teddy. It's just that—I don't think I can handle this," he whispers, leaning down to me, so that we're eye to eye. "I don't think I can handle seeing you like this without wanting to touch you…"

"Please, don't," I whisper, suddenly as scared as ever.

"I won't. I'll call Cody." He promises as I shake my head.

"I can do it by myself."

"No, you can't."

My eyes widen. He'd never given me limits before to what I can and can't do and now that he has, my heart's just jump starting and ready to burst through my chest. I want to cry from horror. I don't want to think that my Randy had said those words of all. I'd always given myself limits but hearing it from Randy hurts more than anything could. Having this person I love and hate and like and dislike, stare at me, and give me limits, it just burns me on the inside with coldness.

After Cody's come in, he had given me a quick shot and help me get dressed and I don't say a word to him about Randy and he doesn't mention it either as I hold onto his shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Cody suddenly asks, puzzled.

"For making you do this. You guys have a life besides mine, and I don't want you all to throw it away just because I can't do anything," Cody's eyes fill with sympathy but before he can say something, Cody hears Randy shout his name and as Cody looks at me. He picks me up and holds me to his chest and I stare in shock.

Cody's never been able to do that before!

My heart thuds into my chest. Am I really that tiny? That weak? Am I? I watch as he takes me and him to Randy and Randy's eyes widen with realized horror. "You can carry him, Randy? Oh shit. Ted, I swear you need to eat something!" I've never seen this ferocity in Randy before.

It's like everything's turned upside for him as he shuts his mouth and takes me from Cody's arms and I'm too scared. So intimidated that Randy's holding me. And I bury my face in his chest, hoping to avoid getting a glimpse of his face.

I'm scared to death of him.

And I know it.

As they go to the gym, Randy lays me on the bench as he orders me not to move and I stare at him as he and Cody start on the treadmill and as I sit up and look around, finding out that they're the only one here right now burns relief right through me. I hear the sounds of Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy's laughter and I twist my head around to see them both standing there, like a couple of maniacs, laughing over something and nothing. Jeff's eyebrow arches as he stares at me.

"Theodore DiBiase?" he asks, walking over to me. "You've changed."

"I know," I whisper, looking back at Randy and Cody who are too busy running to notice and I nod at them.

"And even with this new look, Orton still looks worse," Chris says, implying that I'm hideous. "Seriously, where'd you get that face and body? An operation screwed up or something?"

My heart skips a beat as tears threaten to roll down my eyes.

I know I'm hideous.

It hurts me to hear it.

It hurts me too much to hear it.

I want to say something but my mouth's sewed and my head's spinning dizzily and I look down at my arm, to see a pinkish reddish rash settle there and I wonder—why didn't Randy or Cody say anything about this before?! I suddenly feel as if they're betraying me or something. It just feels that way.

"And Orton…he seriously has a tan overload." Jeff adds on. "DiBiase, he's more of a 'I-never-had-a-meal-in-my-life' overload."

They both laugh as tears roll down my face. Harsh and hard.

"Stop it!"

"What you going to do?"

I stand up and feel myself unbalance all of a sudden as they laugh even harder. "Shut up," I snap at them, feeling the anger boil into my usually empty body and I try to give Jeff a quick cheap shot but he holds onto my hand while I steady myself with the other.

"Want to start a fight, Theodore?" Chris Jericho asks, his eyes twinkling harshly and his mouth looks like it's been bitten.

I don't say anything as they shove me towards where Cody and Randy are, hitting the glass of the wall, and breaking it into pieces; they stop instantly and lean down to see if I'm okay. Randy's eyes are then fixated on Chris Jericho and Jeff Hardy, "you something else to do in your damn time instead of pushing Ted around?"

Chris walks towards Randy, staring into his eyes. "You got anything else to do other than defend him?" He bats his eyelashes and it's all it takes for Randy to start a fight with Jeff and Chris.

I watch as Chris Jericho does a Codebreaker on Randy Orton, which wrenches him backwards while Randy's eyes look coldly at him and he grabs onto the nearest thing near him, Cody's bag, and throws it on his face, knocking Chris on the bench. Jeff walks towards me to help his new "friend" and tries to give him a cheap shot but Randy holds onto Jeff's arm, making Jeff jump and kick him in the stomach by his legs, making Randy land on top of me.

Chris Jericho and Jeff laugh, causing Randy to stand up again and giving them both a quick punch on their guts, making them both hold onto their stomach as Randy punts Chris Jericho and he landed on Jeff, naturally. Jericho stands up while Jeff admits defeat, and walks over to us, leaning down towards me, and whispering words into my ear that I had already known, before Randy surge to give him a quick punch—which Jericho dodged so that he had punched me.

"Oh, Ted," Randy's voice's already apologizing as Chris helps Jeff up and they walk off without another word, but their laughter fills the air. I know I'm not supposed to care what they think of me.

But I do.

And it just hurts.

I don't want them to think that way about me. I don't want to think these things about me. I look down at the floor—another thing I can't control, people's thoughts—and as Randy helps me up, and I just know that I'll never be perfect enough in anyone's eyes and knowing that, just stabs me in the heart, making me bleed.

I know I shouldn't care…

"Ted? Are you okay?"

I simply nod my head.

I'm a bad liar.

"I'm sorry. I swear, I am."

He doesn't know my thoughts and I'm just glad that I can control that—even for just a week or two before they all explode right in front of him. My thoughts. The images that haunt my head…he'll know everything all over again and I'll be too confused to answer, all over again, can I just stay the way I am now?

Broken.

But not shattered.

Suicidal.

Just not committing suicide.

Control freak.

Just not too controlling.

I don't want to go over the edge.

I don't care about dying.

I care about Randy…

As we go back to our hotel room, all of us squished into one, just like old times, with me on a bed, Cody also on one, and Randy on the couch, I should've just told Randy that I have trouble sleeping these days or used another excuse but I don't and I watch them as they sleep, wanting so much to sleep but if I slip in a coma again now, I'll regret it later. I don't want this to happen.

I drink a bottle of Miranda, and watch them asleep, just watch them asleep like some vampire.

I hear Randy's voice.

"Can't sleep?"

Randy walks towards me, sits down on my bed with a blue blanket covering his back and shoulders. "Huh, Ted?"

I shake my head. "No… I'm trying to stay awake."

Randy arches an eyebrow. "How long have you been doing this?"

"From the day I woke up from a coma," I explain, as Randy lifts my chin and looks at me directly. "I'm afraid if I do then…"

"Sleep, Ted."

"No!" I exclaim, throwing the empty can at the floor of the room. I'm too reluctant. I don't want to close my eyes. I want to sleep. Yes, I do. But I don't want to close my eyes. "No, Randy." There's more force in my voice.

"Ted, you're a human being. You need to sleep sometime!"

I shake my head, having the world around me spin. "Not if I can help it."

He doesn't say another word as he goes to the couch and lays on it, staring at me but not long after, he falls asleep. I stare down at the floor, letting my hand glide along the rug and I feel a twig of satisfaction being broken.

I break everything these days.

_Need to remember._

_I'm the only one_  
November, 23, 2009  
**No**

As they wake up in the middle of the morning, Randy stares at me. "Have you slept?"

"No."

I struggle in my sheets, staring at the ceiling and my eyelids are too thick, threatening to close any moment. "Ted. You're forcing yourself to do this for what? Nothing?"

"No more nightmares." I tell him. "I don't want them!"

He holds my back and arches me to his chest, rubbing my back smoothly. "Teddy, please," he says. "Cody and I are going to leave for the gym. You stay here and _sleep_…I promise, nothing's going to happen. You can have control of what you think."

That's what he thinks.

I haven't had control of what I think in so long.

As they leave, I watch at the ceiling.

But I guess Randy wins this one because I can't stay awake any longer. I'm too sleepy. Too tired. Too worn out and exhausted.

I find myself black into the realm with doors.

The ring sparks up into a deadly red color.

_Blood_.

I walk through one of them.

My eyes look around.

Home.

I'm around seven years old. And this is too real to be a nightmare. That door—it's a memory door. I guess.

I take in a deep breath, trying to remember Randy's words—that I can control what I think but I don't feel like I can.

I slip inside of the room, without another word slipping off my tongue and my eyes search the room.

It's my mother's room.

It feels so familiar. But at the same time, I don't even know what I'm doing.

I hear the sound of lightening.

I step inside of the room.

The scents are familiar, too—_too_ familiar.

They remind me of Jeff Hardy.

I walk towards the drawer and open it to where the scent is strongest, and I see syringes and bottles.

Drugs.

My head spins.

It makes scene.

It just does. Doesn't it?

How come I don't remember this…?

How come I remember this right now?!

This is real. I know this scent. I know this room. I know that I was confused when I first saw these. I thought that she was sick.

She really was sick.

Mentally.

It just explains everything.

Slipping in and out of shadows.

Crazy.

Am I the same…?

I snap back into reality, and look around, smiling softly to myself as I hear the click of the hotel room door and Randy and Cody walking inside. "You slept now?" Randy asks, sitting down beside me, holding up a tray of food.

I nod my head.

"Good. Dreamed about anything?"

"Not dreaming. Remembering…" it's too sickening for words to even remember. I don't want to remember that my mother's on drugs but it fits just everything. My horrible childhood, she never abused me or anything, but she always had this 'zone out' look on her face, always crazy eyes, hyped up, same face she had as I was—born? Is that the word?

If she was on drugs when I was born then…

It explains just everything.

The birth defects. The loss of blood. The constant infections.

It explains everything.

I was born to a druggie and a jerk.

Then what am I?

"Really?" Randy's face enlightens. "About us?"

"My mother." I say, and my voice's so dull that Randy and Cody just know it's nothing good as their eyes soften.

"What's it about?" Cody suddenly asks.

"Seven years old, opened her drawer, drugs…" I try to summarize as they piece together my words and their eyes turn sorrowful. "Explains everything. The Hep C, the excessive anorexia, the blood loss when I was born…"

"Blood loss?" Randy repeats.

I nod my head. "Apparently, I was born wrong."

"Don't say that, Ted," Cody says the words before Randy can and I can only shoot him a smile that feels like it means nothing and I look down at the floor, having Randy's hand on my shoulder.

"You sure it was a memory?"

I nod my head, feeling my vision blur from unshed tears.

Randy hugs me, I hold onto him, as he rubs my back as I let it all sink in again but I don't think it can.

Is there a cure for being horrified for the rest of your life?

Is there a cure for heartbreak and desolation?

I don't feel like there is.

I think I know that there isn't.

I have pieces of my past being pushed right in front of me, pieces and pieces, all together, sewed and they're just cutting me.

"I'm sorry you had to remember that, Ted."

"I don't want to go to sleep anymore, Randy! I swear, this happens every time I sleep! Horrible, horrible stuff," I stand up and instantly have Cody balancing me. "I can't even walk!"

It's weird.

If I want to run off.

I have Cody or Randy to it with me.

And the funny thing is even with them, holding onto me, making sure I don't get hurt, I still feel so very alone.

They just don't understand what I'm going through.

They don't know the pain I feel.

The thoughts I've had in my head.

They can't relate to me.

Cody puts me down onto the bed again and I play with the waistband of my jeans again—Cody's jeans—I can't even have my own clothes on me. Too loose. This is becoming too loose, too. I look up at Randy who stares down at me. "If you are going to sleep soon, let's at least take you to get you some new pants, how does that sound, Teddy?"

I nod my head. "Okay." I stand up so that Randy can balance me but he takes me by my waist and pulls me to him. "I don't need to be carried, Randy."

"It's faster this way," Randy says. "And you are getting thinner. God, Ted, my backpack is heavier than you are."

I push the comment aside as he looks at Cody. "Do you need to go anywhere—?" Cody sorrowfully nods his head.

"John Cena, remember?"

"Oh yeah. The match… yeah, you should go ahead." He says and so we're all alone, and he takes in one his backpack, throwing it on his shoulder, and balancing me in one arm is seemingly easy for him. "You now weigh like a teddy bear."

I shrug my shoulders. "I don't feel that different."

"Liar."

"I still feel fat, Randy."

"That's anorexia," he says, sighing and his breath's so close to my ear that it makes my heart jump start.

People are staring.

I don't want them to stare.

It just makes me feel judged.

Too much.

I bury my face into Randy's chest, holding onto his t-shirt, clutching onto him as if he's the last bit of hope in my world because he really is. He really is the only thing that makes me hope. He really is the only thing that makes me feel like being alive is the best thing that happened to me.

"Why did Cody go?"

"He had business to take care of."

"With John Cena?"

Randy nods his head. "Yes."

"I'm interested," I say but it's only a distraction from their stares.

"Making sure we know Cena's strategy so that I don't lose my title. Cody's supposed to look into that." Randy explains. "I am not losing my belt to him."

That's one thing about Randy.

He will do anything to protect that belt of his. He loves it. It gives him a good name. It makes him feel stronger.

If I had a championship belt, will I feel stronger?

My head suddenly realizes. Cody and I had been tag team partners for such a long time and now that we can't…am I holding him back? Do I need to get back on my feet? I need to, don't I?

But Randy's eyes tell me to concentrate on just healing. He'd said that to me a few times in my ear, too, to get across the thought but it's not there yet. I feel like I'm holding Cody back. I'm holding Legacy back. Instead of training around, he's talking me to buy jeans because I can't do it myself!

My heart thuds in my chest at the realization and I look up at him, so at a loss of where my thoughts are heading to… I grip tighter onto his t-shirt, clinging to him and he brings me closer, thinking that I'm going to fall out of his arms or something. He places me down so that I can try to use my feet for once as I look for a pair of jeans in whatever shop that Randy had taken me too.

I look around.

There are pairs of two many sizes.

Randy places me towards the chair and looks around for a pair of jeans for me. He knows my tastes. He knows what type of shade I like and hate. He knows that I don't like a million designs on them like the Miz's ring attire. He pulls out faded denim jeans and looks at me. "I think this will do." He says, and there's a swig of hope in his voice as he holds onto my waist and pulls me to him so that our bodies mash together. We receive stares as he takes me to the dressing room and shuts the stall.

It still makes me feel a bang of horror whenever I have to dress up with his eyes staring at me. Though I want to show him. I really do. He can take it, can he? And I'm scared of him taking advantage. I want to push the thoughts away but they always find their way back to my head.

I hold onto Randy's shoulders as he leans down to strip me out of my jeans and my body's so rigid and cold as I realize that this is scary. That my heart's thudding so loud in my chest that I can hear it through my ears. And as he chuckles under his breath, he lays me down onto the chair beside me. Taking the jeans and slipping it in my hands, I look at it. I like it. It's cute.

I hold onto Randy's shoulders as he helps me zip them up and I look in the mirror while Randy holds on my waist.

"How are they? Too big?"

I shake my head. "Fine…"

His eyes widen. "Becky wears pants like these."

Becky…_his sister_? I look down at them. And feel my face go red with humiliation. Pants like these? Girl's pants? I feel my stomach flop as I tell him to help me take it off, and he says that we're buying it anyways.

I hold onto the door handle, making sure that the door's completely locked this time as I feel myself trip and his hand slide into my pants. I hold the knob in fear, shaking and feel him take off his hand, horrified. "I'm sorry…" he says, holding onto my shoulder as I sit down to wear my pants, having him pull it up and zip it up.

I feel so humiliated.

So scared.

It's crazy.

Everything's just turned upside down and Randy's my enemy instead of friend. It feels that way.

As we go back to the hotel, we see that Cody's already there and playing Resident Evil 4…5? I don't know. Randy settles me down onto bed and walks over to Cody, taking a joystick and joining him. "Ted, you going to go to sleep? Should we lower the noise?"

I shake my head. It's okay this way.

I find myself zoning out.

I'm in another world.

Red.

Heart.

Bleeding.

The ring.

I bite my lips.

And then I feel myself shake.

Red.

Blood.

Seeping.

My head's all messed up.

Red.

Dull ruby.

Darkened.

Screams.

Blood pours.

"Please!"

I see her face.

Melanie.

My mother, Melanie.

The ring.

Trickled.

Blood.

From her face.

In my hand, a butcher's knife.

I don't know what I'm doing.

_Revenge_.

Horrifying revenge.

Blood.

Leaked from her eyes.

Slashed.

Dead.

I flutter my eyes open. I didn't even notice that I had fallen asleep but even as my head registers where I am and that Randy's holding me. It also register what I've been dreaming about—killing my mother.

_Revenge_.

That includes.

Blood.

That leaked from her eyes.

That trickled down her face.

My heart thudded with horror.

I didn't know what else to say but have my mouth stay hung open and memories of horror over wash me.

This is just too real.

Too much.

I knew that was a dream.

Because she was still alive.

She was. I know that.

But it's the feelings, the emotions, and the thoughts in my head…

_They all deserve to die. _

It scares me.

"Ted?" Randy asks, looking deep into my eyes as I stare into his. But all I see is _blood_…lots and lots of blood…running from his eyes…

Hallucination.

I scream.

Screams.

Blood.

Trickled.

Dripped…

Oh God…

Too much.

Rain.

Blood.

It's all mixed together.

All in my head.

But it's so real in front of my eyes. Cody looks from behind his shoulder, dripping blood from his face…

Another scream.

I'm sure that scream belonged to me.

_Who needs to pay for memories._

_Darkness…_  
November, 24, 2009  
**More**

Pieces of my memories.

Stained. Collided.

Together.

My mother's a druggie.

My father's always out of the house.

And thoughts.

Thoughts broken off.

Suicide.

Love.

Redemption.

Angels.

Demons.

All seeping through eighteen years of horror.

Then there's university.

Getting separated from my friends.

But that's not really it.

I've always been alone.

Even with them around.

They just don't know it.

It's the feeling of emptiness that makes me feel this way.

_Just flows through my veins, baby._

__

**So…have we gone to a big part of Ted's treatment? Not yet but we're getting there!  
**

**Deeper issues in the next chapter.**

**Such as…**

_**Ted: This is Alanna?  
Randy: Yes. You like her? Do you want to hold her?**_

**You can guess what I might do there.**

**Most of it is about Ted's mother/father and Randy's relationship with his wife. Lots of Ted/Cody bondage hopefully. And…that's about it. I think.**

**Review?**

**;) Sam**


	14. Picture Perfect

**Here's the long awaited, big chapter of '**_**Alone'**_**…**

Chapter 13  
Picture Perfect

_They never told you that when you die_  
November, 25, 2009  
**Take**

The horror still makes me shake, knowing that I'd killed my mother, even if it's just a nightmare—the reality….

It's so real.

The blood. The screams. The glass.

So real.

It thuds through my heart every time I take a breath; it makes me break every time I try to ignore the world around me, and as Randy takes my hands and helps me dress and this time, the thoughts that are in my head, of blood and violence, makes distracted and I don't notice Randy's touches and I barely notice his hot breath against my cold skin.

"Ted?" he asks me, holding onto my waist but nothing makes me feel moving and noticing that Randy rubs my cheek, kissing my neck and I still don't dare about it. Part of me is just happy that someone loves me. Part of me is just happy that someone cares about me. After I've seen myself, kill the person, batter flesh and soak blood.

It's painful.

It's so painful to watch.

It's so painful to remember.

My stomach wrenches and I feel Randy's lips go to my ear, "Teddy? Did I scare you? Did I—?"

"Leave me alone!" I scream suddenly.

I don't want him to touch me.

And me touching him…

Battering his body with a knife.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot." He says but I'm still numb and emotionless and he takes me into his arms, tears running down my face.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry… I didn't mean to kill her…"

Randy's body turns rigid as he lifts my head and looks into my eyes. Completely. Looking for a person. Looking for what's wrong. "Kill her?"

I nod my head, sorrowfully. "Melanie. My mother."

"You didn't do anything, Teddy. It's just your mind messing with you again," he promises as he squeezes me, giving me a hug and taking me out to the hotel room, putting me on the bed and kissing my forehead. "Do you need anything, Ted? Do you need me to call your doctor?"

"Get out of here, Randy. I'm going to hurt you!"

I'm so scared. I'm too scared. I can't think. I can't breathe. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to get mangled because of my sudden loss of thoughts. I shut the door behind him and let the tears fall.

I'm just so very scared for him.

I might mangle him.

I might destroy him.

I hit my head to the wall. Once. Twice. Three times. To let the blood trickle and drip from my head.

And then I fall down onto the floor.

Blood.

It's pouring out of my head.

It's suffocating me.

I feel myself, lapsing from reality to unconsciousness, and then there are two hands shaking me awake. Randy? Cody? My head couldn't process the colors as I slip in and out of reality, it's just too confusing.

I watch as Randy's hand snakes up to my cheek, caressing it.

"Ted. Please, stop hurting yourself."

"Can't."

"Why not?"

It's the truth that spikes out of my mouth. "I'm not dead yet."

"Oh, Ted," he takes me into his arms, pressing my body against his, and this time, I do care because I start shaking and my head's all confused. I don't want to be a killer and I have a big feeling that I will be one. A ruthless, insane killer.

The images were so real.

They're still real.

Blood.

Plunging out of their bodies.

Leaving nothing in them at all.

It just plain scares me. I don't want to see it and I don't want to think about it. It's just horrible.

Randy's hand strokes to my back as he kisses my ear. "Why'd I let this happen to you, Ted?" It's not his fault that my brain is screwed.

It's just my fault.

I could've stopped Richards, couldn't I?

Or was I too scared?

I don't remember.

I feel his hand press against my cheek as he carries me and I know we're outside but I don't know where we're heading. He kisses my nose and presses my face against his chest, making me smell the scent of his body, sweet, very sweet, with a tough edge and even though I'm suffocating in his scent, I don't move.

I don't want to look at anything anymore.

There's just nothing to look up to.

When he takes me inside of his place, I instantly know it's his house. The scent—it's too familiar. He lies me down onto the couch and rubs his hand on a side of my head. I feel sleepy and pained. It just hurts. Every electrode of my body's pulsing pain into me and I don't know how to stop it.

I touch his face and he moves away.

I stare in confusion but I realize what's going on. He's heard Alanna scream. It's the first time I've ever really seen the girl. It's since the divorce two months ago where Randy caught her cheating on him. He's allowed to have her whenever he's come back to St. Louis, Missouri, and he's always called in advance to let her know.

I watch as he takes the baby in his arms, cradling the little child in his arms, and then rubbing his hand through that little patch of hair she has. "This is Alanna?" my voice slips out.

"Yes. I brought you here because I wanted to get—"realization seems to seep inside of Randy, as he stares at me. "How am I going to carry you and Alanna?" he says the question aloud.

"I don't need to be carried everywhere I go, Ran," I tell him, trying to stand up and fall back down onto the couch. I feel so very disabled. People can at least stand up. I can't without Cody and Randy around me as a support to help me around. I want to get better…I need to go back to Richards. Cure myself.

I don't think any other doctor knows what's wrong with me.

I know Richards is a psycho but for a price, he might give me back my stolen identity. Because I don't seem to know who I really am anymore. It's like I'm not anyone at all, just a plain solid piece of nothing ready to die.

It's always seemed to be that way.

He presses Alanna to his chest and she stares at me, giving that beautiful laugh of hers as her hands go up to Randy's chest. "Do you want to hold her, Ted?"

I'm scared.

What if I kill her… or—?

But the look on Randy's face is almost confident as he slips the child into my lap and all that's inside of me is fear. What if I hurt her? Randy will never forgive me._ I_ will never forgive me.

I can't hurt a child.

I close my eyes as Randy sits beside me and tells me to bring her closer to me. But the closer I bring her just makes me shake even harder as I bring the child close to me, swallowing and staring, I'm terrified…I really am very terrified…

She's just a child. I can't hurt her!

It's the flashes that get to me the most.

Blood.

Horror.

Violence.

Flashes of blue and white spitting out.

Black coated.

Pure horror.

Knife slashing through child.

Laughter. My laughter.

It's all so painful as it strikes inside of my head. Randy stands next to me, terror in his eyes, horrid faced.

And even if it's not real…it's…

Horrible to look at.

Even think about.

And I don't notice as I let the child slip off my hands, hitting her head onto the floor, letting out a horrible scream.

I think that's scarred me inside the most.

Randy rushes to her instantly and stares at me, glaring at me with cold eyes. I've never seen him this angry before. It's like I'm suddenly Triple H or John Cena instead of Ted and he slaps me.

Hard.

It stings.

It hurts.

I stare.

I lie to myself and tell me it means that he likes me. Lies are trying to cover the acidity of my truth.

Voices.

'_He likes you…doesn't he?'_

It's sweet and smooth. It's Randy's.

'_I like you, don't I? I just want the best for you. So why wouldn't I hit you? I hit you and you realize how much love hurts, baby.'_

It hurts to listen to this.

It just scares me.

"Ted?"

"Yeah?"

"…get out of my house."

I stare at him.

He's _never_ told me that.

He just can't understand how much my head swirls around those thoughts, how my illusions just spit into my head, acid and horror and I don't want him to know that. I don't want either too much pity for me.

I need him to be Randy around me.

I need to feel like Ted around him.

I'm letting him hurt me—so I can feel normal again. I don't need special treatment from anyone. It just makes me fall all empty inside.

'_Why empty? I love you.'_

My head spins and swirls. It sounds so much like Randy. I stare down at the floor and walk away, feeling my body twist in pain with every step and I just have to hold onto something. I need support. I need someone there and in the middle of my way back to the hotel, I'd gotten a headache that's made my day horrid because it just keeps on nagging me. I hold onto the pole, falling down onto the floor and I'm so breathless.

I stand up after a while from the stares I'm getting.

Hopeless, helpless Ted.

Eventually, it's been five hours before I can go back to the hotel. It's turned all black outside and all that's left of me is burning pain as I collapse onto my bed. I've never been so tired in my life. I'm sweaty and red. I'm so out of breath that the next breath I skip feels like the last one.

It's so horrifying.

I just stare down onto the floor, until Cody comes back. "Ted?" he asks me, confused to why I'm here alone. "Randy said that he was going to take you out. Were you here this entire time, Cody?"

"N-no…"

"Do you need any help?" he asks, sitting down towards me, kissing my forehead.

I simply stare at him and bury my head to the bed, feeling the cotton on my face. "Do you need help?"

I look up at him and my body shakes and twists. "I need to be alone," I whisper as soft as I could've and he kisses my forehead again before he walks out of the room.

I'm finally alone.

I hate being alone.

_You may die with regrets._

_They never told you that when you look out_  
November, 26, 2009  
**A**

I'm back into this place.

My memories…?

It's so real.

It's so very real.

The sound of my alarm clock buzzing, the scent of ocean and air and sun, the sweet color of my room (all painted blue to fit in with the ocean/air/sun scent combination in the air) as I stand up and stretch and knowing that I can stand up means that I'm younger around here. I am truly young.

Twelve years old.

I don't remember anything that's under the age of sixteen when my entire life just spins around but I have a tugging feeling inside of me that's telling me that even when I had been young, my life had spun out of control.

I sit down onto the breakfast table and look at the food. Even if I know this is a memory. It's almost as if I don't feel like eating as I look up at my father. I see as my father sits down beside me. It's rare that he comes around for us as I grab onto the spoon and I'm ready to take a bite but I let the spoon fall back down.

"Hello, Theodore," he calls me.

This is one of those times I hated being called Theodore.

I stare at the food with no need or lust as I push the bowl away and look at him, with the softest smile I can give.

My father puts a hand on my shoulder, 'you saw your old man's match?"

I quickly nod my head. "Y-yes," I stutter as I take a bite of the food as if it's to avoid the conversation before staring at him, staring so very silently at him while chewing the tasteless food.

"Theodore?"

"Yes?"

"Stop acting like a child and stop playing around with your food." My stomach's sloshing acid and pain and agony and it just hurts.

"Stop bossing me around."

I hate people like that.

But I guess these are the people I love the most.

My father. And Randy.

It's just confusing.

I've always had people that try to control me because I know that I can't control myself. I know that I'm so out of control that I need someone to control me.

I need someone to control my head and my body all at once.

I'd do anything for control.

"Are you going around anywhere?"

I nod my head. "Yeah, today I'm out with Cody today."

With Cody, I spend around a few hours riding our bikes and when Cody had said that he wanted to go to the park, I say no and walk back to the house. I find out that the door is locked so I go through the window but I wonder what's been keeping my father so busy that he hadn't heard the door open.

I walk towards the kitchen and I stare, horrified.

My father's kissing…a man?

And he'd kicked me out for being gay when he was gay himself?

My body twists horribly. Acid knots in my stomach as I run towards the door and open it, shutting it behind me and look down at the floor. I just can't believe what I've seen. I've been rejected and kicked out of my house at sixteen for being gay by my father himself just because he doesn't want his wife to know it.

I feel as if that's it.

It's running in my blood.

I feel sick on the inside.

I feel like every electrode of my brain's hurting me.

My eyes pop open as I look around and my heart thuds. "Randy?" I echo through the room, suddenly scared.

So very scared.

"Cody?"

No one.

I really am alone.

And it's scaring me.

I open the door and feel oxygen purging out of my lungs, squeezing and burning oxygen out of me as I fall down onto the floor. It's become too tiring to move knowing that I'm all alone. I find Randy walking inside of the room and leaning down towards me. Happiness just purges through me.

"Get your stuff out of my room."

The way he says those words, it's so out of disgust.

I stare at him. And then I remember that I've hurt his daughter. "Is she okay?" I whisper, almost scared.

"She has a skull fracture!"

I stare at him, as if waiting to tell me the truth but I can see it from his eyes that that had been the truth.

"Because of you, she won't be able to function normally!"

He slaps me again and my shoulders are shaking from horror and agony and I can't understand how a child can get hurt that way but then I remember how fragile a child's skull is…it scares me on the inside knowing that I'm the cause of her injury. That I've hurt her so much.

It just hurts.

"Just k-k-kill me," I whisper and as he grabs onto my hand and pulls me to his nose, those words that he says hurt me.

"I'm tempted."

I stare at him.

Would my Randy actually say that…?

It hurts knowing that he wants me dead.

Just hurts so much.

_Can turn black and white._

_They never told you that sometimes colors_  
November, 27, 2009  
**Breath**

All the colors in the world.

Faded.

Had gone into nothing.

Black.

Rotten.

Faded so violently.

I'm left with nothing.

The moment that Cody had walked inside. I say the words I want to say this entire time. "I want to run away," I say and the taste of tears and faded red falls around.

Red (love).

Fades.

Blue (calm).

Fades.

Green (life).

Fades.

Yellow (happiness).

Fades.

Purple (joy).

Fades.

Orange (passion).

Fades.

White (purity).

Fades.

Pink (softness).

Fades.

"Ted," Cody started, with an awed expression on his face. "You can't run away…"

"Please, Cody." I said. "I need to go. I need to run off. I can't stay here anymore. If you're not doing it with me, I'm going alone."

Cody swallowed once, staring at me, 'I can't leave here, Ted."

"I will."

Before he can respond, I try to stand up and I fall down onto the floor, head dizzy and he shakes his head. He's known that I can't go past the door to go alone. This had been all part of his plot.

He stares down at me.

"You need anything, Ted?"

I need so many things.

I need Cody to tell me that he'll come with me. Run off. But I shake my head again as I go towards the bed and lay on it, feeling myself calming down, feeling tired and puffy eyed. I fall asleep before Cody comes back and shakes my shoulder; I open my eyes to find that he had gotten me some food.

"Cody, I don't need special treatment." I whisper. "I need Randy. You heard about Alanna?"

"It's not your fault, Ted. You know that. Randy won't be mad at you for long. He'll come around eventually."

"I gave her a _skull fracture_, Cody," it still scares me, hearing it, knowing it's true just by staring at those eyes of his, knowing that I've hurt a child in ways I didn't think was possible. It's just so scary.

"A skull fracture?"

"I let her fall out of my hands…it just—I was—I deserved a piece of Randy's mind. He's hurt. He's so hurt because of my mistake. I really don't care if he kills me…"

"Don't say that. Randy's just upset. He'll get over it. From what I heard, she's doing fine," Cody insists and I love that he's so optimistic because of all those fantasy stories and comic books that he's been reading but there's a feeling inside of me that keeps on nagging me. Even from that faint blue hint of his turquoise eyes, I can see that there's sadness. As if he knows that this isn't going to turn out well in the end.

When Cody's gone, I do what I want to do.

I try standing up and walking around without holding onto anything.

I've scraped metal on my skin, bleeding and exhausted. Completely drenched with sweat. I couldn't believe that I had been a wrestler before. I just can't. I can't believe that I might never step into the ring again.

And how I want to step in the ring.

At 2:49 in the morning, I had learned how to walk.

Drenched with sweat and exhaustion, glee attacks my body as I look out into the window. I'll show them. I'll show them that I can run away if I want to. I can control my body, can't I?

A part of me still doesn't think so.

_Just fade._

_This fire burns inside_  
November, 28, 2009  
**And**

I run off.

It's still night and I run off.

I fall down onto the floor and feel the pain ripping through me harshly but I don't care. I need to find Richards. I need to be fixed. I let the pain burn through my flesh and body and I find myself sigh. Any type of success just has to burn and fade away, didn't it? And now, there's nothing there but a fire that burns inside of me.

Too hard.

Too much of a fire.

I find myself standing up and looking away and then feeling his arms catch onto my arms, and pulling me to him, looking deep into my eyes.

Richards.

"I've been following you around, Teddy… seeing everything," he says as he presses his body against mine, too hard. Too much. He caresses my cheek and my body just turns to Jell-O under the touch.

"Hurt me. Kill me. I don't deserve to live." I say and it hurts. It's so bitter and it's so twisted with pain and agony and desolation.

"Oh, Teddy, we've gone over the edge, haven't we?" Richards asks as he holds onto my hand and takes me to his car, locking the door and getting into the other, staring at me, darkly and then kissing me.

I kiss back.

That's the biggest shock ever.

I don't want to die alone.

I don't want to be alone.

I want someone to hold onto me, take away all the pain—I want someone to show me that they like me…even though they don't because I know they don't. Richards seems to be the only person that doesn't pity me, even if he's sadistic, he's not sorry for me or angry at me. He's just plain used to seeing all of this.

Or maybe he likes taking control of me.

He likes limiting my control of myself.

And I'm in control when I'm around him.

Maybe that's why I kissed him back.

Part of me is just sad…what about Randy? What about Cody? What about Legacy itself? He takes me back home and it's morning. The sun's up and that scent of ocean and air and sun is in the air but I don't want it to be, remembering that horrid nightmare that's supposed to be sweet but it only makes me sickly sweet on the inside.

He lies me down onto bed and looks at me. "You want to be fixed?" he asks me.

I nod my head, burying my face into his chest. "I want to be fixed. I want someone to fix my mistakes because I don't know why the hell I'm alive anymore. It's just too scary to face it all."

"Don't worry. I'll fix you," his voice was dark.

It was hard to believe that he could fix me. Of all people. One who tortured the hell out of me before but I had no other hope. I needed him to help me. In the middle of the night, as he had taken me into his bed, ready to fall asleep with me, ready to fix his little mistake—or at least, that was what I wanted to think.

I needed to hold onto someone.

Cody. I could've. I could've held on—but I didn't want to hold him and Randy down anymore. They were already far behind and I didn't want to put them even more far behind. Besides, I never believed I belonged in Legacy anyways. It seemed better with Cody and Randy only.

Never seemed to be a spot for Ted.

I had always felt that way.

I learned to accept it.

As I snuggle in my sleep, I hear a flash of something from my cell phone and looking at it, with the bright white screen, my heart raced. I stand up and walk towards the bathroom, sitting down onto the toilet seat and looking at the few messages now that there was much more lighting.

_6:40_

_Where are you, Teddy?_

_(Cody)_

I look through the others.

_7:30_

_Ted, I'm serious. Where in Hell's name are you…?_

_(Cody)_

And another few.

**8:50 **

**Go jump off a cliff.**

**(Randy)**

My heart thuds in my chest. Did he really just say that? Did _my Randy_ tell me to _jump off a cliff_? I know he hates me but enough to encourage me to my own death? Does he mean it?

Part of me just knows that he'd never mean it.

Another part of me thinks that he means it.

I text Cody back.

12:40

Does Randy care if I'm gone?

(Ted)

And I shut my phone tight before straddling back to the bed and slipping inside, feeling Randy wrap his arms around me, squeezing the hell out of my little body and it hurts. It hurts all so very much.

I don't think I can handle so much pain.

I have him holding onto my body in his sleep, gripping onto me as tight as ever and I'm trapped.

I've realized I've always been trapped.

And having his breath on my face, it makes my heart thud. And my heart bleeds, over and over, too fast, too rapid, it makes my body ache. And my body aches, and it makes my brain turn into mush.

In the morning, he's still holding onto me.

My eyes are bloodshot and puffy.

I look like CM Punk.

Except I'm more of a mess than Jeff's entangled and horrid paint mess. Except I'm more of a mess than Cody's comic book collection tattered into a horrible muddle. I can't believe how I look like. I can't believe how wrecked and broken I feel and look like. It's just not worth anything anymore having to look into a mirror and seeing a monster.

Confused.

Broken.

Killer.

'_You killed me on the inside…'_

Randy Orton's voice.

And I know that I think it's worse than actually being killed.

When I feel Richards' hot breath on my face, when I feel the tension in his shoulders, it just makes me think of one thing—it makes me trying to pretend that Richards' breath and movements are Randy's.

I'm still so very trapped.

_Too hard._

_I feel black_  
November, 29, 2009  
**I**

I wake up around six o'clock in the morning.

He's still asleep and he's still holding onto me and I let him because I want someone to hold me—even if it makes me feel like I'm trapped in the darkest puzzle and I might never be able to solve it.

He strokes my ear and I look at him as he presses his lips to my forehead. I know why he's so compassionate. He wants to win me over. I'd seen Randy Orton do this to a million people and that stabs me more to think that he might be trying to 'win me over' and stay in Legacy all this time.

It's such a possibility.

It just strikes my head.

How could I be so blind…?

It seems to be the only truth. Because I'm hideous and so distorted and so painful to the eyes. I shouldn't be loved. I should be played with. I should be people's toys. It's what I'm good at the most.

I see Richards as he stands up and walks off and he returns with strap, a thick strap and it makes me wonder what this does but he stares at me and braces it to my wrist without my say so. "Come on, fun time's over now," his voice's as bitter as I remember. At least he doesn't pity me like Cody and Randy.

They look at me as a sorrowful puppy who's lost his way home.

I don't have home…

I don't have any home…

I'm not welcome anywhere. No one really likes me. They feel sorrow for me. Sure but they don't like me. I'm different. I'm a conceited little piece of ass that people find cute sometimes and hot sometimes. I don't know. It's a mixture of that to most people. But to me, I'm too hideous for this world. I'm too unworthy of life.

He takes me downstairs and says, "I'll go get you food."

I sit down onto a piano and look at the keys. Piano. It's not something I've played in a while. I start playing with the keys but stop when I've realized that the tone is saddening. I don't want to be sad.

I have to be happy.

Don't I?

I sit down onto the couch and he brings me a tray of food. They all look so tasteless, so bitter but he puts his hand on my forehead and raises both his eyebrow before he takes my hand and presses it against my forehead.

So hot.

I wonder how my body feels like to Randy. Is the heat too much for him? I must've really scared him out of wanting to touch me this way.

I watch as he places the tray of food on my lap. I stare down. It's a bowl of cereal that I don't know of. I hold onto a spoon and dive right in but when I'm about to eat it, I drop it. This reminds me of that nightmare. I cannot eat this.

He looks at me, with horrid eyes, and he's more of the Richards I've known as he takes the spoon and shoves the cereal down my throat and all I feel is the taste of metal against me as the throbbing head of the spoon runs down my throat and all I do is throw up, violently, knocking down the bowl with me.

I fall onto my knees and look up at him and he wipes away the traces of vomit from my mouth and stares at me, glaring at me. "You just ruin everyone's life, don't you?" he's making me feel weak.

And even though I know I shouldn't surrender, I do anyways.

He reminds me of Randy Orton.

I don't want to be scared of him but I am.

I want to kiss him but at the same time, I don't.

I spend the time on the piano, tapping keys and playing with them until Richards has punched me into the stomach and told me that this had annoyed him for far too much and had pressed his boot against my stomach.

He'd attempted to have me eat lunch and dinner again.

Dinner.

I think it had been some sort of fish. I don't really want to remember. He had taken my hand and put in into the boiling water to teach me a lesson of disrespecting him and trying to avoid eating all over again. I know I've deserved every burning feeling inside of my body. I know I've deserved having him burn me alive.

I know I've deserved to bleed and burn.

When I had gone to bed, he'd made me sleep on the floor for the causes of all the accidents when I had fallen down because I haven't really gotten the concept of walking. Now, having him helping me change had been embarrassing. I suddenly miss Randy's touch and Cody's gentle eyes.

It's like I'll never be with them ever again.

It's like I've lost them all over again.

_I want my colors back._

_I'm jealous of colors_  
November, 30, 2009  
**Try**

He gives me a type of therapy.

"I want you to draw."

Colors. Papers. Pencils. Pens. Erasers. Sharpeners. All in front of me on a red desk on my bed as I take one of the colors and twirl them around my fingers. I stare back at the paper and then at the color in my hand.

Blue.

Randy's eyes.

I let it fall onto the desk.

I start to shake as I stare onto the desk, staring onto the colors and the paper. And in moments, I've drawn a picture of me and Randy.

It sucks.

I've never been a good drawer but he says that that doesn't matter and that this is a part of me getting over my anorexic phase.

He only wants me to have enough energy to sleep with me.

I can see it in his eyes.

He wants me…he wants to touch me…he wants to be in me. And it scares me to the bone, thinking that he wants me so bad that he's willing to try to get rid of my anorexic problems and as I smear the crayon across the picture of me.

I just don't belong in this world.

I grip onto the red crayon and the moment I look up at him, having his eyes staring down at my picture, he laughs.

"What the hell is this?"

"A picture."

"You suck at art." He notices.

"Go away."

I don't like hearing it. I know he's right but I just do want him to go away. I want to be alone for a while but no one will let me.

I feel him as he kisses me. Hard.

Sweet.

I taste the honey on his breath. His bitter honey.

He licks his lips. "Do you like me?"

I shake my head.

"Look," he takes the red crayon from my hand, slips it off and he crosses off the picture of Randy I had drawn and my heart tears a little. "He shouldn't exist anymore. Maybe that's what I should program your brain to."

My heart thuds. "You-you can do that?"

"You want to forget about him?" his eyes shine with glee.

I want to forget about his beautiful face.

His gleeful smile.

His perfect teeth.

His pretty eyes.

His seductive smirk.

I don't want to remember that because I'll feel so very broken that I won't have him. I want to get used to this life. Because I deserve this life of torture and pain and suffering and I'll never think otherwise.

I nod my head silently.

He laughs. "Then I'll make a device for it."

He rips the picture to shreds and walks away and now that I'm finally alone, I re-draw the picture.

Of Randy and me. And the cross on me again.

And I bring it to my heart.

That's what I've always felt like.

I let the pain seep through my skin.

It hurts all so much, having to look at the perfection of his face and knowing that I won't be able to touch him, and it hurts, having to kiss Richards and pretend that it's Randy just because I like Randy more and it hurts, having to think about him and breathe for him…it just does.

_They're all prettier than me._

_How does Jeff see the world in colors?_  
December, 1, 2009  
**To**

Everything's just too black.

Bitter.

I'm all so bitter.

I'm lost in the shadows of myself.

And nothing's going to change that.

I spend half the day walking around just thinking about that face as I bump into a body and the way the skin feels, as if I've known how it feels before and I look up to see the face of my mother.

My heart races.

I stare into her.

"Sorry."

She says and she wants to move away but I hold onto her hand.

She looks scared because she slaps me, hard, onto my cheek and even though I'm sure she must've forgotten how I looked like or something, I look at her. "Mom?"

"I don't have… Ted?" she suddenly realizes as she stares at me, and touches my face, feeling my skin, and I can see from her eyes, from her crazy solid eyes, that she's high and that she's still on drugs.

My stomach wrenches as I nod my head.

She hugs me. Hard and she kisses onto the side of my face. "Oh, Teddy…I haven't seen you in a while. I was watching wrestling but I didn't see you around anymore… what happened to you, Ted?"

"I have Hep C."

Her eyes widen.

Her face pales.

And she hugs me, hard, sobbing, so close to my ear as she holds onto my body. "I'm sorry…"

"You're a druggie, Mom. You need help."

So much of my childhood memories are painful to see and I've always wanted to say those words, to tell her that she needs help. Even as a child, oblivious to her drug addiction, they always called her sick and I've always wanted her to get help and she always left me alone in the house…

"I'm sorry." She repeats. "I'm so very sorry, Ted."

"Mom," I say, helping her to her feet, making her stand straight as we stare at each other, our eyes so very intact, as my heart thuds deeply in pain and agony and twisted desolation and all I want for her is to understand. "I'm the one who's sorry."

"For what?"

"Being gay. Being kicked out of the house. Causing you pain…"

"Oh, Teddy," she says, gripping onto my shoulders and pulling me close to her, and rubbing her hand on my back, soft and sweet as my eyes are locked into hers, seeing the solid color of her eyes. "You got so thin."

"That's a part of Hep C. Anorexia is a symptom."

"Will we see each other soon?"

"I doubt it."

In four months, I'll probably be dead.

On the floor.

Finally gone.

Finally ready to reunite with the devils in Hell and my father's one of them. I can just feel our envy and evilness had gotten us burned in Hell.

But somewhere, deep inside, I've always been burned.

_When all I see is black…_

_My eyes are bleeding_  
December, 2, 2009  
**Draw**

It's all painful.

I can walk around as long as I come back later on.

Richards has a chip on me so he knows where I am at all times. I'm controlled now, right? I'm not out of control, right?

But I'm not happy.

Why am I not happy…?

When will I ever be happy?

It's all so painful.

It's all too painful.

Spitting images of faint colors.

Red.

_5:30_

_Are you okay, Teddy? I'm scared about you._

_(Cody)._

Black.

**6:30**

**Guess what, Ted? I just got a text message from Sam! I'm not allowed to touch Alanna…ever. Thank you for ruining mine and my daughter's life.**

**(Randy).**

Blue.

_8:00_

_Ted? Please, call me!_

_(Cody)._

Painful blue. Burned red. Condensed black.

I walk around as I finally see Randy and I run off. I don't need to hear him give me a lecture and as I try to dodge him, but I have Randy running after me and even without seeing him, I can feel the anger in him and the more I do, fear burns inside of me even harder and he tackles me down.

I look at him, scared, so very frightened.

"Randy…"

"Don't you Randy me!" he exclaims. "Because of you, my whole freaking life is torn! A five year old can hold a baby, Ted!"

My eyes are threatening to roll back into my head.

I see the pain in his eyes.

The pain of having this monster inside of him unleash.

But it does anyways.

He grabs onto a short tuft of my hair and tries to pull it off, trying to expression his anger to me.

I stare at him. "Randy…"

"What? What in hell's name do you want?"

"I…I love you."

He slaps me instead.

Makes me feel all pained on the inside.

I stare at him.

I knew that this would happen.

I push him off and run off and I don't care about the pain and I don't care about the ripping feeling inside of me as I fall down onto the floor.

Klutz.

I stand up and start walking, taking short and sharp breaths as I make my way towards Richards. Having him stare at me as he grabs onto my arm and pushes me towards the floor. "You love him?!"

"I love him…" I say, letting the tears drop from my eyes. "And he hates me."

"Damn right he does."

That's just a flare of electric agony twisting inside of me.

I sleep onto the floor with thoughts of pain and agony crashing through me. I want Randy. I really do.

But every time I think of his eyes, I know that those eyes want to push me away.

I know that he wants me to die.

I want to die, too.

_A faint color of red._

_Blood, too much blood…_  
December, 3, 2009  
**From**

I spend my time.

Spitting out images of blurry pain and spiking terror and sitting down onto my bed, staring at the wall, staring at the many pictures I let fall onto the wall.

Richards walks towards me and he slips down towards me, kissing my mouth and I kiss him back. It's the least I can do. He pulls me and looks somberly at my eyes. "I want you to do me a favor."

Fear provokes my body.

"W-what?"

"I want you to marry me."

My eyes threaten to pop out of my head.

I know he's crazy.

But I am too.

We're going to be crazily depressingly ever after.

There are just no fairytales in real life.

My heart keeps on saying.

_No! No! No!_

But my brain says "yes".

Guess which one I've chosen?

"Yes. I-I'll marry you."

"And I'll go back to fix that pretty little helmet for you. By the time that we're done, you won't remember Orton at all."

I stare at him.

I still want Randy Orton.

I still love Randy Orton.

But he's just broken me and crippled me into nothing.

Why do I always think of him when he hurts me so bad?

_I don't think I can breathe anymore._

_Laughter, so much laughter, _  
November, 4, 2009  
**My**

I let the pencil draw me a picture.

Randy, me and Cody.

I tear Randy out of the picture.

Then I tear Cody out.

So it's just me.

Alone.

With a frowny face.

I'm a child.

Stuck inside of an adult's body.

And I'm getting married to a man I barely even like.

And Randy can't change my mind.

_5:42_

_Ted, you're getting married?!_

_(Cody)._

5:45

Yes, I am, Cody.

(Ted)

_5:53_

_Teddy…how much do you know about this guy?_

_(Cody)._

6:02

I don't know anything about him, Cody.

(Ted).

_6:13_

_Then why are you marrying him?!_

_(Cody.)_

6:20

Because Randy hit me and I told him I loved him…he hit me, Cody. He hit me so hard that I feel like I'm in a nightmare…

(Ted).

_6:29_

_Please, come back home._

_(Cody)._

6:31

When was I ever home, Cody?

(Ted.)

I smear red against my image.

Blood.

Laughter fills the air.

I like watching me die.

It's like a comedy movie.

But I always end up breaking in tears.

I'm just so pathetic.

_It hurts to laugh…_

_My spirits seem to be gone_  
November, 5, 2009  
**Spirits**

When I look in the mirror, all I see is black.

There's a stranger looking back… 

I don't know how to write poetry. I suck at that too. I guess I'm doing the things that Jeff Hardy loves to do most and I suck at them more than ever.

It takes me forever to write two lines.

I'm curing from my ability not to not read.

It's hard.

But I want to be perfect.

I'm just not.

Just destroyed. Just shattered. Just damaged…

_I think I'm gone, too._

_Randy, why?  
So much pain…  
I can't take it._  
November, 6, 2009  
**Well**.

9:00

Randy…I'm sorry.

(Ted).

**9:20**

**Get away from me, Theodore.**

**(Randy).**

9: 25

Why am I becoming such a stranger? Why do you hate me?

(Ted).

**9:32**

**How can I love someone who hates himself?**

**(Randy).**

9:36

You're breaking me…

(Ted).

**9:44**

**How do you think I feel? My daughter's scarred forever because of you.**

**(Randy).**

**10:23.**

**Theodore?**

**(Randy).**

**10:35.**

**TED?!**

**(Randy).**

_I'm too fragile._

* * *

_Randy doesn't need another word. _

_He grabs onto his car keys and runs inside of the car and he doesn't say another word as he locks the key into his ignition…_

"_Please be okay." Randy's voice is cracked and it has been that way for so long and as he drives, his heart explodes and thuds and he stares into the stained glass of his car and tears are running down his face. "What have I done?"_

* * *

**Too long.**

**These chapters are too long.**

**Review?**

**;) Sam**


	15. Dreadful Drink

**Okay, here is the next. I don't like it much but it's okay, isn't it?**

Chapter 14  
Dreadful Drink

_Randy's face pales as he tries to trace the phone call and he sees how far Ted really is. His head's spinning so very hard and his heart's thudding in his chest and tears are burning down from his cheeks as he stops and runs towards the house._

_He finds Ted down onto the floor._

_The razor out of his hands._

_The blood running from his mouth and from his side._

_**I'm hideous…**_

_It's burning onto the page of Ted's diary._

_It's big._

_It's scaring him._

_Randy holds onto Ted's body, brushing Ted's hair out of his face even though he won't really care and he feels the short and sharp breath as Ted's hand weakly tries to reach for the razor. His eyes are shut so tight._

_Randy breathes on Ted's face. "Oh…Ted, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry…"_

_Ted's face regains a slight color of pink and peach and his eyes slowly open, just halfway, to see Randy's staring back at him, with teary eyes and bleeding hearts and painful thoughts as Randy hugs Ted to him._

"_Thank God. I'm not too late. What were you thinking of, Teddy? You could've been gone…forever."_

"_I want to be gone…"_

_Ted faints in his arms again, holding onto the last piece of hope. _

"_No…"_

_Randy's voice's filling with pain._

"_No! Ted. Don't give up on me now."_

"_I…I'm…I can't…I'm fainting…"_

_And his stomach twists knots as the blood seeps and his head's thoughts are colliding with each other, entangled into a web of nothingness as Ted feels Randy leans down to Ted's face. "Are we going to be okay, Ted?"_

"_I…my throat…my head…"_

_Ted faints just right there._

_What if you're choice?_  
December, 6, 2009  
**Yet**

My fingers drape against my suit.

I bring it close to my body.

I remember Randy. I remembered him finding me, as I tried to kill myself. He found me and had held me when I had fainted, and when I had woken up, I had told him to go away and to leave me alone with Richards for a while.

Randy's so sorry.

But I've only done what he wanted me to do.

Crawl and die.

Because I deserve a skull fracture.

I deserve to bleed.

I deserve to die.

I watch as Richards comes inside and I press the suit closer to my body. "It'll be a sensational wedding."

"Who'll be there?"

"Who needs to be there?"

My heart skips a beat as I look at them. "No one." I say, bitter and flat and I can't imagine my life with Randy Orton.

I can only imagine my life with this horrid man.

I can only imagine my life as horrible.

Not good.

Never good.

Just bad.

"This will be perfect."

I only stare at him.

I doubt that it'll be good.

Much less perfect.

_Possibly scar another person's life or your own?_

_It's all pain over pain_  
December, 7, 2009  
**Again**

Randy stares at me.

"You're really going to marry this psycho?"

It just burns knowing that he of all people doesn't support my decision but a part of me knows that I don't either. I don't want to marry him. I don't want to touch him. I don't want any part of him to belong to his.

But I need a seeming fairytale ending.

I can't let Randy and Cody share my pain anymore. They're not my toys. I can't play with him and break them and hurt them anymore. It just hurts to watch them suffering, to watch them throw their careers away in a blink of an eye.

"Richards isn't a psycho." Truth be told, I agree with Randy but I don't ever and I won't ever admit it. "He's just different."

"He's the guy that's hurt you the first time!"

"He's changed." I whisper under my breath and the rage in Randy's eyes are for Richards and Richards only, coating with darkness, plunged with blackness and bitterness, my hearts threatens to stop as I try not to stare into those eyes of his.

"He hasn't. He still hurts you, doesn't he?" Randy asks, touching my face.

"No," I whisper as he presses his lips to mine and I find myself kissing back before I pull away. "Please, don't this to me, Randy."

"You're a cheap prostitute, aren't you?"

My heart thuds.

And his eyes soften. "Ted, maybe you're right…I'll just hurt you."

"I'm not afraid of you hurting me," I admit. "I'm afraid of me hurting you!"

And as Randy stares at me, giving me a friendly hug as I sob and cry my heart out on the inside. I don't want to do this. And I don't know if Randy knows it but my heart's just racing in my chest at the feel of his breath pressing against mine.

"I'm sorry for everything, Ted. I'm sorry for calling you a cheap prostitute…you're not…"

"I am," I suddenly interject. "I know I am, Randy. That's all I've ever been. That's all I ever will be."

And I can feel Randy's heartbeat faster.

And I can feel Randy's breath tighten.

I can see his face pale.

It's all too much pain to see and feel and hear so I run off. I run off back into the house and lock my room.

"I'm sorry, Ran…"

_I can't take it._

_My life's hanging in the balance  
_December, 8, 2009  
**you**

It's like I'm a zombie.

Watching everything.

But feeling nothing.

I watch as Richards kisses me one last time and pulls away to walk towards the fridge and he pulls out a blue cup, filled with a cold and cool liquid, or seemingly looked like it, it's thick and glows an aqua color and as he put the cup down onto the table, I look up at him.

"Drink it."

My stomach twists knots. My burning face blazes harder.

I feel him as he moves.

And he presses the cup to me. "Drink it."

"This will make me forget Randy? I thought you'll make a helmet…"

"Changed my mind. This will be easier."

I stare at the cup.

Do I really want to give up years and years of memories just so I can live an unhappy life with Richards?

I feel my tears run down my cheeks.

I bring the cup close to my mouth.

But I don't do it.

It smells.

It feels.

I just can't do it.

_I know I'll risk it any day._

_I'm going to be unhappy_  
December, 9, 2009  
**Refuse**

Can you really throw away years of memories away?

Do you ever want to erase all those memories?

I know I don't want to be in love with Randy. I just wish that I can limit our relationship. Make the want in his eyes go away. Make him a different person instead of changing inside of my head.

But that won't happen.

I've come to know that.

I've come to breathe that.

I've come to see that all the time.

Nothing I ever want ever happens.

And I watch, holding Richards' ring in my finger and I look at it. It looks horrid. It looks so very horrible. It's all broken. It's just like me.

I hate it.

Only because it reflects me.

I remember my broken pieces whenever I look at my wedding ring.

I know that if I had a beautiful one, I'd be even emptier on the inside. Richards knows that too.

Seeing something beautiful on me…

Will only make me want to break. Inside out.

Because I'll never be beautiful.

And I know it.

My stomach's churning.

My head's pounding.

Nothing's changed.

Except for the first time, I'm thinking.

Of horror.

Of agony.

Of pain.

And I don't think I can take it away.

_My life's going to hurt._

_My life's going to burn me_  
December, 10, 2009  
**to**

I spend most of my time sleeping right now.

I can't really breathe and I can't really think. I end up slipping into unconsciousness and my stomach's twisting acid knots and my head's pounding and I can't see anything else but pain and agony and painted fear and striking desolation and as I stare up at the ceiling and think about Randy.

I can't have him.

I know I can't have him.

"Theodore? What are you doing?"

"It hurts!"

It's the pain that's ripping through my body. My body was striking with fever and my body shook with the coldness as I stare at the wind, blank and emotionless and painful and broken.

"Where?"

"My stomach…"

He only stabs me.

Hits me harder.

And the pain overtakes me so hard that tears start to roll of my eyes. It's so painful. It's so ripping and it's paralyzing me on the inside.

It's crippling me to pieces.

He holds onto my shoulders and brings me towards his body as I shake and twitch and cripple.

It's too much overwhelming pain.

I need one thing.

To black out.

I hit my head against the wall. Once. Twice. Three times. Before I finally fall down onto the bedside, with blood seeping out of my head and—

It all turns black.

_Alive_

_There's nothing going to be left_  
December, 11, 2009  
**Drink**

When I've woken up, I roll over to my side and feel acid sloshing around in my stomach and I look down to the floor to see spluttered blood on the floor.

My throat's empty and acid burns down my throat.

I let my hand slide down my mouth because of shock. All that blood on the floor…?

I move my hand away when I see something red. I see blood dripping from my fingers, drying on my fingers and I look in confusion only to look down at see little droplets of blood rain falling.

I look towards the mirror.

Blood running from my mouth.

My heart feels burned and my head's all exploding. I let my head hit my bed as the blood runs down my mouth. I see the blood soaking my white bed.

I hear the sound of my door clicking.

"Ted, I'm sorry for disturbing you—"it's Randy's voice and then he stops before running over to me and picks me up, looking at me, with blood running down my mouth and I hold onto his neck, trying not to feel this dizzy.

"Ted! You're bleeding."

I stare at him, with my twitching body.

"It's okay…"

"No, it's not okay."

He presses his body against mine and holds me as I try to be better because truthfully, I fear Richards walking in on us as I stare at him, stare at him with a broken heart, shattered pieces of my body and I can't really breathe.

Randy brushes his hand through my hair.

I stare at him. "Oh, Randy…"

"What? Do you need anything?"

"No…"

My head presses against his chest.

I feel safe.

_I don't think anyone would care._

_What will happen to me?_  
December, 12, 2009  
**Like**

I've never wanted this to happen.

I'd rather die than see anyone suffer because of me.

I'd rather kill myself than have anyone I love getting hurt ever again.

Why isn't this like every romance story where the ones who marry will always love each other and they'll live happily ever after?

I'd rather burn alive than think of how lucky some people are.

Why am I not lucky?

Why am I so sad?

Why am I so suicidal?

I know the answers but the questions still burn into my head as the tears burn down my eyes. I'm just like this. It's always been like this. I've always been wrong. I've always been so very wrong.

Why do I have to choose?

It just hurts to think about it.

If you were given my choice, what would you have done? If I'm with Randy, the guilt will be ridding me—I know that he can do so much better than me. I know that he should. I know that I'll just be a little broken doll for him to fix and once he's fixed it, he'll just play and play and play until he gets bored of me but I don't think that the pieces of me will stay on very long.

Richards is different. Richards refuses to break. He hurts and likes to see pain and I'm full of it. He's sadistic and horrible and he likes watching me in pain. I endure the pain like it's nothing. And I don't feel so guilty with him around. Just scared but the feeling will go away eventually, won't it?

Why am I still so scared?

Why am I still so confused?

Why does this have to happen to me?!

_What will happen to my perfect happy ending?_

_I'm so trapped_  
December, 13, 2009  
**A**

I'm drowning in my own blood.

I'm choking on my broken smiles and I'm falling into my own deadly games and I'm suffocating under words of horror and sorrow and I can't really do anything about it but watch as he tells me that tomorrow will be the day I decide if I want to remember Randy or if I want to forget him.

It's still so hard and I don't think I can face up the truth but I think I'll pick forgetting Randy. After all, would you want to stay with a person who's scared you so hard? Would you want to stay with a person who you know you'll break too many times? I don't want to hurt him that way.

The smiles still haunt me.

And the horror still rakes through me.

And the pain still lingers.

It's all too much for me to handle.

I think I'm going to break soon.

A part of me insists that I've always been broken.

_I can't breathe._

_Shattered_  
December, 14, 2009  
**Stubborn**

I wait.

I wait with thoughts of horror and fear raking through me.

He wants me to drink again.

I look at him and stare with those eyes of me as I batter them. "I can't do this! I can't…please…"

He doesn't say another word.

I think it's over.

Yet it's never over.

The busted smiles haunt.

The broken promises linger.

The shattered dreams hurt.

_Will I ever be alright?_

_I don't think I'll just stay shattered  
_December, 15, 2009  
**Child**

The shock never leaves my face.

He takes me by my hand and stares at me. "You're drinking this damn cup, right now, DiBiase!"

I don't even have time to break before he shoves the acid down my throat and as I step back, feeling the impact of the acid running down my throat burn me on the inside. The acid burns thin skin even on the inside as I lean down towards the floor, my head spins and spins and spins and I can't even think about it.

I feel my eyes roll back in my head.

I feel the blood running down my mouth.

I feel my heart thumping with blood running from it. I feel the horror linger in my brain and never leave. Ever. I feel the agony burn inside of my body and I can't think and I can't love and it's like everything's been drained from my head.

"Remember," Richards clears his throat. "Randy Orton?"

I stare at him.

"Who?"

_They'll love breaking me.  
And they'd love breaking me harder._

**I know. It took me forever but it's really been hard for me to write this. I don't know why…lol.**

**Review?? **

**C'mon! You've reached this far and they'd been long chapters. I think they'll turn shorter though...this is taking up all of my energy.  
**

**;) Sam**


	16. Lifeless Lies

**And the next chapter… :)**

Chapter 15  
Lifeless Lies

_Shattered_  
December, 16, 2009  
**Lie**

The sun gleams.

It burns my skin.

The sky's blue and white.

I'm all navy and black.

Bruises. Pain. Hostile kisses.

The leaves are green.

They're laughing at me on the inside.

I sit up only to fall back down onto the bed and I feel as if I can't control my body, too as I look at Richards, blinking and staring, feeling and fearing, bleeding hearts and broken lives, and I walk towards the bathroom, showering as quick as I could, leaning towards the ground and slipping into thick, black clothing.

I don't know.

All this time—there's a feeling in me that tells me that something's missing, as if there's something that should've completed me, but I don't know what it is. I don't know. I feel empty what whatever it is.

But part of me insists that I've always been empty.

It's a hard feeling to describe.

I walk towards my room and sit down, snuggling into my bed as I feel a hand creeping up my shoulder and pushing me closer to him, 'are you always up this early?" he asks me, his voice sleek and smooth, with darkness covers and coating every inch of his words as I press my head deeper towards the white pillow.

Everything just doesn't have a color.

It's like all the colors are lost.

And there's nothing left…but blackness.

Dark blackness that's threatening to pull us both into a whirl of horror and agony and terror and I don't know why I just said us…is there someone else I know of that I've been dragging down with me in a hole?

Why am I so confused? Why do I feel like there's a missing part of me?

I try to shake the thoughts out of my head but it nags me, harder and harder, purging me into deep depression of black and darkness, of horror and terror, of fear and trauma, it's like the more I try to avoid it, the harder it purges me.

I don't know how much I've spent just trying to think.

I stand up, trying to walk but I feel something hit me. Something pricks me. It's quick but painful. I slip my hand towards the pockets of my jeans and look at it… _Peginterferon alfa-2a?_

A label rests on it.

**THEODORE DIBIASE JR. **  
_(Hep C patient)_

I try to digest this little piece of information that I've always known. Somehow. It's like my memories are crumpled by each other. They just don't make sense anymore. I look up as Richards walks towards me and rips the syringe away from my hands and looks at it. "Hepatitis?"

I nod my head, staring at him, blankly.

He presses me down under the bed and punctures me to my wrist. "Can't have you sick," he says, walking off, leaving the syringe on the floor and I look at my hands, bleeding, bleeding drastically.

I don't really care anymore.

I take the syringe and walk towards the drawer, opening it and throwing it there before I realize how the blood's staining everything I touch. I rip the short sleeve of my t-shirt and lean back down onto my bed, wrapping the sleeve around my hand and staring as the blood stains the piece of cloth harder.

I pretend not to care but the blood is pooling still.

I walk down, trying not to think about it, as I feel his hand take my arm and press me against the wall, holding me down instantly, even though a part of me thinks that I can fight him—can I?

A aqua liquid's in his hands.

He presses it down to my neck and I stare at him. My mind's screaming but my body's so detached from my mind that I'm standing still as he steps back. "There," he says and I have an urge to ask him why he hit me with that but I don't.

I stare at the aqua liquid and my heart starts to thump in my chest.

It reminds me of water.

It just isn't.

"Why?"

"I'll tell you later."

It's my body and he won't tell me what he's put in it? It's expected. That's what my body says but my mind's screaming. Confused. Completely fizzled out and confused as I walk towards the chair and sit down.

He shoves a bowl of porridge towards me, and I look at it before shaking my head. "You're eating that, skinny bitch."

I look down at my body but no. I'm the opposite of the word he used. I'm bloated. Absolutely bloated.

I shake my head and shove the bowl towards it.

"You don't eat that. You'll probably die by the end of the week."

I shake my head again, trying not to think about it as I stand up and fall down almost instantly. I look up at him. "Is that what that stuff was?" I ask, as I struggle to stand up but fall back down.

"No. This is because you don't eat anything. Let me put this in simple terms. With food, you can function. Without it, especially for this long, your brain cannot function…at all. You're lucky I even like you. Anyone who looks at you right now will scream."

I nod my head again as I press my head towards my knees, curling up into a ball seems so expected of me as I stare at him.

"I can't believe I have to do this."

"_If he touches you ever again…"_

He takes my arms and pulls me to my feet, making me want to fall off as I adjust to the voice in my head…it sounds very, very familiar, but at the same time, it's also a stranger's voice. He pushes me towards the chair and forces me to eat. Again and again, making my stomach slosh and my mind protest.

"Stop! Please!"

My words are nothing to him.

Two voices inside of my head. _They're all against you, aren't they?_

"_Don't listen…"_

One I'm used to. It's my eating disorder voice. The other…it's familiar but a stranger's. It really is. I try to probe through my head but it's like I can't access the memory. No matter how hard I tried.

"I need to put you into therapy."

I stare at him.

I don't really care.

It's just that the voice…so familiar…

Why don't I recognize it? Why is that memory blocked from my head?

_Why am I not alive anymore?_

_I've tried_  
December, 17, 2009  
**To**

I hate therapy.

It's like they're trying to take away the only thing I can control. The only thing I can control is my body. My head's all messed up. My life's all messed up. It's the only thing I can control and they're taking it away from me.

Why does everyone hate me…?

"Theodore. That's your name, right?"

I nod my head as I sit down onto a cot and look straight at my therapist. She's around thirty-something and she's blonde, with streaks of brown hair, and her flesh's a mixture of pale and peach.

"Okay, Theodore. Listen to me. Says here you've been suffering for anorexia for about two to three months, is that correct?"

I slowly nod my head but I'm too unsure.

I want this to be over so I can control in my head. Being in therapy makes me feel as if there's something horribly wrong with me. I don't want to feel that way. I already know that I'm broken.

Why does she try to fix me?

I know that I can't be fixed.

I just can't be fixed.

It's just that way.

It's always been this way.

"Why do you think you've developed anorexia?"

"Because of my father's death. Then I figure out he doesn't even like me…" my voice's dull and broken. Dark and distorted, 'why do you care? I don't even know you."

I'm shocked at my own tone but it just pains me knowing that I have to open myself up to a person who does this all the time, who won't really care if I'm sick or I'm fine. This person just sees horror all the time. She won't care if I've tried to kill myself or if I've killed my parents or anything…

"And you've been restraining food because…?"

"Because it's the only damn thing I can control! I can't control my life. I can't control how I break or who breaks me. I can't control my own freaking mind and it's all to pieces…this is the only thing I can control…" the emotions just pour out. Even if I don't want them too. It's just another thing I can't control.

It happens when it happens.

At the end of the session, she looks at me with pretend to be sorrowful eyes as she reads her diagnosis from her clipboard.

"You have anorexia brought on by depression. In this case, you blame yourself for the things that happen around you, and you're restraining yourself from food because it's a slow, painful death and your brain believes that you should be dead."

"I don't want to get any better."

Knowing what or how or why I have my eating disorder doesn't make it go away. It doesn't make me want to get better. It just doesn't.

I don't want to recover.

I just don't.

I want to die.

I want to be driven over the edge.

Why are they trying to fix what always stays broken?

_To be alright._

_Why am I so incomplete?_  
December, 18, 2009  
**Me**

Lies.

They are so many lies in the world.

I'm lying to myself right now.

I say that I'll stay broken.

When the truth is: I'm shattered.

I say that I want to die.

When the truth is: I want to suffer.

Everything's just in black and white and I try to lie to myself that there's a color behind the gray lines and black clouds and white oceans.

I'm drowning.

I walk down the street, taking a cool bottle of water with me after Richards had shoved food down my throat again and it's like the world's all messy and broken and shattered and I feel as if they're not supposed to be that way.

Is there something wrong with my eyes?

Is there something wrong with me?

Then why do I see everything as if it's supposed to be in black, white and gray? Why do I break just by thinking?

My body bumps into another one's.

I look at it.

My heart thuds.

My head's spinning.

The eyes I look into are turquoise with a faint hint of gray overtaking them—sad eyes. The body I look into is tanned and muscular. The hair's dark. It's…

"Cody?"

"Ted?"

Cody instantly hugs me. "Oh, Randy and I missed you so much! We were completely _miserable_ without you."

He steps back and there's a trace of gleefulness in his eyes. A smudge of happiness and I don't know why I'm so important anymore.

"Randy?"

"Yes, Randy!"

Why do I always hear that name? Randy? I don't know anyone named Randy! Though a part of my head insists that I do.

He takes my hand and basically drags me from the happiness that's burning inside of his eyes.

I feel sad.

Knowing that I might break those eyes later on. That he might get hurt because of me. I don't know. It just hurts.

He takes me towards this guy named Randy.

His blue eyes.

His tan skin.

His smile.

It's all familiar…but nothing clicks. No memories. Nothing. Cody pushes me towards Randy who instantly takes me into his arms and kisses my forehead. "Oh, Ted…it's been horrible without you. I swear."

I look at him, confused and he seems to see that confusion because he asks me, 'is there something wrong, Ted?"

I shake my head.

He hugs me, and I look at him. "You're crushing me."

He lets go and I fall back down towards the ground as I take a deep breath and Cody helps me up, helping me as I slip down towards his body. Randy walks towards me and takes me from Cody's loose grip.

"Ted…there's something wrong, isn't there?"

I don't why I said it but it just slips off my tongue.

"I don't know who you are."

I wish I'd lied.

Because the truth…just breaks and hurts.

_Why am I so broken?_

**So Ted's reunited with Randy and Cody at the end…how long will it stay that way? Review?? I like reviews... :P Had to say something stupid, right??  
**

**;) Sam**


	17. Sickly Sweet

**Here's the other chapter. Sorry it took so long. This chapter was forced out of me. Notes at the end of the chapter to avoid confusion! :) And very big author's note at the end.  
**

Chapter 16  
Sickly Sweet

_Why am I so incomplete?_  
December, 18, 2009  
**Me**

I wish I lied.

I swear I do.

"What?" the voice's demanding and it breaks through my heart, making me scratch and bleed on the inside as I stare at him, stare at those eyes, stare at the anger and my heart thuds again.

"What do you mean you don't remember me, Teddy?" his voice's softer now.

I shut my eyes tighter as I try to find the words. I try to say what I'm feeling but I can't. It's almost as if there's something keeping me from saying that I don't remember him at all. "I don't know… a drink…Richards…" I try to remember it all but it's a fizzled out memory.

"That bastard!"

"Randy…"

It feels strange saying his name.

"That sadistic bastard! Did you drink it or did he force it or did he force you to drink? What did he do?"

"He forced me…"

"Ted? Why so scared?"

"It's you…"

Another senseless truth.

I shake my head, trying to shake the thoughts with it but they're glued to my head and I can't really do anything about it.

"Ted?"

"I'm sorry."

I run off.

It's just that I can't look at him. There's something about him that makes me feel emptier on the inside. Something that makes me feel completely and utterly worthless. It's there even if I try to ignore it.

I can't ignore it.

Just too much pain.

Just too much agony exploding.

My head's pounding.

And I don't know how to breathe.

And I don't think I can breathe.

There's just this feeling inside of me…that's making me feel as if he's better off without knowing me…as if I'd do anything not to know him…

I'm so confused.

_Why am I so broken?_

_Sometimes, you know you can't get filled up  
_December, 19, 2009  
**Convince**

They're trying to fill me up with food and liquid.

But just nothing can fill me up.

I know I'm empty and I know nothing can change that even if they tried. I know I'm empty because I don't have a soul and I still believe that my soul's on the other side of the mirror and I don't want to look into the mirror anymore to know about what I've lost. I've lost a lot of things.

Including my sanity.

I'm going insane on the inside.

I look down at my hand as I slip my broken ring in and out of my finger and I know that I'm actually going through this and I don't really care anymore as I let the pain sink inside of my body and I walk away from the room, letting the scent of the room roam around my body as I look towards the window again from where I stand.

From every angle, away or near, the blackness and the grayness and the whiteness of the world's right in front of me.

The white parts are slowly fading.

And the gray's darkening.

Nothing's left but black that way.

I miss all the colors of the world.

I miss being a color.

Now, I'm just black.

_Nothing's enough anymore._

_Whenever I move_  
December, 20, 2009  
**Me**

I lay on my stomach, on my bed, pressing my head to my pillow, thinking and watching as life passes me by and cripples me to no extent and I try not to think of Randy Orton but it's like he's my mind's obsession whether I like it or not and I try not to think and I've tried so hard not to think but I can't.

It's exploding in my head.

Thoughts, spluttered thoughts.

My thoughts of him.

I still think I'm better off without him.

I move away from bed to take a couple of pills before I slip back again and engulf myself in thoughts and I don't care what anyone says about me because they don't know how I feel and they don't know how painful this is…they don't know how it feels like to have paint throb in my stomach so hard. I hold onto my stomach and I'm all in tattered and ragged clothing and I don't even care because I feel tattered too.

_I leave a trail of red blood behind me._

_It's all so sickly sweet_  
December, 21, 2009  
**That**

I have trouble sleeping.

It's like my eyes are taped wide and I can't really close them. It's like I can't really open my eyes. It's horrible. It's so very horrible. I want to go to sleep. I banged my head on the wall until blood smeared but I just didn't go to sleep. I'm not asleep. I'm so wide awake. I'm so tired. I'm exhausted.

When I move to get a bottle of water, something scares me…it's like I can hear the beating of my heart. Over and over. So quick. And I didn't even move around much. It's scary. Even when I lie back down towards my bed, I feel it surge, a rush, quick, unsteady, uncontrolled heartbeats…

I'm so cold. So very cold.

It's like I'm living on ice. No amount of thick sheets can make that feeling go away. It's stuck with me. It's plunging me down. It's staring me so very much and I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to know why nothing really makes sense anymore.

It's scaring me.

I want to go home.

Where's home?

Where am I?

Why can't I breathe anymore…?

I am so hungry.

I've never really acknowledged the feeling much because it's not there. But now, I'm just so very hungry. I want and need to eat but at the same time, the voices inside of my head prevent me from eating anything. I feel so numb. I feel so hungry. I feel so empty. I want to fall asleep.

Nausea burns through me. Nausea just rolls through my brain. Nausea just explodes through my body.

I'm so depressed. So very sad.

Tears cascading down my eyes.

So tired.

So exhausted.

Whenever Richards would come inside of the room, I'd go into a ballistic rage. I want to be left alone. I want to be alone. They won't let me. I want to think. I need to breathe. I don't want to mess up everything anymore.

I can't process my thoughts.

I've been staring.

Eyes twitch.

I don't know what I'm staring at.

Frozen. Eye twitch.

"What in hell's name?!"

Too frozen.

I feel him shake me into reality, his eyes are staring at me, dark and horrid and my heart's pulsing through my veins. Hot red blood. I just don't understand who he is. I just don't understand who he is at all.

"Theodore?"

"Who?"

It's confusing me. Dazing me.

I don't do anything anymore.

_I can't handle the nausea._

_My heart's in my hands_  
December, 22, 2009  
**I've**

I'm tired. I'm so very tired.

I'm stuck inside of this state and I don't know how to get out of it. I've taken pills called ethosuximide (spelling, please, book?) and I can't move. I seriously cannot move. It's like these pills are paralyzing me. Whatever Richards (I think that's his name) shoves in my mouth is just seriously tasteless.

I want to run out of here or something.

Just that I can't move.

I'm bleeding and tired and nauseous and somehow…I don't even care. If no one cares, then why should I?

_I crush it._

_I'm trembling._  
December, 23, 2009  
**Been**

It scares me.

The fear is raking me. The fear is burning inside of me. There's no way I can escape it. There's no way I take it…I just want to die. I think I need to breathe. My thoughts are all on Randy Orton but I try to push him away and I realize I can't. I get his text messages more than fifteen times in one hour and I'm worried about him because I'm not worth it. Why's he so persistent?

What's he fighting for? Me?

There's always something better than me.

I'm sorry I don't write much anymore…I'm just so tired…the pain is so horrible. I'm trying to convince myself that I've been sick all the time.

That way, I wouldn't care if I was sick or if I wasn't, right? But it's still haunting me. The thoughts. The horror. I want to sleep. I really want to go to sleep but I don't think even Punk can do it anymore and Richards (the man is scaring me) is telling me that the treatment I had been getting had actually made me worse.

I can't be fixed. I can't be cured.

I'm all broken.

And miserable.

And all I want to do is take my last breath.

I stand up, trying to walk and ignore the overwhelming, exploding pain and as I walk towards Richards' lab (I think he told me not to touch his things?) I don't know. I just want to walk around. I feel so stiff. I feel so much of a statue. I sit down onto his table and look at one of a silver device and stare at it.

"THEODORE!?"

I jump up and let the think shock me…

I fall back down onto the floor and feel hands on me, and those blue eyes, staring at me, "hold on, Ted…" Randy's eyes are spilling tears and I hold onto his shoulder and it's like I'm dying…

Am I dying…?

I can't be dead, can I…?

_I can't escape fear._

_Tired of everything_  
December, 24, 2009  
**Sick**

And here I am.

In this black endless void.

At the back of my head and I can't really get out.

I'm stuck here and his voice is haunting.

I want to go back. Fix my mistakes.

I can't.

I'm stuck here.

Forever.

_I want to fall asleep…forever._

_Lost_  
December, 25, 2009  
**Forever**

And I'm gone forever.

I'm sorry.

Lost.

I'm so very lost.

I can't get out.

I'm trapped.

No doors.

Nothing.

Just blackness.

Randy…I'm sorry…

_I'm gone forever…_

_**NOTE**_**: Ted had an absence seizure when he forgot Richards. Absence seizures can temporarily produce memory loss. In absence seizures, people just stare into space and their eye twitch and they remain like that for a few seconds. When they lapse back, they produce memory loss.**

**Anyways, this chapter was pretty hard to write.**

**I don't know if it was hard to read. But definitely hard to write. And is this the end?**

**Review and hope this isn't the end.**

**;) Sam**


	18. Always Appalled

**HA! No ending!**

**I guess I don't want it to end either.**

**I'll try to make this story as long as I can! I miss it. I really do. Even after one day of trying to come to terms that it might be over, I can't take it. I love this story!! :)**

Chapter 17  
Always Appalled

_Sickened_  
December, 26, 2009  
**And**

Blackness burned.

The blackness burning in my head, the colors are lost, the—everything's lost. Everything's gone. And I'm lost in it. Forever. There's no way out and there's no way in and as I've lost the feeling of my entire body, so numb, and I don't feel like I can ever feel anything ever again. It's like I'm completely unfeeling.

Icy skin.

Now, that I'm done telling my story, book, I don't know what to do. I'm scared. No, I'm petrified. I have no idea how to get out of here. It's all black. Just black. Nothing else. I don't know how demons and ghosts possess people's bodies when it's supposed to be like this. When they're stuck in here.

No doors.

No memories.

Nothing.

I'm lost in oblivion.

It's very scary.

I lay my head back onto the black floor and then hear something. A faint voice. I look around, trying to find something but there's nothing there and I think it's my imagination playing with me…

Imagination?

Can't I imagine anything anymore?

I feel a body fall into the blackness. I twist my head to try and register the body—the face—the—Randy?! My heart thuds as I crawl towards him, shaking his body. "Randy?" my voice is so soft but even though, it hurts my throat.

"Randy!"

It hurts to talk.

I shake him, trying to shake him awake and his eyes reluctantly flutter open, I hear him groan as he grabs onto my waist and presses me towards his body, groaning once again before he registers the sight in front of my eyes. "Ted, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah…why?"

I know this part of the story before he'd even say it. He zapped himself in my head, just so he can get me out? I don't know. But what I do know is that we won't survive long in my head. No food. No water. Nothing but a dry throat and an empty stomach.

"Ted. I won't let you get hurt."

"And you? What about you? Randy, you can't always risk your life for mine."

I stop.

I just remembered…

Oh Randy…

"You remember?"

I slowly nod my head. "But it's useless now! You can't live in my head, Randy! There's nothing in here…no memories. No thoughts. Nothing."

Randy looks around, grabbing onto my waist and pulling me close to him, letting his hand run against my hair. "Listen," his voice is soft, so very soft. "We can do this, okay? We can get your memories back, can't we? We make them with every second we breathe…can't we make something of this?"

"I don't know."

It's all so confusing.

I don't know if I can make any memories. My eyes are shut tight in another world. And Randy's…Randy's laid down next to me in another world. That leaves—"Randy, what happens to Cody?"

"I—I told him that it'll be okay. I assured him that we're going to get out of here and we are going to get out of here, Ted."

"What if we're stuck here forever?"

"I won't let that happen. That's why I'm here."

I don't believe him.

But I want to.

_It burns through my stomach._

_Horrified_  
December, 27, 2009  
**All**

"Okay, Ted, you can do this."

He believes that because it's my mind. I can control it. But he doesn't understand that my mind's detached from my body and I can't really think. I can't really breathe. I can't really do anything anymore.

These parts of me are ripped.

No pieces left.

Nothing's left.

I close my eyes and try to make up anything.

But I live in a world that's so black that any color I paint in it is so hidden. I can't smear anything over black. I can't put anything over black. Black covers and hides everything and anything. "Please, Randy!"

It hurts to try and think this way.

I'm numb so it adds a lot of pressure to my head and it makes me feel pain all over again. It's agonizing. It's so very agonizing.

"Ted! Stop it!"

I feel Randy grab onto my shoulders and shake me as I open my eyes and look at Randy who's eyes are holding back tears.

"Ted…you're bleeding…"

"How—?"

"Your thoughts, Ted. You're not concentrating on making memories. You're concentrating on killing yourself."

"I-I'm sorry!"

Stuttering and spluttering my words out, I stare as Randy presses me harder against his body. "Ted…I won't let you hurt yourself. Until you get any happier, I'm not letting you think. I won't risk losing you."

I look away. "Why do you like me? I don't even like me!"

I just don't understand this.

How can he love pieces of a mirror when he can love an entire whole mirror? How can he love a bleeding heart when he can love a beating, mended one? How…?

…_I'm so scared._

_Shocked_  
December, 28, 2009  
**Of**

I'm living a nightmare.

I'm with Randy yet all I can feel is like I'm trapped into a nightmare. Everything's so confusing. I can't make up any colors or thoughts or memories that don't involve me getting hurt. I try to push the thoughts away. I really do but I can't. I can't push away any of my thoughts.

I can't push away any of this horror I live in.

I can't.

"Ted, I'm scared for you. Whenever I wake up or anything, I find out that you're bleeding from somewhere—anywhere. Ted, this is not healthy for you. I need to help you away from these thoughts…how can I make you happy?"

"I've been trying to answer that question for so long."

"Teddy…"

"I'm sorry you threw away your life for mine."

"If I was in your place, you would've done it for me."

"I'm scared."

"I'm here."

He brushes the blood away from my lips and holds onto my body, running his hand through his hair. "I'd do anything to try and make this better for you."

"I'd do anything to try and get you out of here."

_Nightmares flooding through my head._

_Revolted_  
December, 29, 2009  
**This**

Nausea.

Head spinning.

Holding onto Randy.

As the headache from Hell collapses me.

Nothing to do.

But stare into those eyes.

And hope for the best.

"I want to get better, Randy…"

_I'm burning on the inside._

**I love this story and I don't want it to end.**

**At least let me try to make a happy ending. Lol. :) Reviews??**

**;) Sam**


	19. Murderous Medicine

**An update for you guys! I hope it's good.**

**Ted: ... this is seriously sad.**

**When is it not?  
**

Chapter 18  
Murderous Medicine

_I can't remember anything_  
December, 30, 2009  
**Will**

Sometimes, you're lost in the middle of the road and you just wonder which way you should and God, I've always chosen the wrong way of two roads, haven't I? Oh, Ted, you don't know how to choose the way out, do you?

I'm trapped inside of here and Randy's trapped too even if he doesn't deserve to be in this much pain. I've made him throw away his life, his everything, just so he can try and make me happy even if nothing can make me happy and that's just making me feel empty with guilt throbbing through my head at the thought of him breaking all because of my selfish need. I need him. I truly do. Why'd he have to know that I did need him? He can't change how I feel. He can't change the guilt that'll always reside in my body because of what I did. Because of how I hurt him.

I'm trapped inside of here and Randy's trapped inside of me and he just wants to figure me out but he doesn't know that it's all so simple. I'm a broken boy and I've always been one and everyone knows that if you pick up pieces of glass, you risk getting cut too, that's what I did. I cut him. I cut him into pieces too until we're both empty with nothing. I can't handle the fact. I can't think of it that way. I'd do anything to make this stop.

I'd still wake up and be bleeding from my head or between my legs or down my back and Randy can't stop it from happening and sometimes, he'd just watch me sleep and shake me awake whenever he'd see me bleeding and I'm so tired of having him take care of me because I've ruined his life and he doesn't deserve this at all and why does he still keep up with me?

I'm now into Randy's arms who's falling asleep and his soft breath falls from his perfect soft lips and I let my hands wrap around his neck as I run my hand through his neck, seeing his hands hold onto my waist as his body presses against the black ground of my mind and he's the most peaceful thing in the world, the sweetest, most peaceful thing in the world. I feel his body tense as his eyes flutter open and his hand runs through my hair, "oh, Teddy…" his voice's so soft as he kisses my mouth, soft and sweetly and then pulls back when he realizes that but I hold onto his shoulders and shake my head.

"No, kiss me," I urge him and I have his mouth press against mine again as we embrace and kiss, a real kiss, and I don't care about where we are or how we are and as he grips onto my body as he kisses my forehead, and my face. "I'm yours," I whisper into his ear and he grips harder onto my body and nods his head.

"You're mine," he presses his forehead to mine and my heart thuds fast. "Don't do this to yourself, Teddybear. I can't bare watching you hurt yourself."

"I don't-don't know how to stop," I bite my lower lip, feeling myself shake, and feeling his hot breath on my face, 'I don't know how to stop, Randy. I swear. My thoughts are always the same. I can't change them."

"Why? Why do you hurt yourself? You know you don't deserve this," Randy says and his voice's so soft, so sweet that my heart thuds even harder. It's like I'm in a dream. He can't be here, can he? It all feels like a dream except for his touch—his touch, his kiss, his love—it's all so real. "You don't deserve this, Ted."

"I do! I do! I deserve it…"

His hand glides to my cheek, feeling the cold flesh of him press against my hotter flesh, and my eyes are staring into his eyes. I know he doesn't believe it but I do. It's the only thing that I do believe. That I deserve the pain that's burning inside of me. I deserve the pain that's horribly throbbing through my heart.

"I…"

My voice's soft as I collapse into his arms. Falling asleep. "Oh, Ted…" his voice's breaking harshly. "Ted…"

_I'm such a mess, baby._

_The sunshine's blinding_  
December, 31, 2009  
**Make**

I don't want to think about him but I always end up thinking about him. I always end up thinking about his beautiful body, about his perfect teeth and his glistening blue eyes that hypnotize me and I know that I'm awake when I'm in pain and I know that I'm asleep when I'm in his arms but I don't know why I feel this way and I know that the pain just makes me feel real and I want to be real…after all, how can you love anything dead? How can he love me? I just don't understand anything. He's so perfect and I'm too broken. He's too perfect and I'm too shattered. How can he love anything that's dead? So dead, so very dead, baby…

_The darkness is horrid._

_Anger just blazes into_  
December, 32, 2009  
**Sense**

I'm angry. I'm so very angry at myself for thinking about Randy, for thinking that I may deserve him because I don't and I know I don't and I know that he doesn't deserve to be in pain for my stupid mistake and I know that he doesn't deserve to be in agony for my horrible mistake and he doesn't deserve to be in desolation for my dark mistake and my anger's turned into a fire inside of me and-and-"Ted! Please, wake up! You're-you're bleeding!"

And -and-I'm burning into the fire inside of my body and there's nothing left inside of my body and I'm so very empty all over again and-and-

"TED!" I feel him shake me and shake me and shake me.

_A fire._

_Cold fire_  
December, 33, 2009  
**When**

Randy runs his hand through my chest, pressing my body towards his and tears are running down his eyes and my heart's breaking and bleeding and I just can't understand how he can love me and I know that he just feels sad for me and that's the only reason he's in love with me but a part of me just believes that twinkle in his eyes—a part of me just gives in and believes that he's in love with me as the fire inside of me turns to ice and I feel like solid blood's in my body.

Randy kisses my forehead and tells me that I look perfect. I only stare into those eyes and shake my head, "Randy, you need to eat."

He laughs, "Teddy, I've been telling you that forever."

We'll die without food and languish without it and my throat's so dry and I'm finally hungry but this time we can't eat because my mind's resistant of food and we're going to die without food as Randy takes my shirt and fixes it and I hold onto my wrists and I bore into those eyes of his, those perfect eyes of his, 'touch me."

"Ted, please, you had an image of me raping you. I won't hurt you." Randy tells me and I shake my head and look down at my feet and he lifts my head and I shake my head, letting the tears burn and spill from my eyes and God, I feel the fire burn inside of my body and it's igniting so hard that I feel like I'm no skin and no blood.

"You think I'm ugly, don't you?" the tears are harder, are burning through my skin so hard that it sinks inside of my skin and he wipes my tears away but they just keep falling and my heart's bleeding and breaking and breaking so very hard and bleeding so harsh that I can't take it.

"No!" Randy grips onto my shoulder and I shake my head and Randy softly runs my hand through my cheek and my heart's beating softly into my chest and he kisses me, trying to convince me otherwise. "Theodore, you're beautiful. I swear you are. I just don't want to hurt you if I do anything with you."

"Randy…"

"Theodore," his voice's thick with pain. "Stop thinking this way. You're beautiful. You're mine. You're Ted…I love you…"

_Ice cold._

_Darkness just breaks me_  
December, 34, 2009  
**I**

He's asleep and I'm still in his arms and there's nothing for us anymore and we're both starving and we're both unable to breathe in this stupid space of my head and-and-why is he here? I've always wondered why he has to suffer and I just wait for me to collapse because I now know that I look like a skeleton and I'm not eating and there's nothing left in me at all as I try to think up some food but my mind's screaming and screaming and I want that stupid voice to go away because I want to fix it all for Randy. Fix it all…for Randy.

_Into nothing._

_How can you love me_  
December, 35, 2009  
**Get**

I feel so very horrible and I finally got some food into this realm, waking up Randy to the scent of—I don't know what it really smells like—but Randy eats anyways and he offers every two bites but I just shake my head and as I look out into the vast blackness, I feel a hand on my shoulder and he puts a piece of meat inside of my mouth and I just freeze—this all reminds me of Richards—and as he shakes me, "Ted? Ted?"

I look at him and my heart is broken and all I want to do is break and burn. "Ted?!"

"I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm-"I stutter and look into those eyes of his, 'I'm-I'm-Richards used to shove food down my…throat…"

"Oh," realization hits Randy as he shakes his head. "I'm sorry…it's just that I don't want you to die just because of anorexia. No. I'm sorry, Theodore. Can you make any more food for yourself?"

I look down at the floor and shake my head. "I deserve to die."

He holds onto my shoulders and presses me towards me, and I feel his tears burn down towards my eyes and it's scaring the hell out of me because I've made Randy cry most of the time now, just because of my reluctance to get better, just because I know that I don't deserve to be better at all and as he runs my hand down my back, 'oh, Theodore, I love you. I don't want you to get hurt, you know that. But you need to eat. I can't stand thinking that you might die because of this. I can't stand thinking that I might've saved you."

"No one can save me…"

_When I can't love anyone?_

_I want to die_  
December, 26, 2009  
**better**.

Will this all make sense when I get better? Will I ever feel any better? I'm in his arms and I know that he loves me though everything's still broken and I've always been broken and I don't know how to fix myself or fix him and everything's just so confusing and I want him…I want Randy to fix this all…I want the pain to go away. It hurts so very much. Randy was my medicine, he fixed me and the same time, he burned me. He cured me and he hurt me. I-I don't want to be hurt even more. Randy, make the pain go away…please…

_Because I don't deserve to live._

**Review??**

**;) Sam**


	20. Blurred Brain

**Okay, as you know, the story…:P**

Chapter 19  
Blurred Brain

_Sometimes, you feel like everything's unclear_  
December, 27, 2009  
**But I know the difference**

When I open my eyes, I see that the blackness has been blurred with patches of gray and white and as Randy opens his eyes, he's instantly confused as he lets his hand touch a gray patch and it shocks him into nothing as he grabs onto my body and I instantly feel the surge of electricity burn through me as Randy stares at me in confusion. "Your head…your thoughts…" he stutters and I look all around me, staring and finding nothing, and my head's all confused and I'm all so very scared. He looks around the place and the blackness is blurring into nothing but gray and white and he stands up as he carries me into his arms, "those things…they're shocking us." He's limping and carrying me and the way he looks at me, so very beautifully.

"I don't know what to do," I respond as Randy gets shocked so hard that he falls back down onto the ground with my cradled into his arms and I look around and try to find a patch of comforting black but no, it's all white and gray and it's all snowflakes and tears and as we're shocked, with pain surging through us, I stare into his eyes and see him bite down his lip. "Ted! Please! Do something!"

It's my head but I don't know how to control it and I don't want to watch Randy cripple in pain from my horrid imagination and as we scream and as I try to make it all go away, he grips onto me tighter and kisses my forehead and the look into his eyes says that he doesn't blame me as the surge of electricity fades and our bodies become numb and when I look down towards where the gray and white are supposed to be, I find blankets and blankets of snow there instead and I stand up, helping Randy stand up as well and as our eyes look at the snowy atmosphere. The gray colors are all in the sky and the numbness still lingers as the coldness burns and Randy's eyes are so beautiful as they look at me, stare right through me.

"Thank you," he whispers, as he kisses me, a hard, sweet kiss that makes my heart flutter and I feel like I'm flying as he pulls apart, his hand on my shoulder and his legs entwined with mine and suddenly, the numbness doesn't matter and I'm drowning into those eyes of his and he makes me feel so lost on the inside, so very empty little Theodore who can't be filled as I twist my head around and I walk off, know feeling the cold air burn through our skin. I can feel Randy following me without a word escaping his lips and as I stop by a iced pond. My heart burns.

It's so beautiful.

The color of the pool, icy blue with bits of purple and white glistening off the surface, icy blue colors, and as I step into the center of the ice cold water and feel the rigid wind burn onto my face, as Randy steps beside me and holds onto my shoulder, pressing me close to him. "Would you like to dance, Teddy?"

I turned around and gave him a playful smile as I nodded my head and I watched as he placed my hands around my neck because he of all people know that I'm not a very good dancer at all and he puts my hand around my waist pulling me close to him and the ice coldness of our bodies just start a blazing inferno between us as he starts moving and I instantly step on his foot. "Theodore! You suck at this!" he laughs and I scowl at him, smacking the back of his neck.

"You know when I used Richards' device to get in here, I don't regret it and I still don't regret it. You're my angel, Teddy. My Teddybear." He holds onto my cheek, cupping it in his hand and the way his blue eyes glisten into the gray sky, the way the gray has patches and patches and slants of blue streaking through them, my heart thuds and my mind races and all I can do is stare into his eyes. "This is our world… I love being here. Because truth be told, I don't care where we are, as long as I'm here with you…"

"You can't mean that, Randy-"

He presses his lips to mine and grips onto me tighter and it's so unexpected that I fall down onto the cold, cracked ice and he doesn't really care that it's so cold that we're burning into our own inferno as we shake and kiss, our bodies entangled, our eyes staring at each other, our faces pale, our hearts beating and I just won't believe it as the sky of my mind sparkles blue and the sunshine rays finally gleam and Randy stops kissing me just to stare, running his hand through my neck.

By the time I look back at Randy, he's curled up to sleep and his hand's gripping onto mine and from his face, I can tell that he's refusing to let me go and my heart, bit by bit, finally accepts that Randy's just right for me but I still feel empty and I still feel numb as I lay my head onto Randy's stomach—but-but Randy's here to make the pain go away, isn't he? He's here to take me away from this horrible, horrible blackness of my head so that I can have happy memories, right? So that we can live here as if it's our fantasy, not our worst nightmare? Maybe that's all I've ever been to him. A tool he uses so that I can be useful for once…

In the middle of my sleep, as the blue skies of my head turns from navy, the color darkens and darkens as my thoughts darken and worsen and my head's pounding and my heart's exploding and-and-what will happen now? I grab onto Randy's hand and hope that nothing will happen and just when I'm about to sleep, I feel the ice beneath me break and we both fall into the cold water where the coldness just ignites a spark of fire inside of me and all I can do is feel the burning fire spark harder and harder and I grab onto Randy's hand and he holds onto me… and-and… I realize that…that…

I'm the reason we're both dying in this cold water.

Why hadn't I kept my thoughts secure? Why did I have to pull him into this mess? Why can't I be normal?

_My life's unclear.  
I'm unclear._

**Fluff/angst. That's good enough, right? C'mon! Review?? Pwease?  
**

**;) Sam**


	21. Remember Reality?

**More Ted/Randy fluff/angstness. What can you do about it?  
**

Chapter 20  
Remember Reality?

_Remember our reality? Our legacy?_  
December, 28, 2009  
**Between myself and my reflection**

Randy holds onto the ice cold edge as he pokes his head out and holds onto my wrist and he pulls himself up, pulling me up and I'm shaking and shivering and I hold onto Randy's body as the coldness burns so hard that I feel so very numb and I lock my eyes to his, crying into his chest, my tears burning into my face, letting the coldness fade and die away from my face but the rest of my body's all empty and numb and I'd do anything to fill myself up. "Why does this always happen? When I'm happy and satisfied, this just happens. Why can't I be happy, Randy?"

Randy's fingers lift my chin and he looks right at me, right into my eyes, I can feel him as he tenses and holds onto me, carrying me towards what looks like my house and laying me down onto the couch, rubbing my hair as he sits onto the couch and as I shake my body, shivering and trembling, and then I feel a cool, warm green blanket wrap around my body as Randy kisses my forehead. "I can't feel anything."

It's so scary and I feel so very dead as Randy pulls me into his arms and rubs my back. "It's going to be okay."

"I really can't feel anything."

So numb. So very numb.

It's scary because I feel like a corpse. No emotions in my body. Not pain. Not rage. It's like I'm dead. I don't feel alive at all. It's like what I'm watching isn't real. It's as if I'm really in a dream. It's horrible. It's frightening. It's nerve-wrecking. And all I can do is watch this and not do anything about it. I try to keep my thoughts happy but most of them are bitter. I'm happy…am I not?

I want to be happy.

"I want to feel something, Randy…"

Being unable to feel anything is just so very horrible. Being unable to feel anything at all is just so very terrible. The coldness just fades but there's no fire, there's no coldness, and I still can't feel Randy move around me as I hold onto his shoulder, "Randy, please, just touch me…I need to feel something," I whisper, pressing my head to his chest.

He stares at me. "Ted, what if I hurt you?"

"I want to be hurt. I want to feel something. I hate being numb, Randy. I don't want to feel dead." I tell him and he leans down towards me and captures my lips into a kiss. But as I suspect, just nothing. It's like he's doing nothing at all even if he's moving his tongue around my mouth, I just can't feel it.

My reflection now looks more real than I could have.

I pull away and suddenly feel thoughts of reality plunge me down, thinking, I'm living in my head right now with Randy Orton, and I don't know how to control my own head and I wonder how are we going to get out of here and I just truly want to get out of here, and what if I do wake up from my blackened state?

"_Randy? Teddy?"_

Cody's voice.

My heart thuds into my chest but it's barely a surge as Randy grips onto me from glee that there's a chance that we're going to get out of here and I want to get out of here too. I'm too trapped into my head, my own horrible, horrible thoughts that cannot be changed and I know that the only way I can make this ride out better is if I have nicer thoughts, the problem is that I don't have optimistic thoughts about life anymore.

"_I'm going to help you…okay? I can just find out a way…I think…are you both okay? Oh right, I can't hear you."_

Randy looks down at me, as I look up at him, and no words escape our mouths but the thought of Randy and I getting out of here, going back to our real lives, just makes me feel better and from the twinkle in Randy's eyes, I know that it makes him happy too as I lock him into a kiss, a beautiful kiss that makes our hearts explode. I'm still numb but he makes my heart melt, pain or no pain.

"Rest now, okay, Teddy?"

He walks away and wraps me into another green blanket, running his hand through my hair, he smiles, "I'm going to go fall asleep. If you need me, I'll be just on the other couch, okay, baby?"

I nod my head as I rest my head down onto the pillow, snuggling deep into it, and smelling the sweet scent of freedom. I don't even like my head anymore. And in the middle of my sleep, my eyes flutter open to pull the blankets closer, feeling like the blankets aren't keeping me warm enough, I shiver and the more I tried to go to bed, the more I can't and as I bite down onto my lower lip, feeling a hand on my shoulder and only looking up to see Randy's soft blue eyes as I melt into them like he makes my heart melt and he sits down beside me, pulling me to his lap, running his hand through my hair.

He wraps the blanket around me and pulls me close to his sweating body and the way he makes me feel warm, makes me melt as he rubs my back sweetly. I feel the hot tips of his hands just glide down my back and I finally fall asleep into his warm arms.

**In the next chapter, Teddy finds a way to get out of his own head. :) Hope it sounds good enough. Review, please. **

**;) Sam**


	22. Restless Reflection

**Like I said, Teddy finds a way out! :)**

Chapter 21  
Restless Reflection

_Sometimes, even the mirror has secrets_  
December, 29, 2009  
**I just can't help but to wonder**

Sometimes, even the mirror has secrets.

It's a reflection of who I really am.

Cracked skin. Dull hair. Chapped lips. Pale body. Bleeding hearts and broken dreams and shattered promises.

Nothing really worth loving.

I stand there, looking into the reflection of a person I know I hate and I don't know how to shake it off as I feel Randy's arms hold onto me, pressing me close to his body and the scent of his mouth is of Cheerios and hot milk, as he kisses my cheek while I stare at my reflection. "You look beautiful, Ted."

How can he not see the mess I truly am? Is he blind? Am I blind? Why can't I see anything beautiful when I look into the mirror? I feel Randy's arms wrap around my waist as he pulls me close to him, kissing my forehead and then kissing my lips, and in that moment, he decides. "Let's do it, Teddy."

Right now, I'm not so sure. It's like when I've seen myself in the mirror; I've seen what he should never have. I'm not worthy enough of him. I've never been worthy enough of him and he knows it more than I do but he still feels sorry for me. I feel him hold onto my waist and pull me towards a bed close by.

I watch him grin as he discards his clothes and as his hand move up to take off mine, my heart flutters in my chest. The next few moments are a blur to me, he kisses my mouth, my body, but it's still a blur to me. As if it's not supposed to happen. Shattered pieces of a mirror. And he pushes inside of me, I bite my lip as he runs his hand down my back, "is there something wrong, Teddybear?"

_After two minutes, he's fallen to the floor and with me on top of me, kissing me, refusing to let me breathe and I feel so breathless as oxygen becomes my only want and need as he strips me and soon, we're both just skin on skin, clothes on the floor and I feel like I'm being raped._

"N-no, finish," I stutter as he reluctantly goes back to thrusting in and out of me, his hot body pressing against my now warm one…part of me realizes that I really don't deserve Randy. He's too good for me. He's too quirky. Too sweet. He holds me, pulling me close into his arms, and kisses my forehead, "Ted?" he finally asks when I don't make another sound. It's—it's—

_I stare as he moves up and looks at me, "pretty little Teddybear, I'm sorry." Sorry? After he's finished? I stare at him, he's so perfect and I know it but he's hurt me…now, I'm scared of being with Randy._

I shake my head and try to make the thoughts go away, but they keep haunting me as I move to wear my clothing. Hating that I've been exposed, even if it's just so that he can touch me, and as I slip into my clothing and lean back, being captured by his hands, and letting his hand run down my back, "something wrong, Teddy?"

"N-no." I stutter again.

"You're imagining that-that rape scene again in your head, aren't you?" from Randy's voice, I can tell that he's hurt.

"Yes!"

My voice sounds so drained out of place, so cracked and broken, just like I feel on the inside, a reflection as his hands go towards my waist and pull me close and he knows that this is no time for 'I told you so's and every touch makes me feel like he hates me and wants me dead, it's horrible. So very horrible. I should've listened to Randy. Am I not the craziest, stupidest person ever?

"Leave me alone, Randy."

"Ted, you should've stopped me."

"I can't! I was afraid you'd get mad at me!"

Randy's face turns pale and rigid. "I am mad at you." He says, his voice darkening slightly and I nod my head, as I run my hand through my hair and pretend like it doesn't matter when I truly feel as if my whole world's falling to pieces. "You should've stopped me, Teddy. I can't risk hurting you."

"You are hurting me," I said with a cracked voice.

"Then I have to go my separate way, don't I? Seems to me whenever I try to make anything better, I end up making it worse," he says and as he ruffles my hair and kisses my nose, "I'm sorry, Ted."

"No, please, don't go!"

"You'll be thanking me later, baby," he whispers as he walks away from the room I'm in and my body's so rigid and cold as I sit there, trying to register what's happened as my head twists towards the wall as I look at the mirror, and there's a broken piece on the floor. It's just horrible. Seeing the piece on the floor. Shatter. Like I was. One piece fell off and the other will be easy. I grab onto the piece on the ground, cutting through my finger as I stand towards the mirror as my eyes catch the sight of something—something at where the piece of glass has been gone—a piece of reality.

"_Doctor? Ted's hand is moving."_

Pieces of this mirror…when broken…take me to the other world. Take me back to reality. It's like a doorway.

But Randy…

I don't know where Randy is. And if he ever wants to see me again.

**What? I had to add a little more _drama _in this story. Not my fault if I want to stir up the plot. Review??  
**

**;) Sam**


	23. Painted Pain

**Teddy's in a jam. Poor Ted.**

**Ted: ...**

**He's not talking to me. Let's figure out why. And I got a Jeff muse. Yay! He's not active in this moment.  
**

Chapter 22  
Painted Pain

_You're painted me in pain_  
December, 30, 2009  
**Which of us do you love**

I can't believe what's happening to us, it's like a never ending nightmare, I want Randy back and as I stride through the streets, no sound, just silence, I give up the only torn piece of hope inside of me and as I look around the empty streets and feel the thick, ice cold air brush against my face, and the skies are still as gray as ever, and I feel like I'm living in the world were colors don't exist and emotions are just overlapped by the stabbing pain that's burning me to the core, it's not fair that I can't even find an escape in my own head. I can't control my own head and I can't control my body or anything anymore…I feel like a deranged puppet, crazed with a seek for a haven out there, and I've recently found out that the world hates me too much and I'm never going to find a haven, just trapped in this horrible world of uncertainty and shattered love and—the scent of alcohol burns firmly in the air and my stomach sloshes and my head spins…oh so horribly…spins. Randy? Randy?! Alcohol? Why…?

Randy's skin is so very cracked and his eyes are so broken and his face's burning with desolation and misery and pain and all I can do is stare into those broken blue eyes of his, trying not to crack or get cut just by looking at them but it's no use… I break under his gaze, the scent of alcohol is harder than ever before and—he pushes me towards the wall and kisses me, a drunken sloppy kiss and he's so out of his head that his force is pushing me so hard to the wall…well, I don't care anymore, Randy. Kiss me. Rape me. Burn me. Kill me. Who cares anymore? I'm just a piece of mess right now. I know that. Go ahead, Randy. Just break the last pieces of me. I don't care… no more masks, no more emotions, just a dull straight face, because that's how it's supposed to be. Thank you, Randall Keith Orton, you made me hate myself to an extent I didn't know I could…or maybe it's my fault. I don't know anymore. Don't know anything at all. Then I taste something all too different in his mouth, something strong and bitter…something…

Cocaine.

I know that taste. I know the feeling. Of burning up into just nothing, feeling black fire burn inside of you until your skin just doesn't feel there and my heart just melts and the blood is sticky and hot and you don't feel like you're human at all and you feel weightless behind everything except for the fire that burns violently oh so violently inside of you…it feels like you're alive…but Randy…why does Randy need it? Why does Randy need to feel this? He tastes so bitter, bitter honey in his mouth, so bitter, so sweet, so broken, so fixed, so…everything. It's like I've never really tasted all of Randy until now. It's scaring me. It's scaring all of me feeling the hot skin against mine, feeling the sweaty, hot skin stick and attach and glue towards my body and I feel his heart thud and I feel him…all of him…so scary. Two pieces of a broken puzzle attached and they don't fit together…

I don't fit together with him.

I don't say a word because really, what's the point? I just stare as he discards our clothes in quick, swift movements and I don't really care that it hurts or it burns…everything hurts…there is no happiness in the world anymore and I am just his possession, right? I forgot how my emotions work. I don't care if I'm happy or sad—hell, I don't think I know what happy is anymore. Life's just turned so horrible and bitter. I turned horrible and bitter, too. I feel his panting and I don't care and as he falls asleep, I look out into the open world, no one lives here but me and him, and I know it all too well. We're the only people in this world. Loneliness just cripples through us, doesn't it? In truth, even if there's a thousand people, I won't feel any less anymore. In truth, now that there's just me and him, nothing's really changed. Just that I give up. I seriously give up. Let them do whatever they want. I don't care…I really don't care… I think I've lost my identity through this all. It's when he wakes up that his eyes feel with pain and our bodies are still stuck together. "Ted? Theodore?"

I stare deep into those eyes of his and he stares back at me and I know what he's looking at, nothing—just nothing, no emotions, no control, nothing at all. I can't wait until the day I die. I can't wait until the day I burn. It's what I deserve. And I think he sees what I feel; I think he sees the emotions that are fizzling out of my body…why is everything so out of my reach? Randy lifts my chin, "what happened?"

I don't say a word. What difference would it make? What changes it all? Nothing. Nothing at all. I don't say a word at all. He kisses my nose, "please, Teddy, say something."

Nothing. He holds me and kisses my forehead, helping me and him wear our clothing as I stare right at him, and—it's like my memory's been fizzled. I don't remember much anymore. I don't even know anyone anymore. Everyone's a stranger. I'm a stranger. I don't even know who I am anymore. He carries me back towards our house, placing me down onto the bed and kissing my forehead, covering my body with my thick sheets and he runs his hand through my back, kissing the back of my head. "Ted, it's going to be okay…just speak…"

No. No more words. Ever again.

_It's all black._

**I don't know what I was thinking of when I wrote this. It just made sense somehow to me. Somehow. :P Review?? So Ted found out his own way out but now that he swore never to speak again, you think Randy can figure it out, too? Oh, just ignore my questions and tell me what you think. :)**

**;) Sam**


	24. Bleeding Back

**Oh, how I love this story. I guess I'm working on this so I can work on Sad Story and Room 409 in peace. I'll finish this story up before another update on anything else. I'm trying to finish all my other Twilight stories first…I finally finished You Make Me Sick so I'm happy… ecstatic. But right now, I'm sick so I have more time to update.  
**

Chapter 23  
Bleeding Back

_I'm choking on my own blood_  
December, 31st, 2009  
**so I bleed**

I don't say a word. The sound of silence is comfort. And I just wish that Randy can understand that. I need the silence. Because words don't mean anything anyway. Why should I speak when no one's listening? Why do I hear myself speak all the time? All I have is this notebook now. This is the only thing I talk too. My mouth's forever sealed. No food. No words. Nothing. I'm dying on the inside and outside and I don't really care anymore. Randy's scared oh so very much. He's buying me food, he's getting me medication and I don't' do anything as he puts the food near my mouth and even if he shoves it down my throat, I don't say anything. Let me drown in those horrible voices. I know who I am and I don't care anymore. Let me drown oh so deeply in those horrible voices until I'm no more. Every time something fails, Randy's eyes flutter with horror and confusion as when I do fall asleep, I feel his hand running down my hair, and I feel his hot breath on my face and I hear him sniffing and doing cocaine and I don't say another word as the scent stains the room, strongly and I try not to breathe it all in but I do anyways.

_Speak_.

His eyes are begging me to say a word but I don't and I have him wrap his hands around my waist and he presses his mouth towards his shoulder and I-I think I lost my ability to speak. I try to whisper but no words come out. It's like my mind's obeying my desire. I really can't speak anymore. I'm mute. I don't even want to try regaining my voice now that I haven't used it in a while. Whenever Randy would kiss me, would touch me, I still make no sound. Even if I feel this stabbing pain inside of me most of the time, nothing comes out of my mouth. After a while, I walk towards the mirror and hold onto a piece and try to show Randy with just hands moving around and when Randy realizes just what I'm trying to get out, he comes towards the mirror and we try to crash all the pieces and as more than a million pieces lie on the floor, half of the mirror shattered enough for me and him to see the hospital scene, to see Cody reading a comic book and shaking, trying not to cry, trying to be strong. Our Cody. Our trying to be strong Cody with a barely rigid face and the sweetest turquoise eyes ever.

We fall down onto the glass and scrape ourselves, us bleeding so hard that Randy screeched from the pain, he looks at me, "doesn't it hurt?" no words, nothing, and he bites down his lip as he holds onto my body and pushes me close, running his hand through my heart and I see the tears run down his eyes, swallow him whole, burn him on the inside and the scent of cocaine is still so very heavy in the air and all I can do is watch his pain. I can't watch him like this. But having him close to me, with such a strong, bitter scent, reminds me of my mother. I twist my head, remembering how much my life's been ruined from drugs that the people I loved took. Maybe I'm turning into CM Punk, not wanting drugs to be around me anymore. I can finally understand why. It makes me feel dizzy inhaling it, it makes me feel empty inhaling it—I hate it. I absolutely and utterly hate it and I don't know how to get rid of this feeling—again, why should I care? My stomach sloshes as he takes my shoulder and pokes through to the real world again. "You think that we can get out of here without breaking anymore of the mirror?"

I shrug my shoulders as I poke my head out of the mirror. It's dark out there. Cody's asleep. No one's really awake and as I grab onto Randy's shoulder as he holds onto my waist and we jump out of the mirror, feeling the cut pieces of the mirror scrape us and suddenly, from the blood to the floor to the hospital scene, and there's a surge of silver flash and Randy presses his body against mine as he registers where we are, "we're home…" the hospital room flashes before us, Cody's head on the bed, sleeping on his arms and as Randy helps me stand up and when he looks at me, his hands stiffen around my wrist as he lets go of me, letting me fall to the ground. "Ted, you're…"

I can't understand why he's so scared of me all of a sudden, what's wrong with me? I peer over his shoulder and my head spins as I stare into the mirror and my heart thuds so hard into my chest that I think it burst and exploded. What—? I look…I am…the cuts on my face…it's scaring me. It's horrible. It's going to scar on my stupid face. I feel the tears burn and fall. Cuts that'll turn into scars…on my face…just so horrifying to see so much blood falling, and how come I don't feel it? It's scary. It's horrible. I want to scream but I can't find my voice. Randy places his hand around my shoulder and pulls me to him, wiping away my tears but he can't wipe away the cuts that are on my face. I just don't understand. I'm back into the real world. And I still don't stop bleeding. It's like I'm meant to die. Oh, what's the use? Just kill me now! Randy places me down onto the bed and runs his hand through my cheek. "I'm sorry this had to happen to you, baby."

I'm scared. I'm scared and bleeding and I can't do anything about it. The entire world's hazy and dull. Why does this have to happen to me?

**Now, I feel sad for our Teddy! I need to fix him pretty soon. Review??**

**;) Sam**


	25. Lifelessly Lost

**I don't know what to say about this chapter. I sorta like it. Part of it makes sense but another part just doesn't. Just like all my works. :P Look for an update on Room 409! **

Chapter 24  
Lifelessly Lost

_I'm so lost inside of myself_  
January, 1, 2009  
**I bleed**

The bloodied cuts turn into deep scars that horrify me whenever I look into the mirror and Randy finds it hard to look into my face knowing that there are those horrible scars stirring into my face and I want it to be normal, seeing my broken face in the mirror and anyone that looks at me has pity just drawn to their faces but I don't need their pity. I need to be treated right. I feel like no one's treating me right just because my face looks scratching off and no one knows how it feels to be so broken on the inside and Cody stays around the hospital even more right now, carelessly buying me my nutty Galaxy bars, colorful blankets and pillows and movies that our parents had walked and we'd snuggle into each other and cry and he'd wonder how the years had gone and how much we've changed and about deception and misunderstandings and nothing really makes sense anymore as our tears finally dry and we're finally asleep and the way I hold him, feel him underneath me, he's like my little brother—I hate watching him break under pressure like this and I'd do anything to fix him. Knowing that I'm causing him so much pain makes me feel horrible. He falls asleep every night thinking that I'd die the next day. I do, too.

The way my face is cluttered and tattered makes Randy never leave, he'd stay and watch me as he attempts to make me eat but I don't eat and I don't say anything even when he shoves the food down my throat like he always does and when the voices are screaming in my head, I try shuffling them out by pressing my head towards Randy's chest and he doesn't say another word but I could tell that he's disgusted by my scars and everyone is and I'll never be normal again, will I? I'll never ever be normal again and it's so horrible to think about how Cody and Randy are, perfect bodies, perfect mind, perfect heart, while I rot in my own prison cell and when Randy leans down to kiss me, capturing my lips into a kiss and it hurts knowing that Randy finds it hard to kiss me as he stares up at my imperfect, oh so imperfect face.

"Teddy, please, talk to me."

No words coming out of my mouth as Randy lets his hand run down my hair as I look away from his face and he presses his hand against my shoulder, pressing me to him. "Tell me you love me. You do love me, don't you?"

I look up at him as I nod my head, he shakes his head. "Tell me you love me." He bites back his lip, tears welling up in his eyes because he thinks that I don't and I shake my head. It's just that when you don't talk anymore, you forget and I forgot how to speak…I forgot how to speak oh so completely and no one really understands what I'm going through. Not even Randy. I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out and I place my head back towards his chest, him staring at him confused and I am too. Why can't I speak even if I try? My mind's fooled into thinking that I can't and I feel like I can't.

Randy, I'm so sorry.

"Teddybear, why?"

Why doesn't anyone understand the pain that's overtaking me? Why doesn't Randy of all people understand this? We're all too messed up in this world. I'm still not talking and I'm still a self-harming idiot and he's still doing cocaine. We're all too messed up in my head. No way to escape ourselves. It's horrible to see and horrid to feel as well. I can't really understand why I feel the way I do. Why he feels the way he does. It's just always been that way. Two pieces of a puzzle that doesn't really fit and we try so hard to make them fit but they won't and we just don't accept this, do we?

I don't understand anything I say anymore.

Am I truly losing my head?

I know that I'm lost.

When we're finally checked out of the hospital, walking beside each other, a glint of light into Randy's eyes and a plastic, painted smile on Cody's face, me in the middle, we know one thing that's in front of us…

We're lost.

And we don't know how to find ourselves.

So we just live in this crazy world because we don't know where ours went. We don't know when it broke and when we lost ourselves. It just happened and when we finally do realize what's missing, we pretend we don't care just so the pain would go away. Nothing can make the pain go away anymore so we ignore it like I ignore the voices in my head and we snuggle up to each other and pretend that we aren't all looped into a mess that we can't get out in because pretending is the only way we know how to live right now.

Lifelessly lost in our own mess.

_How can I get out?  
A new year…why does it still all feel the same?  
no resolutions…nothing really  
just a handful of hope that crushes itself._

**Hope for an update! Review??**

**;) Sam**


	26. Vengeful Voices

**Even I hope it gets better… :P But angst is angst and this story is pure tragedy so I need to get my game face on and do this.**

**Ted: Tragedy? Am I going to die?!**

**Maybe...**

**Ted: A normal author won't be so cruel.  
**

Chapter 25  
Vengeful Voices

_The voices are louder than ever before_  
January, 2, 2009  
**and I breathe**

I can't shut them out. I can't listen to anyone but the voices inside of my head. I'm constantly reminded of the same thing all the time and it hurts to listen because it hurts to know that it's the truth. _You. Are. In. Love. With. A. Boy_. It's like my father's voice from ten years back when I had told him I'm gay and he shouts at me and pretends that it's the weirdest thing ever and I know that it's horrible. I've gone out most of the time, not saying a word when anyone tries to make a move on me, don't scream, don't say a word even as man stuff their hands in places that they shouldn't, because after all, why should I care? _You don't care because you can't_. The voices are so loud. I can't shut them out. I'm swallowed inside of them. I'm drowning in them and I can't get out no matter how much I want to.

Going to the doctors, they give me three types of medication for my anorexia because the voices are apparently spiraling from that. I don't tell Randy or Cody or anyone about this. _Not like you talk anyways_. I slip down onto a bench on a hot morning and take one of each pills, washing it down with a much needed bottle of water for a sore throat and later on, on a cold night, I walk back towards the bench, drinking water and watching people's lives go by while I'm stuck in the same position in life and will be for a long time and letting my tongue glide against my teeth, looking up at the black sky, I see my scattered dreams all so far away from my reach, mocking me and the voices are mocking me, too. _You're pathetic. Can't you do anything half right?_ I can't. I try to shuffle them out but they're so strong and so loud and I can't hear anything else but them.

Let's focus on my medicine.

_Olanzapine_.

This is the same thing they use on schizophrenics. I'm so happy knowing that I'm so close to being insane and breaking. I'm crying so much from the joy. My sarcasm sucks and I have nothing to do but stare down at my medicine and read the side effects. Some I have had in the last few hours. The coldness that's barreling through me, the dizziness and insomnia, it's all because I take a pill. Oh joy. I'm so lucky to feel pain…when will it all stop? When will I be happy? I don't know. That's why they take pills, right? To solve me? To cure me? That's why, right? I can't figure out another reason why. But I'm still the same. Except dizzier and colder and completely unable to sleep. Why does everything that's supposed to fix me just breaks me down all the more?

_Quetiapine._

Another drug they give to schizophrenics. The mental ward and I have so much in common with each other. The dizziness is just doubled by a headache. Oh, I should be so lucky.

_Risperidone_.

Another schizophrenic-related drug? Why am not surprised? All I have because of this is low blood pressure…yes, I know…yes, they gave me a band…yes, I'm currently in the hospital again thanks to my medication.

Can't I get a break?

Randy and Cody visit with sorrowful faces as always. I've truly ruined their lives. Every time I try to get out of their lives, I somehow find my way back in and I don't want that to happen anymore. Cody sits beside me while Randy slips beside me towards my bed covers and asks me for what's wrong while the doctor explains and I slip under the covers and pretend I don't exist anymore because my own medication had gotten me into this mess and—isn't there anything that can cure me? I don't want to be sick anymore. But now, even when I'm trying to fix my own mess, I'm making it worse.

I give up.

I can't do anything right.

I can't get sick right.

I can't get healthy right.

Maybe I should just give up…

Oh, joy. My low self esteem is just so saddening, isn't it? I'm even crying. I can't do anything right now. I snuggle into Randy's chest and pretend that it doesn't matter but it does and again, no words out of my lips which makes Randy do all the talking. "We'll get through this, I promise, Teddy, I can't bare this happening anymore."

I stare up into his eyes but I can't find any promise.

When Cody brings us some food, Randy doesn't even bother shoving them down my throat anymore. He's afraid that it'll make me do crazy things and I find myself picking at Randy's plate and eating off, which makes Randy shocked. Completely and utterly shocked but in a good way, he's the happiest that I've ever seen in a while and it makes me happy knowing that I can make him happy. Even if the voices are screaming and exploding my brains out. I want to make him happy. I want to be happy. I just don't believe that anything can make me happy anymore.

He runs his hand down my back and kisses me chastely. "I love you, Ted. And I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore."

**You.**

**Should.**

**Never.**

**Love.**

**Me.**

Because I'll just break his heart when I die. There's just nothing left for me anymore. Nothing there to live for. Nothing ever again. I can't cure myself. I always end up breaking myself and Randy always steps into my pain and I don't want to hurt him again. If I die…if I die, he'll be sad but he'll move on, won't he?

He'll move on…

**Um—review?? **

**;) Sam**


	27. Nostalgic Nightmares

**Jeffy: I've been weading…I'm scawed.**

**Don't read Jeffy. Angst isn't good for you. Anyways, here's the long awaited chapter (hopefully long awaited) of Alone. I've been reading tons of Mary Sue fics so…my brain's sorta out of it.**

**

* * *

**Chapter 26  
Nostalgic Nightmares

_I miss home_  
January, 3rd, 2009  
**I breathe no…**

I miss what I've used to be.

I miss the home that's always welcomed me, with warm covers and sweet eyes and lovely lives and perfect dreams. I miss the home that's always been part of my messed up childhood…I miss the home that I've grown up in. I miss being in my father's arms and I miss having not a single care in the world and I want my mother back but I can't have anything anymore, can I?

There is no home anymore.

The house that I've grown up in has changed.

Instead of perfect frosty blue walls in my room, instead of calmness and ocean and welcome in the walls of my room, there's chipped blue paint that can't hide the hideousness behind anymore and when I know that's me…my skin can't hide the darkness that's burning up inside of me anymore. My skin has become part of the darkness that's swallowed me whole and—why can't I get out?

Why am I trapped into this mess?

Why…?

I've had nightmares.

I've never told Randy or Cody and they've really tried to make everything better. They'd rent movies I've seen with them before, they've recreated so many memories so that I can feel happy but—it's just not there. Even when I try to be happy, even when I fake happy, it's just not there. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy anymore. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved anymore.

Cody…Cody's been barely sleeping and just seeing him cry himself to sleep just hurts me. His perfect turquoise eyes would fill up with tears and I won't be there to wipe them because he doesn't want me to move from my bed and seeing him, bury that tearstained face in his pillow and just wish it all away…it hurts. It hurts. It hurts to watch. I can't take it anymore.

Randy…I can't bear watching Randy anymore. He wears his pain like a perfume of bitterness and he tastes like a mixture of sweet apple and bitter cocaine and I'm burning at just the taste of one kiss, how does Randy feel? He's burning into my mess and I can't pull him out because I can't pull myself out. Randy doesn't deserve any of this. Neither does Cody. None of them do.

The nightmares I have.

They're throwing away their careers for me.

I rarely see them telling me that they're going to go wrestle and any match that they've been in this past two weeks, they've lost only because of tiredness and lack of workouts and I'm the one who did that to them. I'm the one who's made them as weak as puppets in the ring. I'm the one who's made this happen and I can't fix it…I can't fix it because I don't know how to fix it.

They'd come home with sweat and bruises and pain and the first thing on their mind is: is Ted fine?

I've become their life now.

I don't want to.

They shouldn't throw away their lives for mine.

The nightmares I have.

Consist of them, both of them, flashes of what would happen to them two years later, or maybe even twenty years later, their future thrown away for me and they're both still young men, they shouldn't take care of me…I'm not their charity case of the year. I can't let them do this to themselves.

I'd walk around the room and I'd try to eat for their sake. I'd try to pretend that the voices aren't screaming.

I'd do anything if they'd just say that they're going out for a while and they'll be back soon. They need to live their life. They need to forget about me. They need to move on. Look at the damage I've done now and I can only imagine what I might do later. Cody, my sweet, lovable Cody, is breaking into pieces because he's trying to pick up mine and Randy, my love, my life, my heart, is on drugs just because of me.

I can't let them do this.

I don't deserve to live.

I have a knife in my hand, and I'm leaning down towards the drawer and my breath's in my throat and I don't think I can breathe and I know that this is the way that's supposed to be. I don't want those nightmares to be real.

They'll move on. They'll move on. They'll move no.

I take the knife to my wrist and take a deep breath, hearing my heart bang loudly, feeling sweat falling from my hair, and trying to breathe even if I can't and without letting the knife glide, I feel the sharpness and I know that this can be the best thing that's ever happened to me or the worst but I let it slide and I watch the blood flow and oh, I deserve it. It's release. It's a way to cope.

It's a way of life.

And it's going to kill me.

I want to be home. I want to be where I belong. In Hell. Where I'll burn until there's nothing left of me.

Another glide to the wrist.

The burning feeling in my heart…

The pain that's overwhelmed me. I deserve it.

Cody.

This one's for Cody.

And the next one's for Randy.

Their cuts, their thrown away future, their scars, on my wrists, so the entire world can know that I'm scarred…that I've scarred them—I know—they can't stop me—I—I—

I deserve to bleed…

* * *

**Uh oh.**

**This is not going to be pretty.**

**Let's just hope that Ted doesn't die during this. There is potential but I don't think I'm that cruel. Am I?**

**Jeffy: *Tears* no! WHY?!**

***Shoves Jeffy away* Any thoughts? Will Randy save Ted or will Ted go all the way and kill himself? Or is it going to stay as a cutting obsession?**

**Review??**

**;) Sam**


	28. Colorless Collision

**And an update on '**_**Alone'**_**. Thank God.**

Chapter 27  
Colorless Collision

_All I see, all I freaking see is this_  
January, 4th, 2009  
**Bleed**

The whole world around me is too dead for my liking.

I'm dead inside, too.

The razor's ripping at my skin at I'm watching it but it's like my hands aren't moving and I'm watching the scene of a horror movie as the blood trickles from my wrists and I suck in a soft breath, trying not to care about the blood—even if so much was falling—even if I felt like I was dying instead of living because I wanted to die, didn't I? And it wouldn't matter much when I was so very dead on the inside, so very broken, so very ruptured and I couldn't fix myself and no one else could either.

My stomach sloshed acid, my head pounded with pain, my spine had agony burning through it and I couldn't do anything about it as I laid my head on my shoulder, as the world around me turned from white to gray to black and there was just this hint of light when I mentioned Randy's name, a soft color that was fizzling in the darkness of the world around me, that color—as it sparked, was a livid red color, but not of blood, blood was the last thing on my mind with the brightness of that color—it was of love, romance and how my mind realized that it was throwing that away.

But I didn't deserve to love because I can't love.

I couldn't pleasure Randy in ways that he can pleasure me and I can't satisfy Randy and all I ever do was horrify Randy with all the blood on my wrists and the scars on my face and the desolation and torture won't end right now and it won't end soon so why should Randy sit through all that misery and despair of my life right now? Why should Randy endure the dejection of it all right now?

He couldn't.

I couldn't even look at things I've written about myself. I was so sickened by what had been written that I'd wanted to tear everything apart, everything right there on the floor, to pieces, that was what I wanted to see the most but I couldn't have. This book had pages and pages filled with emotions I couldn't get rid of and I wasn't about to let it all waste away just because I didn't want to see the languish burning through Randy's perfect tanned face.

I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle it at all.

When I thought of him, my insides were crying whenever I thought of him. I thought of that face crumpling when it should've been flat and relaxed, and I thought of those eyes—too many times I'd thought—that those baby blue joyful eyes were burning brokenly whenever they looked at me and I couldn't take it anymore. And Cody…I couldn't watch those turquoise eyes sad, just any amount of sadness in those sweet eyes just make me break harder under pressure. I couldn't see him in this much pain. Cody was like a brother to me. I couldn't see those eyes lap up with tears for my sake. I couldn't. I wouldn't have to endure that any longer.

"Ted?"

It was just my mind playing tricks no doubt but then I felt two arms wrap around me, forcing me to look at the face of perfection, the face of Randy Orton, and how my heart skipped too many beats.

"Ted?"

Another voice. No doubt Cody's.

The tears in their eyes, the sweat on their flesh, trying to wipe away the blood of my wrists, and I can only stare into Randy's eyes, can only drown myself in the pool of his eyes.

"Randy."

I didn't even know that was my weak voice speaking until I felt my throat catch on fire and burn so rapidly on the inside.

I didn't even now I was crying until I started cursing myself.

The colors collided and exploded in my brain, Randy's red color and Cody's turquoise color and I couldn't take it anymore, the colors burned my brain to the core and the next time I blinked, the world had no colors. Not even black. Just colorless. Just a colorless collision of nothing and everything.

It was horrible. It was too horrible.

I couldn't see anything but the colorless words around me and I wasn't falling into anything anymore…everything was just—surreal. Everything was just dull. Everything wasn't alive anymore.

Everything just died.

_This colorless world with  
no skies and grass  
with no playgrounds and snow  
with no laughter and love  
nothing  
absolutely nothing… _

**I don't know. This one left a huge mark. I liked it. Next chapter brings more to Ted's insanity.**

**;) Sam**


	29. Hearing Horror

**Enjoy this chappie, everyone! It took long...and I don't know why but it's finally here! Yay!**

Chapter 28  
Hearing Horror

_Horror still replays in my head  
it's never ending_  
January, 5th, 2009  
**I bleed**

Randy and Cody won't let me out of their sight right now. Randy has me curled up in his arms, his hand running through my hair, down my neck and I barely have time to write but I still don't care. The feeling of me in his arms, the warmth that engulfs me all the time, I know I don't deserve it. I know I'll never deserve something so precious and I know that Randy isn't supposed to love me. I know that the world around me hates the pure thought of me. I know that the world around me needs me to be okay but I don't know how to be fine. I don't know how to be fine at all. I just want to be dead for all they care. They won't even care, would they?

Randy's arms drift away from me and he kisses my forehead and God, I haven't heard a word from them in a long time and I fear that it may be because of me. I curl up alone in my bed, and how I hate being alone right now. No one understands the pain that's lingering in my body and no one understands the agony that's never going to escape from the emptiness of my being but they still try and fix me while I'm afraid that they might fall into me. They had fallen into me and I don't want them to get hurt anymore just because I can't take care of myself.

They shouldn't suffer just because I act like a child. They shouldn't suffer just because I want to die. They shouldn't suffer at all. Cody sits down onto the bed, staring at me with those sad eyes, he wipes away the tears before they fall and my breath is caught in my throat as he leans down beside me, wrapping his arms around me, his brother that always saved him when he was hurt and that's the way I always see him as. Just a brother. And when he's in pain, where he's crying, I don't know how to handle it. I don't know I can watch him break like this. I don't know why he suffers so much. "Cody?"

"Please, don't die."

"Oh, Cody," I rub his back, watching him press his head against my chest, shaking and shivering and I haven't seen him so scared before. His entire body pales, his eyes chip off their color, his hair's so dull that even I can't run my hand through it, so very brittle and his heart's bleeding to the core. I can't watch him like this. I can't watch the wholeness of him fade away into the nothingness of me. He sobs and seeing his eyes, oh how he's dying on the inside. I can't watch him like this.

I hold onto him until he finally drifts off to sleep and even then, the color in his flesh hasn't returned and he's still shaking and shivering and when he's finally peaceful, I just wonder how long he stays peaceful until he breaks as I let my fingers trace along his cold hairline and when I see a figure moving in the shadows, I don't have enough fear building in me as he leans down and I realize that it's Randy and his smile's so unsure and painful that it hurts me to look at his face. "Ted, I want to talk to you, baby."

I stand up and run a hand through Cody's hair one more time before I kiss his forehead and I walk outside with Randy to the balcony of the hotel room and since I haven't used my muscles in a long time, they were aching me, burning through every fiber of my being as I stare into the night sky outside and down where a million people are living their lives and the thick air around me is cold and suffocating and the look in Randy's eyes is making me suffer as he leans down and captures my lips into a chaste kiss. "Randy, you wanted to talk to me about something?"

Randy's eyes are holding back tears as he bites down his lower lip, "because don't kill yourself, Teddy. You've got too much to live for."

"I've got nothing to live for."

Randy's eyes seem even more broken when I say that and the tears finally spill from his eyes, this man standing before me had once punted me in the head and ordered me around like trash, but now, as I stare into his eyes, there's something just beneath all that control that he harbors, something so incredibly humane and now, I know why I've fallen in love with him, that sparkle that glints off his beautiful sad blue eyes make me the loneliness that burns inside of me slowly fade away.

"What about me?" his voice is so soft that I break on the inside.

"I don't deserve you."

Those are words of truth.

Looking into that beautiful color of Randy's eyes, I know I don't deserve to even look at them and I know that it hurts me to see him falling for something as pathetic and disgusting as I am. He deserves much more than just me and I know that and as I start to walk away, Randy speaks again, making me stop into my position. "I'm going back this Monday Night RAW."

"Cody and I…?"

"Cody, too. But I want you to stay here."

"…you don't think I can put up with another episode of RAW."

"You're in a critical condition, Teddy," Randy whispers and I stare into his eyes and I know that, in his eyes, there's sorrow and I don't know what happened and I think he doesn't know but our bodies embrace and my head rests on his shoulder and his whispers fill the air, "It's going to be okay, Teddy…"

The horrifying voices of my head are screaming.

_You don't deserve this, you bitch!_

_You're just a prostitute…he'll commit and you won't…_

_You'll break his heart._

_You shouldn't be with anyone as caring as he is…_

But somehow, I can shun the horror as his warmth still lingers and he takes me back to my bed, and I slip into the covers and for a moment, he slips in right next to me, his hand wrapped around me, protection, sweet protection and right now, nothing matters but me and him and the rest of the world and the horrifying past of mine just fades away and his breath has no cocaine tonight…just me and him…

I just want it to stay that way.

I just want to know that I'm not alone and tonight, I feel like I believe that. That I'll never be alone.

But in the morning, I know I'll wake and roll over to my side and the emptiness will fill me and I'll be all alone once again…

_I think I can ignore it now._

**Okay, when I get to chapter 32, there's going to be something you least expect happening. Or something you expect happening. Please read and review until then! I hope I can make these chapters worth your time, guys!**

**X Sam. **


	30. Revealation Release

**Hmm...the next chappie.**

Chapter 29  
Revealation Release

_the shock still resides in my body  
_January, 6th, 2009  
**And I breathe**

Shock resides through my body.

Have you ever felt completely and utterly dead only to wake up feeling more alive than ever before? I feel like I've been sleeping in this cold, black ditch that's been numbing my body and suddenly, any type of pain is too much for me. I feel so alive. As if my eyes have finally awoken from a ten million year sleep and I can finally breathe after so long. Have I been breathing all along? Every breath that falls out of my mouth, I count and the world around me, still gray, but still with hints of blue around the too gray of sky.

There's hope.

Hope for what?

I just can't understand. I can't understand at all.

I stay with both of them, Randy and Cody, but I can't help but feel as if I'm useless. I feel alive but not fixed. I've finally seen the damage I've been doing to myself. The cuts that are on me, the scars on my face, they're too real. I can finally see the pure purplish color of my scars and seeing it me feel like a battered child. I want to be as perfect as Randy and Cody. Bodies that have no scars and no cuts, just with completely and utterly flawless skin.

The shock's still there the next few days.

I'm so used to cutting my skin but it hurts too much, too damn much, that I just stop even if something inside of my body tells me that I deserve to sit through the pain. I deserve to feel myself break. Don't I?

I feel as if it's come to that.

Randy's always making sure that I eat when I'm supposed to and I've gained a few pounds and that's enough to make a smile appear on Randy's face. I love that smile. I envy that smile of his. It's so beautiful, so beautiful and dazzling and I can't help but stare into that smile, bore into every aspect of it. I want it. If you smile, it means that you're happy, right? I want to be happy.

Why am I banned from being happy?

I hate seeing Randy do cocaine most of the time.

He thinks I'm asleep but I'm not. The scent is so smothering that I can't ignore it.

Why am I like this?

Why can't I be happy...?

Please, make me happy, God.

I want to be happy.

I want to escape this pitch of blackness that I've fallen into...

Please....

**I know it's not much of a chapter. But it's all I gots for now. Review??**

**X Sam.**


	31. Dying Displeasure

**This is one of my twists. Hope you enjoy. Book One of Alone is coming to an end. And I have to start on Book Two soon. Yeah, I'm doing it in the same fic. :P Because I don't want to sequel this for some reason. **

**

* * *

**Chapter 30  
Dying Displeasure

_I've seen myself die on the inside_  
January, 7th, 2009  
**I breathe**

Have you ever died inside?

The world's too black.

Too gray.

When you're dying.

But when you're dead, there are no colors. Everything you see is a dream and everything you do is surreal.

Today is one of the hardest days of my life.

I know what I'm going to say to Randy and that just makes the pain slam into my bleeding heart harder and as I wrap my hand around Randy's neck at night, no one in the world but us, but still, it's painful to look into those eyes, knowing how much he wants me. Knowing how much I want him.

I lick my too dry lips and kiss his and I know that that might be one of our last kisses and as our bodies collide, his warm embrace makes the coldness fade off into nothing and I don't know how I've fallen for him most of the time but now, I've seen the perfection of his face and his eyes and all of him and no one can be like this. No one can be as beautiful as him. No one can be as perfect as him.

That's why I'm doing this.

I know this will hurt him because it's hurting me now but it'll hurt him more if I suddenly die. It'll hurt him so much if I'm dead in his arms the next day. And I can't make him face that pain. I can't make those eyes fill with agony and as I move towards his lips, kissing them, tasting that bitter taste of cocaine I've hated so much and he knows how much pain I am when I kiss him. He knows that I'm still in pain because of my mother. Because of my mother's drug abuse, my childhood had been ruined.

And now, lying by Randy, smelling that familiar strong scent, it just hurts…

"Teddy, you wanted to talk to me?" There is a hint of concern in Randy's voice. And a bang of fear.

"Yes, Randy…"

"Ted? Are you scared or something?"

There has been fear in my voice.

Banging hard in my throat.

I know why there's this agony twisted in my aching throat and I can't do anything about it. It's because of what I'm going to say. How I'm going to break both of us in a single sentence.

"Randy, our relationship…it's over."

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

Randy's blue eyes pop wide and his flesh turns paler and I think his heart's just stopped because his breaths are too light and tears fall out of his eyes, "Teddy, don't do this to me…did I do anything? Is it my fault?"

"No, Randy. It's just—it's over."

It's harder to say the last time.

It's harder to watch when the tears are burning down his face and I try to lick them away but they don't stop falling and I can see from his eyes that he wants to stop crying but he can't.

"I understand, Teddy."

"You do?" I'm slightly shocked that he would understand what's going on in my head when I don't understand half my thoughts.

"Yes, I'm just not good enough."

"No, Randy, no!" That's the last thing in my head. I find it hard to believe that I'm worthy to even breathe in the same room as him and I'm going to die a lot sooner than he's going to die. He's got an entire life ahead of him, healthy long life, while I had my unhealthy short life and that's paining me.

It's killing me.

"Ted, just let me kiss you, this one last time…please?"

I nod my head and as soon as that, his lips capture into mine, the taste of him stronger than ever before and I bring him closer so that this kiss could be memorable but then his hand goes down to my jeans and I find myself unable to stop him as he takes off my pants and boxers and his finger is in my cock faster than ever before and he takes off his own pants, kissing my neck, and I know that I want to stop him but I don't. I don't want to stop him. I know this will remind me of that rape incident but I don't care anymore. I just want Randy to be happy this one time. I want him to stay happy.

With every thrust, a bang of pain arches in my spine and I'm too distant from this world to care if it hurts or if it doesn't and as our bodies press against each other, exposed, the stickiness of the sweat bonding us together, the breathlessness of the night, the world around me is unmoving…time's just stopped…

His breaths on my sweaty shoulder, and in the morning, I'll be gone…

**I'm so sorry, Randy.**

_Now, I'm killing him, too._

* * *

**Leaves me a review, please.**

**X Sam.**


	32. Grateful Greeting

Chapter 31  
Grateful Greeting

_Randy...I'm sorry  
_January, 8th, 2009  
**I breathe-**

_Randy rolls to his side as he feels the empty sheets from underneath him as his eyes slowly flutter. "Teddy?" he whispers, looking around, searching for Ted's body but he can't find anything and he repeats his name. "Ted, where are you, baby?"_

_Silence._

_No sound at all._

_Randy grunts as he steps out of the bed, the scent of sweat and bitter honey around him, plunging him down as he walks around the room, searching the bathroom, the entire bedroom as he falls back on his bed, "No. No. No-"_

_Then he sees a hint of white peeking from the nightstand drawer and he reaches out for it, taking the white paper from the drawer and seeing the horrible words printed on the piece of paper._

_Can a piece of paper break you?_

**_Randy,_**

**_If you're reading this, then I'm probably gone by now. I'm sorry that I'm doing this but you have to understand, Randy that I do deserve to die. I try to ignore the voices, Ran, they're just so loud and they're telling me to end it all. I don't have anything left for me, Randy. I don't deserve you and I never will. My life's ruined from when it started. I don't even have real memories. I'm just that pathetic, Randy. Everything's all gone away. I don't know how to fix anything. Everything's all destroyed now and I'm supposed to be destroyed, too. I'm just a slut, Randy. Just another slut._**

_It'll all be over soon..._

_He didn't even sign it._

_Randy's heart erupts._

_His Ted didn't even know how to end his letter._

_No._

_He's not letting Ted do this. Not again. _

_No..._

* * *

I had to run away.

Had to run out of this house, had to run out of this country and even at the airport, I know he's too close, he's too haunting and I couldn't have stayed around anymore. I'm just too much of a disgrace. I stop in the middle of the airport, just thinking because thinking is what might determine what'll happen to me. If I'm going to live or I'm going to die. _Do I really want to do this?_

I don't.

But I had to.

Randy would never understand how much I couldn't live without him. And now, that I'm away from him, I have to kill myself. I just have to end my life. I really do have nothing to live for right now. _He'd move on. He'd move on. He'd move on_.

It's just over between me and him. Over. All gone. Forever.

I walk outside of the airport. I couldn't do this. I couldn't run away from Randy. I can't- there's no one outside here where I stand. No one. Nothing at all. No life miles from where I stand and my heart's ready to pound out of my chest. I'm so confused. I'm so scared. I don't want to die and at the same time, I want nothing more than to just drop dead. I don't want to live and at the same time, I don't want to end my life. I need to see his face one more time. I just...why...? I-

I take a razor out of my bag and I stare at the dullness of the razor and close my eyes. No one will miss me, will they? I'm just a tool that everyone uses to fuck anyways. No one is going to miss me. No one is going to even look the other way if I die. Maybe Randy might be upset but he'll move on. Maybe Cody might cry at the funeral but he'll move on. Everyone will move on without me.

I've always been a corpse.

I take the razor towards my wrist, feeling the sharpness of the razor and I take another breath because I know it'll be my last...I'm going to greet the other side that won't want me, death will all its need, and I imagine Randy, I imagine Randy's face, so peaceful before I let the razor cut...

_I'm so sorry, Randy._

**Do you really think that Teddy's gonna end his life right now? Or will Randy save him? What do you think? **

**Like I said. Next chapter. Big twist. Or in my opinion it is.**

**X Sam.**


	33. END OF BOOK ONE: Epilogue: All Alone

**End of Book One. Gonna start on Book Two soon. Yeah, the original story and its sequel in the same story just because I'm that lazy. Give me a break.**

Chapter 32  
All Alone

Please, be alive, please, be alive, please be alive  
January, 9th, 2009  
**I breathe no more**

_"Where the hell is he?!"_

_Randy shoves past the numerous policemen and he stops when he sees the body that's on the floor, his Ted's body, eyes shut tight and he prays that his Ted's just passed out and as he leans down to pick up Ted's body, leaning down to inhale the soft scent of his flesh, Randy's heart is ready to burst out of his chest, thinking that his Ted, his Teddybear, is dead and he bites down on his lower lip, unable to force himself to hold onto Ted's wrist for a pulse. He can't take it anymore. If Ted's dead, then-then-he wouldn't know. He just can't handle the thought of his Ted being dead. It's just too horrible. It's just too much._

_"Ted."_

_Randy's shaking now, tears falling freely from his face as he cups Ted's pale cheek, too pale, no color in his body-_

_"Ted, please, wake up."_

_He doesn't want to check for a pulse. He just can't bring himself to do that._

_"Sir, we advise you to step back-"_

_"You!" Randy screams at the policeman, staring straight at him with the same pale face that Ted has harbored, the tears unable to stop from falling down his face, "You leave me alone! It's not a murder. Ted...Ted killed himself..."_

_"How would you know?"_

_"Just LEAVE ME ALONE!" That makes the policeman flinch, as he steps back and allows Randy to take in the image of his Ted. The used to be livid blue eyes are so shut tight, the used to be peachy flesh is too pale, and Ted's hair is so brittle and breakable and that just hurts him all the more. Ted looks so dead. And the thought of his Teddy being dead...no...he's not dead. He's just not dead._

_"He's dead," the policeman spits out._

_"He's NOT! He's not dead! He can't be-he-"_

_Randy's eyes settle on Ted's face again, fixated, he's not moving...no...he won't-_

_"Ted...please, wake up...please..."_

_Sobs fall from Randy's mouth._

_"Please...Teddybear...please...you're not dead...no, you can't be dead..."_

* * *

Why is it when the lights go out, you can finally see the colors?

* * *

**(You're finally dead and you're finally alone--)**

Randy, I miss you already.

I had to die.

_There's blood stains on the last page of Ted's diary._

You won't understand. I just had to die.

**(Are you happy now?)**

_There's tear stains on the last page of Ted's diary._

I don't deserve anyone.

I just had to be alone...

* * *

Why is it when you're around people, you've always felt alone?

* * *

& blood spews.

& tears fall.

**(i miss you, teddy.)**

* * *

& you don't know if you're in Heaven or Hell...

Is it supposed to be this painful?

Dying?

You finally realize that dying isn't the same as being dead.

Finally unable to breathe.

_He wasn't breathing all alone._

Finally able to see.

_There are so many colors in the world._

Finally able to feel.

_Don't be sad, Randy._

**(finally...alone).**

* * *


	34. BOOK TWO: Breathe

**My Teddy muse has returned once again! He really, really has been bugging me about doing this. He wants a happy ending and since we all do want a happy ending, this story's not over yet. :D**

Breathe

Rated: +18 – themes; language; characters with crushed hope

Summary: After Ted's death, life for Randy's been horrible. Shortly afterward, Randy begins to move on…after all, Ted is dead…right? SLASH! Randy/Ted.

Genre: Tragedy/General

* * *

BOOK TWO: Breathe

* * *

**Even when you think it's over, it's not.**

December, 21st, 2010

_Marc's fingers runs across a corpse and the coldness of the air is suffocating them into nothing and the blanket is wrapped around the cold body oh so badly as Marc smiles softly, running his fingers through the corpse's too brittle hair, "okay, ready?"_

"_This is the fifth corpse today, you think that he's gonna magically snap back to life?" Brooke follows him around with tired puffy red eyes and brown hair as Marc nods his head and holds onto the corpse's shoulders, "he's been dead for about a year, right?"_

"_Yes, suicide." Brooke reads from her file, hugging it close to her chest. "Marc, don't do this—you know that it won't work…"_

"_It will! Those four corpses were just the wrong ones!" Marc exclaims, snapping at her and she rolls her eyes as he leans down towards the icy corpse, holding the corpse's icy hand and looking at the veins and it takes so long for him to hook him to the right gear and Brooke rereads the file more than twenty times before he announces that he's done. The corpse's body is filled with red and blue veins as Marc nods his head, exciting him out of the room and down the doorway to the nearest clear room, leaving the icy fleshed dead one in his place as Marc pushes a red button and then, all the iciness chips off as the paleness of their bodies and the corpse's cold body turns into a warm color, flushing back into a peachy color. Marc presses on the switch and a wave of electricity rushes through the body as two eyes slowly open…_

"_Hmm?"_

"_Marc…Marc…"_

"_I told you! I TOLD YOU!" Marc exclaims, walking towards the now alive person, paleness still clinging to his stretched dead skin and Ted's staring at him, wide eyes, and sweet cold eyes with a pink smile on him. _

"_Where…where am I?"_

_Ted's pinky lips pucker into a frown. "I'm back in this place…" _

_Back in reality._

**It's not over.**

* * *

**Happy?**

**Umm…review?**

**X Sam.**


	35. Prolouge: Gray Gravestones

**Yeah, you know I always have my own unique Sam twist. ;)**

**Thanks for reminding me, **_**LegacyChick**_** but I had severe writer's block here. I didn't know what to do next…but I'm striving hard to get a good chappie. Also, there's some Candy in Book Two. Candy = Cody/Randy but the main pairing is and always will be Randiasi. **

**Prologue****: Gray Gravestones**

_The world's faded from all the colors  
_December, 22nd, 2010  
**Sparkling grey**

_It's been a year. It's been a fucking year and he's still standing here, staring at the airport road, as if he's waiting for a body to magically appear and he comes here at the exact time of death and he walks away at the same time the police shove him away and it all hurts so much and he won't say that Ted's dead because those two words can break him even harder as he stands and walks away from the world around him._

_He goes back and he takes that white box from his table and he looks over the items inside and he shoves it back at underneath his bed as he hears the sound of Cody slamming the door shut behind him, "Randy?"_

"_Yeah?" Randy's voice is weak, almost as if he hadn't talked in days and he feels like that. His throat is dry and his head's spinning as he stands up and looks into Cody's eyes, those warm turquoise welcoming eyes of his, "Cody?"_

"_It's-it's been a year since Teddy's death…" Cody's eyes are holding back his own tears, "I know it's wrong, Randy but-but-"_

"_I don't want to move on, Cody! I can't move on! I-"_

_In that moment, Cody's hands grab onto Randy's shoulders to steady him and those eyes locked together and Randy's eyes slowly water when he brushes his hand against Cody's cheek. "I'm sorry," Randy whispers into Cody's ear. "I've been neglecting you. I know I have but Ted…Ted was-"_

"_I loved him too, Randy," Cody's voice starts to strain and both of them embrace each other into a hug as Randy kisses Cody's sweaty forehead and the warmth, bubbling with heat and affection and that kiss makes Randy capture Cody's mouth into a longing kiss and as Randy pulls off, he runs his hand down Cody's back. "Why does this feel right even if it's supposed to be wrong?"_

"_I don't know," Cody murmurs, "why is it wrong, Randy?"_

"_Because I still love Ted."_

_Cody looks down at his feet and he nods his head and Randy's heart sinks in his chest, "but he would've wanted me to move on…wouldn't he?" Randy asks, and Cody's eyes lock with Randy's before they nod their heads. "Cody…?"_

"_I don't know anything anymore, Randy," Cody's voice strains. "I don't know where that kiss came from but…but…I don't know why I liked it either." A weak smile forms on Cody's face._

"_The kiss? I liked it too." Randy moves in close to Cody's cheek, "but I don't think we're attracted to each other. Not in the way I wanted Ted, Cody. That kiss feels right but it's wrong."_

"_Randy," Cody starts all over again, with confused eyes. "Can't you love me…? I want to move on too, Randy. It's all wrong. I don't want to be sad anymore. Make me happy, Ran…make me happy…" his voice is cracking._

_Before Cody can say another word, Randy embraces him and kisses his lips, both of their lips locking and it's so soft but it has every emotion that could be twisted into one kiss and their eyes flutter into each other… "R-Randy?"_

"_Time to move on, Cody." Randy finally caves in._

_Cody nods his head as they press their lips into another kiss and they're unsure and shy and hesitant if this is real or if this is just comfort love but as their flesh touch, the soft smooth feel of them, is just enough right now…even if it's just for a moment… _

* * *

My back's aching.

My head's pounding.

My heart's beating so hard in my chest that it's ready to burst out of my chest and I don't care anymore. Why can't I just have a moment of peace? Why can't I just die away without anyone disrupting my death? All I could remember is a deep sleep of blackness, one which I deserved and still do, and now, I'm alive but there's this spark of energy in my brain, like I've just awaken into a new chapter of this new life I have. No one around here knows me. Everyone says that I look like "Ted DiBiase" and give me a sad face before they walk away.

Those doctors…

They told me that I was an experiment, that's what I always was, an experiment. The doctors reanimated me from the dead and everything's alright except that my blood circulation doesn't work as usual and every four months, I must take a blood transfusion because my bone marrow doesn't work well enough to make new blood cells in time. That's the only thing that's wrong with me but it feels like I'm all wrong. Just knowing that something's wrong makes you unable to feel normal.

And I have to come back if I want to live but I won't come back because I don't want to stay alive and they have a thick silver bracelet strapped to my wrist and I'm unable to tug it off, it's so tight and strong and when I take it off, I feel like my skin's peeling off with it and it ensures that I'm an experiment because it tells me when I need to take blood and how much and it also says if there's anything wrong with me, the blinking bright yellow will flash before the vivid blood red flashes, which signal danger, but now, that I'm fine, it's a constant soft green color.

I want to go home but I don't know where to go.

I don't even know what state or country I'm in and when I realize that I'm in St. Louis, Missouri, my heart beats rapidly in my chest. I remember Randy's old address but he's divorced with Sam and…there's a possibility that they're still living there, isn't there? It's worth a shot.

_Randy…_

I bet he doesn't even remember me…

* * *

**I'll update more with this fic. I swear. And to make up for all the time, _LegacyChick_, I'm gonna ensure you that there will be more and more sexual tension/fluff in Book Two.  
**

**X Sam.**


	36. Terrifying Tragedy

**There! An update!**

**Chapter 1  
Terrifying Tragedy**

_Your words suffocate me…_  
December, 23rd, 2010  
**they're my own veins.**

I went into Sam's house and shockingly, she was sweet and she was dressing unlikely. Did she change? Her always used to be brown hair that was always neat was messy and her face was crumpled and scrunched up, her lips chapped, she looked like me, and I asked her for the reason for her appearance and she told me that her daughter died. Allie was dead. Alanna. I missed her even if I didn't know anything about her. We spent two hours just talking about her, and then about me, about how I suddenly showed up, she thought that she was seeing ghosts and I explained it all in the most explicit manner I could've and she told me where Randy was.

Randy doesn't even know that his daughter's dead.

My stomach sloshes as I go towards the train. He's not far away from St. Louis, according to the information Sam's given me, and that night, I'm looking for the hotel. I'm hungry and I'm tired and I feel like I'm never going to see his face. He feels like a dream. He's so far away from me. Even when I vividly remember those memories of me and him, it's like they're just fantasies.

I hear a sound from behind me.

I twist my head and stare into those beautiful blue eyes. I'm standing in front of the hotel and I'm met by that blue eyed angel of mine and I know that he's real. The softness of his still lush lips, the shock in those blue orbs of his, the stretched smile that battles on his face and I feel like he hasn't smiled in a while and in a moment, he just looks down and takes Cody by his arm, dragging past me.

"Randy, wait!"

"God, you sound so real…" Randy think he's imagining me. I can see it from his eyes. I can see his pain.

"I can see him, too." Cody says, confused.

"I'm real," I let the words squeak out, walking towards them and I touch Randy's cheek and his eyes widen before I go into an explanation. "I'm real, Randy. I swear I am. When I was in the morgue, they electrified me, restarted my heart, Randy…I'm real."

"My Ted," Randy's voice strains as his arms wrap around my body and his embrace is warming and he steps back as I hug Cody, feeling the warmth of my little sibling as he and Randy share a look I couldn't understand. "Teddy, you changed. What's that thing on your wrist?"

"I'm like a vampire," I try to explain. "I need blood every four months and this tells me if I'm fine, Randy."

Randy nods his head. "Ted, are you okay?" and I know he notices that look on my face. He always knows if I'm fine or not and he knows if my eyes are pained and puffy and red, he just knows me and I suddenly feel the warmth of my body burn inside of me.

"No, I'm not," I can hear my voice shaking. "Randy, I'm alive. I'm alive and I'm dead. Why can't anyone just leave me alone—?"

Randy's eyes suffer, go through a trance of pain and horror, terrifying and agonizing and horrifying, as he takes my wrist and his breath's on my face. "Teddy, don't you dare talk like that. I'm sorry, Ted but-but-I don't want to hear about this. I don't want to see you get hurt again. We've got a chance to make this right, Teddy and I want to make this right…"

That night, he pulls me and Cody and him into one bed, Cody's thinner than the rest of us so he can fit in the middle easily and me and him giggle and talk about the latest senseless gossip of the locker room while Randy's snores cover the room, it's just like old times, the old times that I've missed so much and in the middle of it all, Cody looks down at his hands and tears are threatening to leak out of his eyes. I suddenly feel my heart sink in my chest. I hate seeing Cody sad. I always have. "Cody?"

"I have to tell you, Teddy," his voice strains. "Just before you came back, me and Randy thought you were gone for good and we-we just kissed a few times and—I'm sorry, Teddybear!" his face is paling and his body's shaking.

"Cody," I brush my hand against his face. "I don't know how to say this. I don't feel my feelings well enough anymore. I can't love anyone. Randy is all yours."

Cody and Randy. Candy. They deserve each other. Me and Randy. It's all history. I'm emotionless, only able to feel the pain of the world, but nothing beyond that. Nothing as well as happiness or love or tranquility. None of that. Cody just stares at me and I roll to my side but I feel his hand on me. "Teddybear, I can't have Randy. Randy still loves you."

"But I can't love him. Like we've learned, over and over again, it's just not meant to be. It's all over now."

* * *

**Next 9 chapters are fluff/angst/sexual tension. Enjoy. XD.**

**X Sam.**


	37. Weak Whisper

**Ha, ha, an update! I'm glad I did update!**

**Chapter 2  
Weak Whisper**

_A whisper, a scream, it doesn't matter because no one hears a word  
_December, 24th, 2010  
**Any more than a whisper**

Randy isn't much of a Christmas person.

But I always had been so seeing Randy getting so fixed up for the holiday makes my heart crack into pieces and my brains are blown to nothing and I can't hear my own voice screaming on the inside as I watch Randy put up the decorations, silver, red and green, mixtures and mixtures of so many colors and I love it. I love it even if my life is horrible and I feel Randy's arms wrap around my body and my lips press to his neck and my heart's pounding in my chest and I can't do anything but breathe and hope for the best. I don't want this Christmas to be like the last, horrible and brittle.

I just want this to be okay.

I just want this to be whole.

All complete.

Soon, Randy and I are both entangling into my bed and all I could think about is Cody and he'd gone this morning to spend the holidays with his family and I think of my family right then. My horrible, broken family and Randy's here to watch me mourn in my black pitch of nothingness and horribleness and now, I push Randy away even if I don't want to and I look out into the snowy world out there, white covered everything and I want to go out there but I'd gotten a call from my doctor, saying that I can't go out in the snow, that it would affect my blood count, since my blood will restrict faster and I'd need a transfusion almost every two hours if I go outside and that's impossible.

"Ted?"

My body's shaking and shivering and I can't really breathe at all.

"Teddy? I told you I want this to be all perfect..."

I look at him and I nod my head. I want this to be perfect, too. I didn't want this sick, twisted world instead of a fairytale, cliche drama story that will end up in a happy ending instead of a sad one.

"It'll be okay."

Randy and I stare at each other and our emotions pool into each other's eyes and I don't say a word at all, just nothing, but we don't need to. I'm about to say a word but his lips press into mine and he pulls away.

I know it's wrong. I know it's so wrong.

I pull off before Randy can get a wrong impression. "Randy, Cody--"

"Cody and I don't have anything together." He tries to tell me but his voice is so desperate and I know that he's joking or he's completely not serious and just wants to get this going on. He doesn't want the pain and drama and I can understand that. I don't either but I need to know the truth. I don't want this to be some fake relationship that both of us are going to regret later on. I want this to be real.

I want us to be real.

"You kissed him."

His eyes widen. "D-did Cody tell you that--?"

"He's telling me the truth."

He nods his head and presses me close to his chest, his body warming mine and I don't know what to say and I don't know how to say anything and just both of our eyes lock with each other and I just feel breathless without doing anything at all. It's almost like he has some sort of trance and spell on me and that-that makes me feel too weak and vulnerable for the world around me and shockingly, I just don't care.

I want to be with him.

I really do.

But I'm scared.

For what's happening.

For what will happen.

Why do we have to be entwined into this mess?

I just don't think it's meant to be. I want him but when we're together, all that's staining our relationship is agony and desolation and pain and--_I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!_ I'm so fed up. I wanna fucking breathe!

Is that so hard to ask for...?

"You have a thing for Cody. I know you do, Randy."

"I don't have anything for Cody. _I-I love you_."

That just hurts me even more.

I look into his eyes and curve a soft smile on my lips and I let the tears flow and I don't know if they're happy or if they're sad, I just don't know anything anymore and I don't care.

_"...I love you, too, Ran."_

* * *

**I meant to cut it off there.**

**Hmm...I actually like this chappie.**

**What do you think? It's dark _and _cute. I think.  
**

**X Sam.**


	38. Hollow Heart

**Chapter 3  
Hollow Heart**

_My heart is hollow and I want you to fill it up  
_December, 25th, 2010  
**any sudden movement of my heart**

Randy and I kiss; both of our tongues twisting into each other and I know that I love him even more than I could ever love anyone and the taste of his tongue as it tickles my own make a shiver go up and down my spine and how I love him, my Randy, perfection at its best. He makes me feel complete and he makes the emptiness go away and I can feel the taste of his mouth still linger, the taste that still has that cocaine mixed in and I really, really want to tell Randy to quit but I can't because I'm scared of what he'd think and as I look down at my bracelet, the thick silver metal that's still suffocating my wrist and he leans down once more to give me a soft kiss and by that only, I know that this is one of the best times of my life.

The last memory of my last Christmas still resides in my head and as Randy runs his hand down my back, I feel shivers run up and down my spine as Randy leans down to twist his tongue into my mouth. I truly, truly love him but I'm slightly afraid of our future and I stare outside into the atmosphere, just beyond his shoulder to see the snow coated world around me but I can't go outside because my blood would freeze too fast and I know that I don't want to die on this very day when I'm happy.

I'm never happy.

I don't want this joy to break.

"R-Randy?"

He looks at me, perplexed at the stutter of my voice but it's because the atmosphere around us is cold and I like it but as he leans down to kiss me once more, I push him off. "Ted?" he asks me. "Is there something wrong—?"

I just let my thoughts pour out to him.

"Something wrong?!" I exclaimed, causing Randy's eyes to widen as he holds onto my shoulder. "Randy, I can't take the drugs. You're still doing coke…after a year…Randy, this has ruined my childhood and I don't want those drugs to break my life right now! Please! Just don't…"

Tears sprinkle out of my eyes.

He stares and tears are threatening to pool out of his eyes as well.

Why do I always have to fuck up everything?

He wants it to be perfect.

And I'm breaking everything for him.

I try to tell myself that this would never happen again but I don't want another promise I'll break.

I can still hear the echo of my hollow heart as it shatters all over again.


	39. Playful Pretty Pixies

**WARNING! Cross dressing. XD.**

**Chapter 4  
Playful Pretty Pixies**

_We're playful little pixies  
Give us our pixie dust back_  
December, 26th, 2009  
**and I know, I know I'll have to watch them pass away**

Pixies love.

Pixies smile.

Pixies lie.

And pixies die.

I think my little pixie inside of me dies a long time ago, locked away into my heart, my tiny free spirit, allowing me to pretend that I do have wings but If feel like I don't right now and I know that I don't and as I stare at the horror of this world, I know that I will never have wings again sprout and guide me all the way up to the sky again and I have to get used to this but I don't know how to anymore and I just want to breathe but I am too unable to breathe and I'm too unable to scream and speak and—

"Ted?"

I'm sitting on the bed and I can already feel his eyes staring at me and I know it's odd that I'm dressed into a pixie costume but I don't know why I felt as if this would make me feel even more of a little pixie but I'm unable to feel the pixie dust and feel magical and special throughout this all and Randy sits right next to me, his eyes slowly stripping me and I don't mind. I find it attractive but as long as he doesn't do anything, I don't want to rush this.

I don't know what I want anymore.

He runs his hand down my side and I stare at him as his finger runs over my sensitive side and I lick my lips and now, I think I do want him to rush this because I want him inside of me, right now. The touch, the feel of warmth, it's too much for me and I'm only human and I really am confusing but it's all just part of this game, isn't it?

He kisses at that spot of slightly exposed flesh and I feel the warmth of his lips against me and that almost drives me into insanity as I hold onto his head and I lean down to kiss his lips, feeling the warmth of his lips, and his tongue twist into mine again and my eyes are staring down at his body, knowing exactly what's underneath the clothing and his hand runs over mine as I 'accidentally' slip onto his lap and he runs his hand down my skirt. "You know what pixie costumes do to me."

"I do," I wiggle my eyebrows and lean upwards to kiss him again, and his hand goes to the hem of the silver top and he takes it off as fast as he could, I fall down onto the bed and his face is burying into my neck and he bites me, causing me to let out a slight moan at the action. "Randy…"

"Yes, my little playful pixie, I shall show you our new magical land," he winks at me before taking off his own top and just as I'm ready to kiss him once more, we hear the buzzing of his cell phone and he presses the phone towards his ear, sighing and putting his finger to my lips to cause me from groaning. "What happened? I'll be right there."

He steps out of the bed and looks at me. "I gotta go, Teddy. I'll see you later. Sam collapsed."

He's leaving me to go check on his ex-wife and I know I'm being selfish but I really, really want him right now and I kick down my boots before watching him walk off and I put my elbows to my knees with thoughts running through my head and the selfishness is only worse right now…

His playful little pixie has his heart broken too many times.

His playful little pixie lost his pixie dust.

I can't fly anymore…

**Like I said sexual tension.**

**More to come! Next chappie is also sexual tension in the form of **_**'Disastrous Dreamer'. **_**Enjoy. ;) Also, these chapters are short on purpose. Don't worry. I'm doing this so I can update every day. :) **

**X Sam. **


	40. Disastrous Dreamer

**Note: I said sexual tension, I didn't say they were going to have sex. XD.**

**

* * *

****Chapter 5  
Disastrous Dreamer**

_We're playful little pixies  
Give us our pixie dust back_  
December, 26th, 2009  
**Just get through this day**

I wake up from a nightmare and cuddle up to Randy who holds me close to him and whispers sweet nothing's into my ear and I just get a little better.

"So what was your dream about?" there's light hearted playfulness in his voice.

I know he doesn't want this to be an overdramatic movie anymore and neither do I but there's something in Randy's voice that makes me feel like he doesn't take anything seriously anymore and thinking about that, my heart pounds hard and swift, causing me to freeze in my position, no words coming out of my mouth.

I want to tell him it's a nightmare.

But I don't.

I run my hand through his cheek, "it wasn't a dream but you sure make reality one." I don't know what else to say. He really does make reality a fantasy when he kisses me and I just melt into his arms but the pain always lingers and I don't want to upset him. I don't want to hurt him…

"Oh yeah?"

He moves on top of me, kissing me and that feeling comes back again, of wanting to melt into his arms and avoid the rest of the world forever, just to feel him pressing against me, the steady heartbeat of his pounding softly, the lividness of his eyes, the sweetness of his mouth…

And when I pull away, I still feel all too breathless for nothing. His hand runs down the hem of my shirt and I push him off. "Teddy?"

I don't know what to say. I'm scared if I mention that I don't want him to act like nothing's wrong, he'll get angry. I'm scared if I hurt him most of all. But the words slip off my tongue and I can't control them. "I'm scared, Randy…I don't wanna have sex anymore…I don't wanna feel like I'm being raped. I don't—"

Then the way he tries to hide his pain, "it's alright, Teddy."

"Stop lying to me, Randy. I love you, I really do, but you're acting like nothing's wrong…everything's wrong…I'm sorry…"

It's hard for me too. Every time I feel his body press against mine, even if we were both fully clothed, I wanted to fuck him too but my body only wanted that. My mind wanted me to wait. Even if for just a while. Just to see if I truly am comfortable having sex with him. I dream of a world where Randy and I aren't broken.

Instead, I get this always shattered world…

Why…?

* * *

**I know. These are getting painfully short but this is what I planned for this chapter and I liked the way it turned out. & I know, I suck at sexual tension. XP.  
**

**X Sam.**


	41. Already Ashes

**There you go. More chapters!**

**

* * *

****Chapter 6  
Already Ashes**

_I'm already in ashes_  
December, 27th, 2009  
**Give up your way, you could be anything**

"Ted?"

I'm lying on my bed, not thoughts rushing through my head but ones of pain and destruction. I'm already in ashes on the inside, for my heart has been ripped and torn into pieces and I can't fix it.

Not anymore.

"Randy?"

"Why do you have to turn everything into a drama story, Teddy?"

I can see the pain that's in his eyes and I don't know. I don't know why I do turn things into a drama story, mostly because it's true.

"Teddy?"

"Because I'm sick of it! I'm sick of life!"

The darkness is crushing me down and I can't breathe no longer and the pain of the world is still there as I cry and weep like a child for the past that used to be too happy, the soft blueness of Randy's eyes had destroyed me and I want to be his I really do but I don't know how I can make this relationship work out anymore. I'm in so much pain and my heart is exploding and I hate this all…

I just want everything to be fucking alright.

But that can't happen.

"Don't you see, Randy!? I'm all fucking messed up! I wanna be okay…I really do…but I'm not! You want me to be okay but I'm not! I'm not…and I won't be…you can go back to Cody. You can go back to someone that's perfect…I never understand why you want me anymore."

"Teddy…"

I stare at him and shake my head. "Don't lie to me, Randy. You want it to be okay but you know that it'll never be okay."

"…I still love you."

"You do?"

Randy nods his head and he pulls his arms out so that he can embrace me into a hug and his arms are so warm and his scent is so sweet and his words are so soft and I can't just fucking believe anything anymore…

"I love you, Randy."

* * *

**It's gonna be angst next. Then fluff. Then angst then sexual tension. XD. Enjoy, darlings! This story still has something before it ends. I have a twist for you later on. XP But I have to build things up first.**

**X Sam.**


	42. Last Laugh

**Sorry this chapter took too long. There's so short…mostly, 'cause I'm really trying to build things up. It's angst…so…& COME BACK, TEDDYMUSE, IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.**

**

* * *

****Chapter 7**  
**Last Laugh**

_Your laugh is a slurred whimper_  
December, 28th, 2009  
**Give up my way, and lose myself, not today**

His last laugh is nothing but a slurred whimper.

He feels so damn horrible when I lie to him and I'm lying right now, laughing a bubbly laughter that's made me feel so damn empty on the inside and when I tell him I'm just fine, I laugh and when I tell him that I just want it all to end, I laugh because really, I just want to hold him close to me, feel his heartbeat and when I tell him that it's gonna be fine, I laugh…I laugh…

But when he's talking to Cody over the phone and he tells him that he cares, I know that he's not lying.

"Ted?"

He notices my uneasy face, a face he'd come so used to seeing, I've come so used to looking at myself, in the mirror, that face of pure disgrace and disgust, I hate what I've become…I hate how I look like—"Ted," Randy whispers my name and his voice is so beautiful. "Are you okay?"

He's asked me that question time after time and I nod my head and I laugh and I feel the tiny tears threatening to fall.

"Teddy, are you sure?"

I nod again, laughing once more and then he holds me as my laughs constantly spew from my mouth and my laughs turn into sobs and my sobs make me cry and crying makes my heart breaks and my heart breaking makes him breaking too and when he breaks, I feel dead…and-and-and-and-

I cry.

I let my tears fall fast.

I feel him putting me down onto the bed and trying to calm me down by rubbing his hand against my thigh and after a few strokes, my crying dies down and nothing is left but the soft misty wind brushing against my face.

"Randy…"

"I love you, Teddy. Don't forget that."

"I love you, too, Ran…"

Our eyes lock with each other and suddenly, I let the words fall off my tongue, the words that have been exploding in the pure core of my heart. "But is it enough…?"

His eyes are speculating with mine again. "I don't-"

"Are you questioning our love, Teddy?"

"I'm questioning what's left of it…" I whisper and I know my words drive through his heart so horribly. "Is it enough?"

He doesn't reply back.

I know why.

* * *

**Reviews are greatly appreciated. **

**X Sam.**


	43. Pretty Picture

**I will update to satisfy…X3.**

**

* * *

****Chapter 8  
Pretty Picture**

_A pretty smile for that pretty face  
_December, 29th, 2009  
**That's too much guilt to pay**

A pretty smile for that pretty face.

_+._

He hasn't talked to me since yesterday and I fear that he's still very angry at me for my question yesterday and I don't blame him because of the way I had questioned our love instead of being grateful for it.

I just—

_+._

Our skin presses against each other, memories of love and adoration, bubble, destroy…me and I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. But I'll hold on. I'll hold on because I know that this will pan out—eventually. My heart is telling me so. My brain is telling me to snap back into reality.

He tells me that he wants me to go downstairs and get an extra room key, just in case he's going to go out so he constantly needs to get in and out of the room and I walk downstairs, take the key and come back right up.

My thoughts are all on…what's he going to do? Is he going to hook up? He should. He should hook up. I'm the one that doesn't deserve him. He can do whatever the hell he wants. I walk into the room and am instantly met by a dark room, candles lighting up everywhere—confusion's bubbling in my core and before I can turn away, I feel myself get knocked onto the bed and lips attack mine, my eyes stare into Randy's and soon enough, I kiss him back, pulling back. "I thought you were mad at me."

"This is our love, or as you say what's left of it, 'Randy caresses my cheek, 'Ted, it's been a year. I dated several men and women and none of them give me the feeling you do when I step into the room and stare into those eyes…it's been an entire year and I'm not going to let you go so easily. In fact, our love or what's left of it, is enough to make me want to breathe every day. I'd die for you, Teddybear."

No sad endings to the next, just a heated make out session that ends up with me being into his hands as he kisses my cheek.

It's enough.

It's enough.

Isn't it?

I feel as if there's nothing there to stop me anymore. A pool of endless space, endless dreams, and I can reach out. I feel as if I can reach out, hold it, grab it, make something out of my damned life…

Make something out of me.

I feel…

I feel as if this emptiness has shook out of my body. I feel…perfect. I feel…content. I feel…complete.

_a pretty smile for that pretty face._

I'm _happy_.

* * *

***blinkblink* no wonder it took me so long to write this. I'm not good at writing fluff, sweethearts. XP. I am working on the next chapter now so you won't kill me for an update. Gonna update today actually.**

**X Sam.  
**


	44. Spluttered Smile

**I don't know what genre this is anymore. XP.**

* * *

**Chapter 9  
Spluttered Smile**

_Would you leave me?  
_December, 30th, 2009  
**Sickened in the sun  
You dare tell me you love me**

In the line of nightmares and dreams, all I could see are bloodied hands reaching out for Randy, my bloodied hand and I pull him towards me, those eyes of me, as broken as they are, stare into his and sobs escape my lips as his hands press me towards the wall and the sun just stirs so strongly in the sky as his hand runs down my back, cupping a piece of flesh and digging nail into it until I bleed.

Those cuts that are on my forehead are all because of him.

_This love, or what's left of it, is destroying me. It's hurting me. It's killing me. A sweet slow, _suicide_. _

I wake up with a startle, my body trembling and his hands hold onto me as I bury my head into his chest but I won't let the tears fall. I won't dare let the tears fall and he runs his hand through my back, making me hiccup softly.

"Ted, are you okay?"

I slowly nod my head at him. "Tired, 'I mumble under my breath. "Just a nightmare."

"What's it about?"

I couldn't tell him. I just shake my head and let him run his hand through my hair, over and over, until I feel satisfied enough to fall asleep again but even if I'm sleepy, I don't fall asleep, my arms wrap around his chest and I press our bodies close to each other and he feels my cock press against his thigh. I can even feel it. Our skin gets hot with too much heat and need.

"I'm tired," I reply, knowing that he'll tell me that he wants it. I want it too. There's just something inside of me that isn't ready. That's scared. Horribly. I watch as he sighs and nods his head. He kisses my forehead as I shift to the side, having him hold onto me, tightly, refusing to let me go.

I don't want to let go of him either.

He's the only thing that's been keeping me sane.

I don't want to lose him.

I hear his slow rapid breathing too quickly and I reach out for the bottle of water beside me, gulping down the contents fast, and I worry about the future. How long can I hold it off? Randy's bound to want sex soon and I can't hold it off forever. There's also the fact that Cody's going to come back tonight.

He's going to see this and I'm going to feel sorry for him because for some reason, Cody's not together with anyone. When he used to go out with Mike Mizanin (don't ask me why, I just know), I've been jealous since he had a relationship but I didn't.

I don't want Coddles feeling like a third wheel.

It's only in a matter of two hours until I hear the sound of the door knocking and Randy kicks off the sheets, walking there while I stare blankly at the wall and letting Cody in, whose smile is as bright as ever and I sit up straight, looking into him as he bounces towards me and engulfs me into a hug. "Teddy! I missed you!"

"I missed you, too, Cody, 'hugging him back in the loosest hug I could and he breaks it, sitting in the middle and hugging me.

"Go fall asleep on the couch, Ran! I wanna catch up with Ted!"

Randy shakes his head and slips down on the bed with us, all three squeezed together and Randy suggests me in the middle, causing Cody to smirk the widest smirk I've ever seen and having them close to me like this…it makes me feel like I'm never going to be alone. But still…why do I feel so alone?

A smile still makes its way on my face.

It's warm here.

It's so damn warm.

And for a moment, these thoughts of being alone just evaporate as I snuggle into Randy's neck and Cody snuggles into mine. Trapped by their warm skin. I don't think I could ever hate this.

It's so warm…

And this spluttered smile turns into a real one.

**

* * *

I'll do it. Let me do it. HE'S STILL TALKING ABOUT BEING ALONE!? XD. It is the title of the story. I'm overdoing it though.**

**X Sam.**


	45. Sick Stalker

_***Hits head over keyboard***_** this story just doesn't seem to finish…I don't like that about it. XP. But see? I updated! I updated! **

**

* * *

****Chapter 10  
Sick Stalker**

_Would you hurt me?  
_December, 31st, 2009  
**But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die  
Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way**

Today, my entire life tips upside down.

The scientists come back and tell me that they want to experiment on me. Oh whoa is me. I'm so damn happy that I get to be nothing more than a piece of flesh everyone is going to experiment on until the day I die.

The minute they come in, all they keep mentioning is the fact that they stabilized me. They brought me back to life.

I didn't want to be brought back to life anyways!

Why are they doing this to me…?

Randy sits beside me and protests while I bury my head into his shoulder and try not to let the tears fall rapidly from my eyes because of all this horror that keeps repeating itself in my head. I'm nothing more than an experiment to them and Randy—Randy's really trying to make something more out of me but is it worth it anymore…?

Is it worth anything anymore?

"He's human! You can't treat him like a puppy dog! Even animals aren't allowed to be experimented on."

"But we saved his life." A blue eyed scientist assures, 'and in that, he owes his entire life to us."

"No! You can't do that!" Randy's eyes are now bubbling with anger and desolation that I've never seen before, 'how would you feel if you know that your daughter or wife or someone you love as close as I love Ted becomes an experiment!?"

"That's unacceptable!" the same blue eyed scientist says, his mouth widened. "I will not let anyone hurt my family!"

"And Ted's my family…"

"What if we tell you that we're trying to make you a family?" the blue eyed scientist gets to a point that we don't understand but he knows that he's caught Randy and I's attention for now. "We want Theodore and your DNA to try and make a child of some sort. What if it comes to that? Then do you think it would be okay?"

Randy looks at me, 'they got me, Teddy."

I know I want to make Randy happy so it's come to that and I start nodding my head even if I don't want a family. I just want it to be me and Randy. Forever. Just me and him. Why do people want babies anyways? They just ruin anything. They need to be nurtured and they need to grow up and be fed and all that…

What if I can't do that?

I know I can't do that.

I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt the ones I love either. Cody comes back and he's so bouncy with energy and I'm scared to tell him that everything won't be the same. I am now in the same room with the people who'd given away their careers for me, who aren't the same because of me, who had been broken too many times because of me…and yet, I didn't do anything to help them.

I don't know what to do to help them.

Cody's always so damn perky that it scares me sometimes when he gets sad, and Randy, Randy cares about all of us, we've always been this tight trio and I don't want anything to break us apart. Me, Randy and Cody. I just want us to always be together, is that too much to ask for…?

This baby will break everything.

But at the news, Cody's face brightens; the tan skin turns to pale tan as he bounces up and down excitedly and runs to me before hugging me and engulfing me into a tight embrace. We don't need a baby. If it's anything, Cody is like our little baby. He's our _everything_. He can keep us all together no matter what. Can't he?

This is going to ruin everything. I know it.

This is the worst start to our new year.

* * *

**X Sam.**


	46. Pathetic Pain

**Chapter 11  
Pathetic Pain**

_Am I being too sadistic?_  
January, 1st, 2010  
**You're just so pretty in your pain  
Give up my way, and I could be anything**

It's only a day after they take me away for that little experiment. I'm half scared, half not, half of me just wants to forget, half of me knows that I can try as hard as I fucking can to forget, I just won't.

It's not only until day that I find much needed comfort in this stupid book.

It's the only thing that makes me stop thinking, even for a moment, just to write out the feelings that are bubbling all too badly into me and I'm doing this, listening to "Black Dahlia" by Hollywood Undead. I. Am. A. Loser. After a while, I look through different stations, just to have a station that plays something happy and when I do, I notice that my breathing is much more shallower as Cody sits beside me, his hyper smile making me smile this weak, fake smile as he peeks into my book. I let him because there's no reason not to. They already know that I'm a suicidal freak.

"You're not a freak!" Cody exclaims, his eyes widen, before he hugs me as tight as ever. "Don't ever say that about yourself, Teddy. And you know that I love you! You're like a brother to me!"

"I know, Cody," I say, hugging him back, kissing the top of his forehead before he stands up, picking up the book that had fallen from the floor and giving it to me, 'wait, no, 'you shouldn't be talking about this' speech?"

Cody turns to me, that warm smile still playing and tugging at his lips, 'you wouldn't care, Teddybear." Then I stare at those eyes of him, as if he's knowing a secret that I don't. "I just don't understand what you're trying to prove. Life is there to live for Ted, even I hate it sometimes. I hate the fact that you're so hurt, I hate the fact that Randy's torn up because of it, and even though I'm hurting on the inside too, I try not to think of it, Teddy. I like being a happy person and I won't let anyone wreck me apart like that because it'll just hurt the people around me even more…don't you see, Teddy? You're hurting me…"

I stare into those eyes and I do see the pain that's hidden by a thousand fake emotions and I look down at my lap, 'but you prefer not to tell me this because…" I trail off because I want Cody to talk.

"Because if I tell you this, then you'll think there's no hope for happiness. You'll just build yourself with guilt. You and Randy just don't understand that even faking happiness can make you feel it. If I was like you, then there'd be no hope for us all, we'll all go on hating and thinking that joy doesn't exist but me…I want you to see that a person can be happy…Teddy…"

"True but why pretend to be happy?"

"Sometimes, you don't even have to pursue happiness. Sometimes, it just finds you at the least expected moment." Cody leans down to kiss my cheek before turning on his heel, looking back at me for a moment, 'and you were happy…a long time ago…but someone broke that. And it's time you move on…love exists, too, Teddy."

"But I don't see you walking around with a loved one in arms."

Cody seems slightly hurt at the thought but then a bright smile burns across his face, 'it's because I don't want to just pick anyone. I want to wait. Besides, I have you and Randy… I don't really need anyone else." With that, Cody exits the room, leaving me alone to ponder about our conversation. Why am I sad? Why do I ravish onto pathetic pain? Why don't I just fake happiness?

Randy's ecstatic. On cloud nine ever since he realized that he may be a potential father. And he's been bringing me much to cheer me up, from my favorite type of candy to my favorite movie to bringing back my childhood toys, a teddy bear that I long threw away, a few Legos, a few dolls that I once possessed, and holding onto my teddy bear, which I long dubbed as 'Acute' for lack of knowledge of names and I snuggle into Randy's chest but nothing makes me feel this closure. I'm still as scared as ever…thoughts of 'what if' haunt my head.

Randy keeps onto touching me in places I didn't even know could make me moan and when the movie's over, he takes off our clothing, nothing to cover us, nothing at all, and before he could do anything, I ask him, 'is this what you really want, Ran?"

"I never wanted anything more."

With a wink, Randy's hand plays down my ass, slowly stroking it, as his other hand plays with my cock and I stare at him, nibbling onto the sick of his neck and managing to moan every two seconds. "Randy…I want you in me…" I breathe against his ear and he finally does thrust in me and it feels so damn good, feeling him in me, no lube, no nothing, I just take him with all the pain of our past burning in us. The thrusts in me, deeper and deeper, harder and harder each time, my moans are rhythmic and it isn't long before he comes but he still keeps on going until I come, too.

We both lay in bed, sweaty, feverish-skinned and naked; nothing but us and the rest of the world is blank.

I wish it would stay like this. But happiness doesn't stay with me for very long. And at now, at the dead end of the night, I'm still writing in this book because I care. I care for my children, my descendants, others like me to see my story, to read the thoughts of someone that's exactly like them…I don't want anyone to go through this alone like I am. I don't want anyone to be confused.

This feeling…

I'm so alone.


	47. Wishful Witness

**Chapter 12  
Wishful Witness**

_Oh, I'm breaking it all up now, baby.  
Just like we used to do._  
January, 2nd, 2010  
**I'll make my own way  
Without your senseless hate… hate… hate… hate.**

…silently, I wake up to face Randy's face.

"Baby," Randy strokes my face but there's this one thing that's bothering me, one thing that's been in my head, swirling and buzzing, thoughts, I know that today's the day that Randy and I get to make a baby and I don't know how this will pan out. Will I have it in me? That's a funny thought. Me getting pregnant. I'm dead; I can't support something living inside of me…

Dressing up and soft words and lovely caresses. That's all I could remember but now, I'm sitting down onto a table while Marc and Brooke, the two scientists that had revived me back to life even if I wanted to die and loved death so badly, are now talking with Randy about the procedure I'm going to go through.

"Is this going to hurt Ted?"

"Not much. It's just a syringe shot."

"How does it happen?"

"I need you and Ted's DNAs. It's nothing serious that we have to seriously injure Theodore. It's only a prick, nothing more I assure you. We revive things from the dead so we're using a dead child's body and placing in the DNA of the living with substances that help the body work faster, like caffeine so regain the baby's strength but since it's cold and dead, the genes need to work again and your genes are perfect!"

"I still don't get it but just do it."

I just sit down and listen and take it all in as I look down at my own shoes and they do prick me but it's nothing and it'll always remain nothing compared to the pain that has been with me for so long and after they're gone to make our baby, Randy sits on the table beside me, gently caressing my cheek as my eyes look at his face, his beautiful, beautiful face. Made of diamonds, made of beauty, made of everything that I can't be! I simply ask him, 'is this going to be a replacement?"

I'm talking about Alanna but now, remembering that Alanna's dead, I shut my mouth and hope that he doesn't hear that and I remember that Sam said something about Alanna being dead but Randy not knowing and that scares me half to death as Randy stares at me and waits for me to answer but what can I say? What do I say? I'm just so confused and I just want to think but I'm unable to think and God, this is so confusing. I don't even know how I think anymore.

"R-replacement?" he asks me, puzzled.

"For Alanna."

I can't lie to him and now, his eyes burn with confusion as he lifts my chin and looks at me straight into my eyes while I stare at those ocean blue eyes that are full of fear and confusion. "What's wrong with her?" his voice sounds like a stranger's now, soft, breakable, not the raspy voice I've always heard.

"S-she's dead, Ran."

"W-what?!"

He turns around, trying to compose himself as he bites down his lower lip in anger and his hands ball into fists and I seriously don't care if he hits me because there's just nothing left in me but when he turns around, I can see that the anger is slowly stripping down and nothing's left but pain and desolation, 'h-h-h-how did you know that?" he asks me, his voice soft but with an edge.

"Sam-"

"The bitch," he cuts me off, "THE LITTLE BITCH WON'T TELL ME THAT MY OWN DAUGHTER IS DEAD!"

The next time I look at Randy's face, all I can see is sadness as tears roll down and I can't stop them and all he does is hold me, hold me as tight as he could've while I held onto him, breathing only his beautiful scent and trying to forget it all and when we do go home after he's cried and wiped his face, I lay in his arms as Cody walks in late at night and sits down, looking down at his feet as he hears our soft words to each other.

"Randy? Teddy?"

"Huh, Coddles?" Randy sits up, looking at Cody as he stands up and runs towards us, jumping on our bed and causing noises to come from the mattress as Cody jumps on top of me, hugging me.

"Ted!"

"Why so awfully perky?" Randy asks, smirking.

"Oh you." I tease at him, noticing the way his lips has curved into that all known smirk of his, 'Cody—"

"I went out on a date!"

"If you want your new found boyfriend to live, 'Randy starts, 'then I suggest you not tell me his name."

"Uh huh…" Cody blinks, that grin still on his face and how much I've envied that grin but Cody's too young, too inexperienced and I know that he's only three years younger than me but it feels so much more when I look at Cody, his energy is that of a ten year old's, he doesn't act like his age at all and that's what makes him so happy. He doesn't have any worries and refuses to have any. "It's Cena."

"Randy-"I start.

"I'M GONNA KILL THAT BASTARD FOR TOUCHING CODY!"

"Randy-"I try to start up again but he cuts me off.

"I'M DIALING HIS PHONE RIGHT NOW! I'LL GO GET THE KNIFE AND IMMA KILL HIM WITH IT! A NICE, SLOW DEATH! NO ONE TOUCHES MY—"

"Randy!" Cody giggles as Randy stands up to walk towards the phone and give Cena a really hard time of sleep tonight and I look at the clock._ 2:50_. Probably ten minutes to get to the room. Thirty minutes to kill. RIP, Jonathon Anthony Cena, at _3:30_.

"I'M WALKING OUT THE DOOR AND HE IS SO DEAD!"


	48. Rotted & Ruined

**After realizing how much I've neglected this fic, I've decided to pick up where I left off. XD! There is no more than 4-5 chapters left of this story anyways. :3**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 14  
Rotted & Ruined**

_Runaways were made for the weak  
I'm so weak_  
January, 3rd, 2010  
**so run, run, run  
and hate me, if it feels good**

_I'm weak, unable to speak,  
my heart's hole leaks_  
**(Of tainted blood.)**

I really can't tell anyone that I've finally given up.

Again.

But I'm not going to put the gun to my head and shoot my brains out because I don't want that to happen again. I have to run away…I can't look at this anymore. The mirror tells all, the damage that has been with me, before me, and what'll happen to me. I can hear him, calling out Alanna's name in his sleep, his sweet Alanna…softly murmuring, trying to hold back tears even in his sleep as he held me, held me tight…but now, his grip's loosened and I'm out of the bed.

I'm near the mirror again.

The mirror that is perfect, that mirrors a broken complexion.

Brooke and Marc call me to tell me that my baby's ready, real, born and their experiment worked but it's my call if I want to keep the child or if I should kill it. It's cruel and merciless but I want the baby dead. I can't look at the mixture of me and Randy, perfect Randy fusing with broken, shattered me…I don't want my baby to suffer because I can't handle the little one properly.

There's nothing left.

Randy won't want anyone but Alanna and I can't surely take care of a baby all by myself…I'm confused, scared, horrified…but I still walk through those double doors, to see the baby that is mine and Randy's—

And I get a glimpse –

_Of the most beautiful thing I've seen in my entire life._

It's a girl. A beautiful baby girl that seemed to be a year old when she died, and her features must've changed because the genes that were combined changed, the face structure is round…not mine or Randy's but the eyes, staring at me, piercing blue…so pure and soft, so beautiful. Her flesh pale, the color of pale that has burned against my skin…and her wide eyes stare at me. His hair is made of dark brown, the dark brown that used to cover Randy's head.

I couldn't have killed her. There's this bond that has attached me to her. "Give her to me." I rasp out, my eyes bubbling with tears…

A feeling of love and attachment burns into my heart. I know I can't take care of her but I don't want anyone else to adopt her and I don't want her to die. I don't want anyone to have her but me. The only thing that makes me feel the ounce of sadness that clustered around me is the fact that Randy isn't here…to see his picture perfect daughter, the girl that's playing with my shirt, staring up at me with those eyes, those beautiful eyes…I never thought that something that could have so much of me turn out so beautiful.

I ponder…on and on…

And I realize…

I was once beautiful.

But now, my beauty has rotted. Like the beauty of the red rose rots in the summer's heat.

And I'm left…

With nothing but sweet memories of a used to be perfect life.

But now, looking at her, there's something in me that learns to appreciate the fact that I used to have happy memories, that I used to be beautiful, once upon a time, I'd dance against clouds of hope and love and sweet glory but now, that cloud has sparked up a storm and destroyed—

Everything in sight, my hopes, my dreams, my thoughts…

And I'm left with the world underneath me fried…except for those few stand still flowers, roses…Cody and Randy.

And now, the prettiest flower of all has sprung into this concealed soil.

And maybe there's a bit of hope in the sky after all.

Maybe I just can't see it.

Maybe I'm blind to the sky as well.

Maybe I'm just waiting for another cloud of hope to spring up in the sky before I reach in…before I'm left with disappointment yet again, that I may never be normal. But now…this rose, this baby girl in my arms right now, she knows more than I'll ever know.

I've already called her.

Britt.

The first name that's come into my head and refused to leave, and the stubborn part of me allows myself to keep it and so, I'll run away in my search of another cloud, without Randy and Cody there to be hurt along the journey with me…I refuse to allow them to be hurt because of me anymore.

That's it.

The end of the beginning.

And there's this journey before me ready to unfold currently…

* * *

**Haha. No updates for a long time. I know, XD!**

**X Sam.**

**LOVES KASSANDRA DIAZ EVEN IF SHE ISN'T READING THIS. XP!**


	49. Lust & Lies

**AWIE. MICHELLE. :3 **

* * *

**Chapter 15  
Lust & Lies**

_I've given up my soul  
My mind  
And now…even my body_  
January, 4th, 2010  
**You lied to me  
But I'm older now**

In two days, one can run away.

One can give up their body.

I just don't know what else to do. I've been rejected by two many jobs already and I had no money…and nobody takes any respect for me. So I've do what I thought I needed to do…I've given up the one thing that is mine.

My body.

It's grotesque.

To have my drop my baby into one of those daycares and then go to "work" to take off my clothes and show off my body. It's easy. I have so much shame in doing this…I have no respect for my body and I know that people won't respect me either. I wouldn't have cared about going on day after day without food.

I used to be anorexic.

Not eating for two days seemed to be very normal in my thoughts. Because I had been used to it before, forcing myself to restrict from foods that used to give me comfort but still are, my greatest enemies. I don't believe that people just stare at my weight…they now stare at the eyes that have been scarred so badly. That's why so many atrocious people look beautiful when they smile…because they have confidence; they have happy memories in their eyes…

It's after my shift that gets me uneasy, walking out, knowing that at any time, I might bump into someone that recognizes me.

And this time, I do.

I bump into the body of Randy.

I haven't run far enough. I know that. I couldn't have. Not with a baby in my possession and he looks at me, looks at the clothing I'm wearing, the exposé of Ted DiBiase. Randy's hands hold onto my shoulders and worry bathes across his eyes. "Teddy?" his voice rasps out my name. "Are you…a _stripper_?"

I nod my head, tears gathering into my eyes…it's so automatic now, that whenever something upsets me, the tears just start gathering into my eyes. I feel so weak. But Randy doesn't seem to care as he wraps his arms around me and kisses my cheek. "God, Teddy…why? Why'd you run off like that?"

"'Cause I don't want this anymore, Randy. I don't want the pain. I can run away from-from seeing you get hurt every time I do something bad to myself…" Randy's arms are so tight around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and I feel so secure into his arms. The sadness is wrapping around warmth in me…the warmth of having him hold me, as if he owns me and he does.

I'm his possession. I'm his obsession.

And I love him.

The happiness floods over me. I love him. I love him so very much. I kiss his collarbone and press my head against his chest. "It's gonna be okay, Teddy. We can go home and fix this all out…"

I shake my head. "I can't, Randy. I can't go back to waking up every morning and looking at you and seeing you throw away your future for someone like me, someone that hates himself so much that he's driving everyone away from him… someone that can't handle just smelling your scent and drowning in it for hours on end because he knows that he doesn't deserve it. Not after all I put you through. Never."

Randy's hand grabs onto his wrist. "I can't live knowing that you may be hurt…and look at you; you're a fucking stripper…Ted…"

I look down. "You'll find better than me, I know so, Randy…there's always me, there's always better…and you'll find someone that doesn't want to throw their life away every second of their moment, that just thinks about dying…rotting in his sweet, slow suicide…I don't want you to see me like this. I don't want you to see me die on the inside…because I'm a rotted flower. I'm done for. This beginning of the end…the end of me. The end of us. I love you, Randall Keith Orton…this is why I have to leave you. Because I need to think of your best interest."

"You're all I ever want." I feel his hand on my cheek as he kisses me softly. "You'll all I'll ever need. Just come home…"

"No." Tears gather into my eyes again.

"I love you." Randy's voice is soft. "I miss waking up with you next to me. It feels empty without you. The bed…my life…my heart…I need you right there beside me, right here in my arms…"

He wraps his arms around my waist, inhaling the scent of me and I inhale the scent of him.

We're in love.

…and yet, he knows he's not gonna get me any time soon. I'm stubborn and so is he. But I don't know.

I don't know whose gonna win in this game.

"Just give me a day and I'll think about it." I whisper. It's a lie. I know what I'm going to do. I'm gonna leave…

"I'll spend that day with you then."

I couldn't just scream at him…I just stare into his eyes…the eyes that drown me, the touch of him electrocutes me into a love daze and I nod my head. I want him around me. I really do.

I go to the daycare to take Britt and I give her to Randy. "This is our baby, Ran."

He stares. He stares for so long at that face as he looks at me. "As beautiful as you are." And for the first time, I feel like that cloud has taken me again, dazed me into its beautiful spell but there's something in Randy's eyes, something that made me cry… he takes me back to a hotel room, one that I've never been too and he paid for someone to deliver a crib, which has been delivered in minutes. He lies the sleeping child down and sits beside me, and in seconds, our lips connect.

His hands on my pants.

This is our dance…

In moments, I'm pressing against him, naked, panting against him, more alive than I've ever been as the moonlight touches our flesh and the soft lullaby of silence hangs by the air…for once, I'm not lying to myself when I say that I'm genuinely happy.

But there's just something…

A feel of dread puncturing at the bit of my stomach.

I ignore it.

And regret it so.

* * *

**Not too long until the ending now. :O**

**X Sam.**


	50. Break & Bleed & Burn

**I am determined to finish this. XD. IT SHALL BE FINISHED. :3**

**Chapter 16  
****Break & Bleed & Burn**

_I've given up my soul  
My mind  
And now…even my body  
_January, 5th, 2010  
**And I'm not buying baby  
Demanding my response**

That morning, I stay there, softly breathing, the happiness has faded and so has the pain, numbness simply burned through every core of my being as I stand up and walk towards the crib, seeing that Britt is softly asleep and the nakedness of my being, along with the air, makes me feel so weightless, like a cloud on Earth, dancing instead of walking, just feeling the ounce of beauty that I don't know how to describe.

Then I hear the sound of the door knocking.

I turn around, kissing onto Britt's head, wearing anything I could find off the floor, a white nightgown that had been left on the floor, something that Randy had wanted me to wear but I had said no to, and the clothing suddenly feels like a second skin, as a part of me, and I open it to see Cody panting, tears burning through his eyes and that's when the agony and desolation decide to puncture back into my heart. I can feel it in my heart, puncturing towards my soul…destroying me as Cody holds onto me, crashing me down onto the floor and suddenly his tears sink into the pure flesh of my skin, I could feel his sadness rocking through my body…rocking through his body…I didn't say anything. I just held onto him until I heard Britt's screaming. Then Cody walked towards her and held her, rocking her gently while he looked at me, with his puffy red eyes and then he told me. "Randy wants to kill himself."

My heart pounded loudly into my chest and suddenly, tears swell up into my own eyes and Cody rocks Britt back and forth. "Save him, Teddy. Save him!" Cody doesn't know where to go, and even if he did know, he knows that Randy will only listen to me…that Randy's always only listened to me. Cody holds onto Britt while I run out, barefoot into this soft cotton dress that had more life in me than I had at that moment. So many thoughts rush and pound and I'm running as hard as I can but I don't know where to go and I just stop by the doorway, the tears and sobs bursting and I try to think of where would Randy go to kill himself.

Then a thought comes to my mind and I run towards the direction of a cemetery.

The cemetery where I was buried when I had died. My eyes scan and I could find Randy right there, standing up and sitting down, rubbing against the gravestone… Randy's hand was running against the description.

_An angel among our skies, to light up a darkened day…_

Randy laughs. "An angel…" he says, tears blurring in his eyes and I just stand there, unable to move, just frozen, watching him put the knife down and rub against the inscription of my gravestone. "An angel…you used to be an angel, Teddy. You still are, so beautiful…but-but-a demon…has taken your place and you think you want to die. I can't save you, Teddy…" Randy's arms wrap around the gravestone. "I want to join you in the sweetest death, just to be beside you once more warms my heart…I want my angel back. I want to hold him, whisper to him the sweetest lullaby, tell him sweet '_I love you'_s and not worry about him saying _'I don't deserve you'_…I want my happy fairytale with my angel, my Teddybear."

Ted fed a stab of pain as Randy reaches for the knife, just looking at the shiny blade. "You did this to yourself, Teddy…I was too late to save you from drowning on this demon's venom. I lost you…but now, I'll be together with you. I'll forget the cocaine, I'll forget Cody, and I'll forget myself…if I can have my angel back." Randy's voice cracked at the end.

"I love you…" Randy's voice is softer now.

He hangs his head low.

"I love you so much…"

Randy rocks his head from side to side. "I love you, Teddy, from your head to your toes, you're the reason the stars up there glow…you're the sweet mountain's lovable snow…I love you, Teddy…from your head to your toes…" Randy sings softly to himself, ready to run the tip of the blade to his heart. "I love you, Teddy…you're the reason the stars up there glow…"

"NO! Stop!" I just find my voice and state of mind but Randy slides in the knife anyways and I lean down and I'm so fucking horrified and I hold onto Randy's face and I'm trying to pull the fucking knife away…and-and-it plunged Randy, near his heart, but not his heart, the blood is seeping so damn fast and he's lying in a pool of his own blood, as if it's a sick bath…and the dark crimson stains Randy's body so effortlessly and my heart is pounding through my chest and-and-Randy's holding onto me, holding on as tightly as he could've.

"…I don't know that death can be so pleasing…" Randy chuckles.

He thinks he's dead and I'm holding onto a phone while he's tightly holding onto me…I call the hospital and I'm panting and he kisses me softly and I kiss back even through the distress. There's just something in me that tells me he might be dying and I must make him feel the security, just the security, for once in his life…I don't want him to break. I don't want him to bleed. I don't want him to burn…not in pain.

I want him to be happy.

I want us to have something just before he might die on me… and I will take care of Britt. I will try and be happy…just for him. This is my fault yet even though I'm so depressed and whiny all the time, I have to learn to be better…I don't want Randy's possible death to not mean anything to me at all…I want to be happy…in death, watching over me. I was never the angel.

It was always him.

Now, I'll pretend that he is happy…and he is with me… I'll let him be happy. And maybe, just maybe, I might've done something for him in the end after all…

**Shush. The angst is not over. XD.**

**X Sam.**


	51. Beautiful Butterflies

**Chapter 17  
Beautiful Butterflies**

_Beautiful butterflies dance  
and we're in the center  
_January, 6th, 2010  
**Don't bother breaking the door down  
I found my way out**

"Where are we going?" Randy's asking me as if he's being pulled into the oddest place ever.

The hospital walls mock us, mock the death and turmoil we're both going to go through - because if Randy's leaving this world, then I will join him in death. I can't let him go on without me. I need him. He's the only thing that keeps me safe, the only thing that makes me truly happy and I don't want that one thing that makes me this happy taken away from me in a fit of horror and pain…I won't fathom on with this world without him and I need someone like him to hold me, to support me, to love me…

I love him with every crescent of my soul, every shape carved in…the only thoughts that enter my mind are of him and the only thing I think of is him and the only thing that scares me is him.

"Wait - why are we at the hospital?" Randy asks. He's confused because he thinks he's dead but I don' tell him why or how or anything, I just stand there, waiting in the stupid waiting room, pressing my head against the wall as he tells me that he feels tired and confused and I notice that he's ready to fall, that the pain's still there but he's denying it somehow…I know. The blood continues to seep, the horror, the pain, the melancholy, all so real…and all isn't left…and he's holding onto me in seconds, as if he's staring down at me.

"Is this hospital like a representation of a memory I've been through?" Randy asks, and he's holding onto me as tight as he can, 'because I've seen you around here a lot and I've been around here a lot, with you going the pain but soon enough, I'll be painless and I'll be in this world with you, when mind is finally screwed on straight and I'll only be thinking of you…and…there'll be happiness."

Randy's voice is softer now. "We'll be happy."

It seems like a far away dream that's finally coming to reach and I know that happiness is what a lot of people look for and usually find and I just wish that he isn't thinking that death will make us happy together, entwined in love… and death. I bite back my tongue and watch as they take him into the cot and I follow him. "Oh…" Randy says, "I get it! I get it! So instead of you being here, I am? Am I imagining my own death? How it's supposed to go? With me on a hospital bed instead of me shooting myself? Unbelievable. Even my mind doesn't wanna believe I'd actually kill myself…"

I still had a hard time believing it myself. He had it all and he just threw it away for me…and that hurts, it rocks me…to know that he loves me so much…enough to just kill himself off, like he didn't matter…

Like I was the only thing that mattered.

I realize right then and now that it didn't have to be like this. That it shouldn't be like this, with him lying on the cot, awaiting his painful death, and me standing there, thoughtlessly, without a thought, without a sound, just watching as the Doctor talks to him and he chuckles and plays along with this "game", and I just stare at him, as he looks at me, his thoughts only onto me, looking at me…

Look at the thing he's sacrificed his life for.

I realize right then that I might think I'm nothing.

But…to Randy…

I'm his entire world.

That's why he cares so much. He really does he love me. He really does see me as this person who spins his life's wheel, who he lives for…who…he'd die for…he wants to show me that.

"I love you, Teddy," Randy says when everyone's left. "You're everything to me."

There's so much truth in his eyes…

I realize now.

To me, I'm a demon. I'm useless. I'm nothing…but to him, I'm an angel. I'm all he thinks about. All he wants…his everything.

And…

God…

Tears are threatening to spill…

God…

It's too late…

Why didn't I see this before? Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I stop myself from ruining him with this touch of darkness? …

It's too late…

To fix the mistakes.

Too late…

It's all fate…

Please… just don't kill him. Please…

I know what I'm doing wrong…just stop…I'm one stupid little butterfly in this circle of love.

**X Sam.**


	52. Epilogue: Everything

**WOOT. Last chapter, X3! Finally. :D**

**Chapter 18  
End Of Book Two  
Epilogue  
Everything**

_To die of a heartache  
The end, the tragedy  
_January 7th 2011  
**And you'll never hurt me again**

It's been a year since their deaths.

I miss them so. I've found this journal, I've found Ted's journal and I read it. I read it only to weep, sitting beside the river and hoping, just hoping, for that beautiful sparkle of light into the sky, the blue glint of endless hope…the blue glint in the sky reminds me of them…they both had blue eyes, and mine, mine aren't blue to prior…they're turquoise eyes that haunt me into the mirror every time I look at them.

I'm trapped in a memory, a never ending memory.

I've seen them both at the last day of their lives. Randy's hands around Ted's, I could remember the look on Randy's face, confused, not knowing that he was even alive.

I can remember it all.

I can remember Randy holding onto Ted's chin roughly. "Of course I'm dead, love."

Ted's just bursting into tears as he jabs him with the end of the knife, the tip just piercing through Randy's flesh and then Randy's breathing got worse and worse and he just realizes so badly where he is and he realizes that this is all real and he's not dead yet and then Ted closes his eyes and I can almost hear both of their hearts beating.

So wildly, so horribly…

Then Ted says it.

"Kill me, Randy. Make me die with you. I don't wanna live on without you…I love you…"

Randy just stares.

"You really mean it," Randy's voice is soft. "You really mean it…you love me…" Randy's eyes had been shimmering with tears that fall way too fast.

"I love you," Ted says it like a song. "I've loved you ever since I've seen you for the first time but then…but then I just forgot it all, I was too focused on the pain but you'll free us both, painless, just end it all…just…just end it all…I don't want to care about anything else…I want to be able to wake up to you next morning and just smile. I want to be happy."

Randy had been grinning and laughing. "My Teddy wants to be happy…"

Ted nods his head, tears spilling from his eyes. "I want to be happy…"

It's like some sort of revolution as Randy holds onto Ted tightly, both of their arms closed and Randy softly plunges the knife into both of their hearts. I swear I can hear their hearts beating and I…I vowed that I'd never make the same mistake, never allow myself to feel that horrible pain. I just married the love of my love, Jonathon Anthony Felix Cena and I kept Britt with me. She's been growing swiftly and I showed her a picture of her parents. I swear sometimes, I see her standing up and dancing around in motions and I know that Ted is somehow there, holding onto her wrists and dancing along with her with Randy's eyes pierced onto his growing daughter.

There's still here.

When I see my empty bed, I can always feel their bodies pressing, their hearts beating…

Now I tuck Britt into her bed, apply a few flowers onto the grave, yellow tulips. Randy hates them but Ted loves him, and it's always been sort of this stupid joke between us when we'd buy Randy tulips for his birthday and…

I turn away before the memory overflows through me, saddens me…

I refuse to be sad.

I only want to be strong.

For me…for Britt…

For _them_.

I miss you. I love you and I hope you're both happy…just wherever you are, you know I'll always have faith. I'll always be strong. I'll always be happy…just because of you miserable old bastards.

God, I miss you…

_In the distance, Ted giggles as he picks up the yellow tulips. "Hey! You blood-coated scum! Come over here!" Randy exclaims watching as Ted brings the tulips over to his face._

"_Cody got you a gift, Ran!"_

"…_that's definitely for you."_

"_Are you afraid of flowers, Randy?"_

"_They're not flowers. They're monsters."_

_And so, Randy turns around and runs off as Ted chases him around with yellow tulips, nothing in the air but the cold air presses against them, the beat of their dead hearts, and…they've never been more alive, dancing into their places and running around, with the moonlight beating against their pale flesh, and the song of the nightingales burning into the air…_

**OKAY. Officially done! X3!**

**I couldn't think of another sucky ending. **

**:P**

**LOVE YA, MISCHA. X3.**

**Til next time, **

**X Sam.**


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